Noiseless Chatter

Day 5: “The Strike,” Seinfeld (1997)

On the fifth day of Christmas Ryan gives to us…

Frank Costanza is without a doubt my favorite character on Seinfeld. For somebody so short-tempered, constantly screaming at those around him over the smallest nuisances, there’s remarkably not a single trace of unlikability to be found in the man. It’s a shame that his death was implied during the reunion story arc of Curb Your Enthusiasm, but with the failure of his ”serenity now” relaxation cassette, I suppose it was inevitable. Fortunately, Frank plays a starring role in what’s considered to be one of the most iconic episodes of Seinfeld produced, season 9′s “The Strike.”

You know, the episode where Kramer returns to work at a bagel shop after being on strike for 12 years.

Okay, so most people know it as the Festivus episode, where we discover that Frank once invented his own holiday in response to the commercialization and religious aspects of Christmas. Subsequently, this gives us further insight into why George is the man he is today, as it turns out that Festivus was always a pretty traumatic experience for the boy.

The traditions of the holiday included an aluminum pole instead of a tree (no decoration required – Frank finds tinsel distracting), and grievances were exchanged rather than presents - a chance for the Costanzas to speak about how much they had disappointed each other over the past year. Back in the present day, Kramer finds out about Frank’s holiday and convinces him to restart the celebrations after years of lying dormant, much to the misery of George and the imperative sense of schadenfreude from his friends. The pole comes out of the crawl space and Frank couldn’t be more joyous.

The ending of the episode is a great example of why I love Seinfeld so much – its “no hugging, no learning” policy stays true during what would be a sentimental closing for so many other Christmas specials. Family and friends are gathered together on a winter backdrop, but there’s nothing of comfort to be held. George has fought the idea of Festivus all throughout the episode, yet we end with him more emotionally distraught than ever, being forced into yet another Festivus tradition, the “Feats of Strength.”

Frank: Stop crying and fight your father!

This is what a Christmas special should be. While I find that some of the more warmer, “emotional” holiday episodes of other shows do bring me some entertainment – I’m clearly aware that it’s fake. When my family reunite during the holiday season, the warmth and closeness pales in comparison to what’s presented on TV. That isn’t Christmas, and without sounding too cold, it hopefully never will be. Yeah, maybe in some families things aren’t treated so callously. I don’t know, and I don’t want to know. But I’m positive that I prefer my entertainment to treat Christmas with some realism, in the sense that I’d take Frank Costanza physically fighting his crying son over let’s say, a warm embrace after verbally accepting their differences. God, I actually felt sick writing that.

The Brady Bunch, the Huxtables, the family from Full House whoever the hell they were, even the goddamn Simpsons – when compared to the Costanza family, I know who I relate to more.

As mentioned earlier, this episode also involves Kramer working at H&H Bagels. His working life is cut short however, after being denied the 23rd off to celebrate Festivus, resulting in yet another strike. I always found the moment where he announces his protest hilarious, like he’s looking for any reason to stop working again. This is confirmed by the end of the episode, where he responds to his firing with a satisfied and hefty, ”Thank. You!” It probably beats “The Bizarro Jerry” as my favorite “Kramer actually gets a job” story. I think. Maybe. The latter does have Sheena Easton.

The beginning of the episode features Dr Tim Whatley’s Hanukkah party, who’s still Jewish after seemingly converting for the jokes in the previous season. There Jerry meets his girlfriend-of-the-week, a two face (like the Batman villain, if it helps) in which she somehow changes from attractive to ugly without warning. Innocently, every time I watched this episode as a child, I could never see how she was supposed to be portrayed as ugly. After a lifetime of media influence, it’s totally clear to me today, but I think it’s a cute memory looking back. Or maybe it’s depressing, what with our idea of beauty being influenced by society and everything. Still, it doesn’t subtract from the fact that it’s a bloody hilarious story, and introduces the fact that Monk’s (the coffee shop they always visit) is actually a pretty awful restaurant.

Gwen: Jerry, how many times do we have to come to this place?
Jerry: Why? It’s our place.
Gwen: I just found a rubber band in my soup.
Jerry: Oh, I know who’s cooking today!

Meanwhile, George, in an attempt to weasel out of the spirit of giving, hands out phony donation cards to everyone at work (“A donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund. The Human Fund: Money for People”). His boss, Mr Kruger, catches onto this scam, until George admits that the only reason he succumbed to such a misdeed was because he doesn’t actually celebrate Christmas, the concept of Festivus finally proving useful for another one of his lies. Committed to his story, George brings him along to his father’s Festivus celebration.

Frank: The tradition of Festivus begins with the “Airing of Grievances.” I got a lot of problems with you people! And now…you’re gonna hear about it. You, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks!
George: Oh God.
Frank: Quiet, you’ll get yours in a minute. Kruger, you couldn’t smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe… I lost my train of thought.

“The Strike” opens with a Hanukkah celebration and closes with Festivus. Even though Seinfeld Christmas episodes never really dwelled upon the traditional aspects or clichés of the holiday too much, I like how this one goes to the extreme and yet puts me in the holiday mood more than any of them. Like so many others, I originally found the idea of Festivus to be comical and undeserving of celebration. Today I adore the holiday and everything it stands for. And while I’ve never convinced anybody to participate in a “Feats of Strength” (yet), I’ve gone so far as to hand out “Human Fund” donation cards in lieu of of actual gifts, whether the recipients were Seinfeld fans or not. I’m not being cheap or anything. I’m just afraid that I’ll be persecuted for my beliefs.

I’m overjoyed that Festivus has reached a certain popularity in today’s society. The real holiday began in 1966 by Dan O’Keefe’s father, but of course was made popular when he brought it to Seinfeld. Fictional additions such as the pole were then incorporated to the point where there’s fucking Festivus pole lots. God, I love it. Christmases can go by where I don’t even think about certain Christmas shows or specials, but The Strike is undeniably the clear exception. Last year, somebody actually greeted me with “Happy Festivus!” and hadn’t even seen an episode of Seinfeld or knew that it was referring to the show. I don’t find that charming, by the way. What a despicable person. Still, the cultural significance given by “The Strike” has perfected the episode itself, not that it didn’t need much to push it there. A great episode, and in my opinion, the best of season 9.

Oh, and there’s also a plot where Elaine wants a free sandwich.

Tomorrow: It’s not all comedy around here, you know; we like serialized drama too! Well, some of us do. Or one of us does. Maybe…

Mr. Corrigan or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Johnson

Another article from Ben Gallivan, and let’s hope we get a lot more. In hono(u)r of the eighth series of Peep Show which begins tonight, here’s Ben to accomplish something I never could: write about an applicable subject in a timely way. Take it away, Ben!

It all starts quite simply; customer tentatively awaits the decision on a loan under the withering eye of the bank manager. The desperate inner thoughts of said customer for all to hear, despite the role-play scenario in front of a dozen or so colleagues.

So, Mr Corrigan… We’ve examined your loan application and I just have one question for you. Are you a pathetic, worthless punk?

In a normal situation, this would make Mark Corrigan’s heart jump into his mouth but, of course, it’s all fakery. Instead, the endless barrage of insults directed at him leads him into some kind of homoerotic fantasy. The fact that he is called a “turkey fucker” almost sends him into an orgasmic state. This, ladies and gentlemen is the power of “The Johnson.”

Carefully introduced midway through the first series of Peep Show, Alan Johnson is every employee’s worst nightmare; with the possible exception of Mark Corrigan, the Radio 4 listening, weak-tea imbibing sub who graces each episode and manages to have as much of a love/hate relationship with the viewer as his partner in crime, Jeremy Osborne. Less than a minute into Johnson’s first appearance on screen, Corrigan has already declared his love for him and due to his snail-like attempt to climb the greasy pole of personal finance at JLB, the love only grows deeper.

“Mark Makes A Friend” is the fourth episode of the first series of Peep Show — screened back in 2003 and despite notching up almost ten years and 44 episodes since it still remains a milestone, due to Alan Johnson’s introduction. Despite only being a minor character (played by the excellent Patterson Joseph), any episode that has featured him since generally stands out above many others; no mean feat given the quality of the writing throughout.

The genius of Peep Show can mostly be attributed to the minor characters. Where would the show be now if it wasn’t for Jeremy’s part-time wife and nympho Nancy, or, of course, Super Hans, who is just one dimension away from a spin-off series of his own. Over the subsequent 7 series (an eighth begins tonight), Johnson / The Johnson / Alan weaves his way through many of the most important and funniest storylines that writers Jesse Artmstrong and Sam Bain have penned.

This episode however, is one of the finest –not simply for Johnson’s introduction, but also for the sub-plot involving “the bad thing.”

Mark’s relationship with Johnson moves pretty quickly. After being trumped for a lift home from the training day by his arch-nemesis Jeff, he finds himself relishing the opportunity of spending some alone time with his new hero in the obligatory BMW. The “worst thing to happen to anyone ever” suddenly turns into the best. So much so that returning home to realise that he is now friends with the “big, black businessman” sends him once again into revelry of fantasy. There is no doubt good reason in emphasising the fact that Johnson is black –- the first black character in the show and pretty much the only black recurring character right through to the end of season seven.

Mark’s revelation to Jeremy that he has a new friend brings out the worst in the latter.

Friend? But you haven’t got a friend. Who’s your friend?

The mini-dinner party held that evening is where Mark’s obsession (and obvious embarrassment by Jez also being present) comes to the fore. Johnson makes no bones about his disdain for Jeremy — staring down at him like he is the “hippy parasite” mentioned earlier in the show — especially when presented with the fact that he “turns over when the news comes on.” Acting like an excited schoolboy with a crush, Mark shows Johnson –- or at least attempts to -– his progress with his book Business Secrets of the Pharaohs, but of course this is quashed with the “bad thing” sub-plot, rendering Mark’s laptop redundant after the previous night’s “mega-tsunami” whilst using it in the bath.

Johnson knows how to play Mark; that becomes evident as the episode progresses. A joint love of middle-of-the-road and thankfully long-forgotten dirge of The Lighthouse Family whilst letting him change gear in the “Beemer” is one such example, as is the ludicrous moustache that he attempts to grow as an homage to his new “Dad” (thankfully and quickly changed to “Daddio” when questioned). So much so, that in no time at all, Johnson has him wrapped around his little finger to such an extent that he convinces Mark to up sticks and relocate to Cardiff, leaving Jeremy to fend for himself.

If you love Johnson that much, why don’t you marry him? Why don’t you actually screw him?

And that is where Jeremy –- as Jeremy often does -– blurts out what everyone watching is thinking and then puts Mark on the spot…right in the middle of a sushi bar, naturally. Despite his protestations out loud, Mark’s inner thoughts are exactly that. The joy of Peep Show is that you often find that there are generally two very differing points of view and that they usually come from the same person.

Johnson is an obnoxious man. There’s no denying it. Mark’s apparent love for him only partially makes up for the hatred that most of his fellow workers hold for him. The fact that one of them went home from a seminar in tears brings Sophie to protest that “It’s not a wig, Alan, that’s actually her hair,” casually dismissed by Johnson with a “Yeah, whatever.” (Possibly the first time that phrase was used in the UK and now look what’s happened.) The bar scene ends with Mark quickly ditching the thought of being with the (former) love of his life Sophie after Johnson offers the choice of sticking with “[Sophie’s] fat arse,” or teaming up with him and some “fuck-off spreadsheets,” culminating in an inner-orgasm for Mr. Corrigan.

Mark’s struggle to find out whether or not he is actually, fully completely “gay for Johnson” continues. He is ably assisted by his own Boy Wonder (Jeremy) throughout and it is via that avenue and Jez’s crippling selfishness not to want Mark to relocate that we find the truth.

After crashing Johnson’s prized BMW, the stand-off ensues in a bizarre three-way (so to speak) that begins with Mark declaring his new-found homosexual crush for his boss and ends in a quite unbelievable manner.

Johnson, naturally, rebukes Mark’s advances and departs the episode just as he entered –- the no-holds-barred businessman with no time for women, or, in this case, men. He is seemingly disgusted by the thought of it, which, if true, makes him even less likeable as a character.

Instead, whilst re-watching some of the gay porn that Mark rented from his local shop we find that it is in fact Jeremy who has crossed to the other side; the “bad thing” from the night before being grimly realised as he and Super Hans performing fellatio on each other whilst completely high on whatever they could lay their hands on.

Johnson continues this role throughout the remaining series, forming a love/hate relationship with almost everyone that he meets and even more so with the audience. The one thing that remains constant however, is that the show would be so much weaker without him.

channel 4, jeremy osborne, jez, johnson, mark corrigan, peep show

What now?

July 20th, 2012 | Posted by Philip J Reed in batman | film | personal - (3 Comments)

You know to stay out of certain areas.

Fine.

Then you know to stay away from rough bars or other places.

Okay.

But once it starts following you into movie theaters and shopping malls and supermarkets and people are getting killed just for the sake of aimless massacre, what are you supposed to do?

What, in all honesty, are you supposed to do?

Why it Matters to Me That Green Lantern is Gay

…or perhaps that should be Why it Matters to Me That Green Lantern “is Gay.”

Without any question, you’ve heard about this already. Green Lantern is gay. That “is” is a present tense verb there, folks, and that’s why I have something to say about this. It is a fact that Green Lantern is gay. It is not a fact that he was gay, or always has been gay. And that’s a problem, because as progressive as this narrative decision might intend to be, it’s actually quite reductive, ignorant, and insulting.

The problem isn’t that there’s a major gay superhero now, no matter what the Parents Against Whateverthefuck groups would have you believe…in fact, they should be cheering this decision, because it makes it seem as though homosexuality is something that people can add and remove from their lives like an accessory or a piece of clothing…something to be picked up and worn when it suits them, and not at all until then.

That’s just downright wrong, not to mention preposterous. Homosexuality is not like facial hair…you don’t grow it out because you’re going through a phase or because you decided you’d look better that way. It’s an integral part of who people are…it’s what makes them human…and it’s always been there. It’s not a choice, any more than skin color, height, or voice is a choice. It’s part of who you are from birth, and while it might take a while for somebody to realize — or understand, or accept — that they are gay, that’s a gradual process of internal discovery…not an external feature plugged into us wholesale by some cosmic decider.

This reminds me in many ways of the hubbub over J.K. Rowling “revealing” that Dumbledore was gay, however many years ago that was. My concern then was similar, but it was overridden by my disgust for what she did to writing more than what she did to homosexuals.

In that case, it was a clear authorial trespass. As the author of her books, she was able to reveal anything she liked at any point. Until — and this is important — she finished writing them. After that, it’s hands off. She doesn’t get to reveal additional data elsewhere that isn’t sustained within the novels. I’ll admit openly that I haven’t read them…but I’ve known many people who have, and they’ve shared the same concern: there doesn’t seem to be anything in the novels that sustains such a reading. Certainly one could make it fit, just as we could make fit anything we’d like to imagine while we’re reading a book, chalking it up to it being one of the hundreds of trillions of things an author doesn’t tell us along the way but which we would like to believe is true anyway, but this isn’t a case of imagination…this is a case of after the fact authorial insistence.

Whatever else it may be, that’s bad writing. Either Dumbledore was gay all along and Rowling didn’t know how to handle that as an author and so she just stored it away for later blurting at a press conference, or he wasn’t gay until the moment she said he was, at which point she demonstrated an enormous disrespect to the world she created, and the imaginations of her readers that have taken them in other directions. Readers are supposed to meet books halfway…whatever they get out of it, whatever they hear, wherever their magical journey takes them, then that’s what they get from the experience. Rowling of all people should have known better about magical journeys. The author doesn’t get to inject details via syringe long after the fact.

In this case, though, it’s a comic book. Comic books have multiple authors, they span multiple generations, and there’s not just one author. What one might use as the groundwork for his character might be manipulated, discarded, or inverted by his successor. We can argue about the merits of that as well, but, for now, it’s a fact we have to take as read.

The problem, though, is that it’s still the same character. It’s a character that’s had a wealth of experiences and left an enormous imprint on his fans…fans who know every detail about what he’s actually said, done, and accomplished.

And now he’s gay. Just like that.

He wasn’t gay in the background. He wasn’t coming to grips with his sexuality for years. And he wasn’t just waiting for the perfect moment to reveal to those who care about him that he harbors a secret. He was just one thing yesterday, and another today. He donned his homosexuality like a wristwatch. Maybe he’ll like this wristwatch, or maybe he’ll take it off again once everybody gets annoyed by its loud ticking.

That’s unfair. That’s not how homosexuality works…scratch that. That’s not how humanity works. That’s not how people work.

It’s not a decision, it’s not an immediate restructuring. This is something people learn over the course of a lifetime. For Green Lantern and Dumbledore, apparently, they just become gay because someone said so. That’s terrible writing, and even worse humanity.

Regarding this radical change in which one person we’ve been learning about for so many years is killed off and replaced by a person similar in all ways but also gay, writer James Robinson said this: “It’s a realistic depiction of society. You have to move with the times.”

You’re not moving with the times at all. You’re reducing homosexuality to a character trait that can be picked up or discarded at will…that’s emphatically behind the times. That’s the mentality that keeps gays from marrying, or being recognized as functional human beings. If someone can just snap into gayness, well, just don’t snap that way and you can marry and be respected and do all the things us normal folks so love to do. That’s wrong, Robinson.

That’s wrong.

Think of it as though this weren’t a question of sexuality. Think of it as though this were a question of race. Batman, in an issue to debut next month, is revealed to be black.

Not a new Batman. Not somebody else who becomes Batman because Bruce Wayne dies. But the Batman we know. The same guy. The dead parents, the wise butler, the wonderful toys. The one we’ve seen in countless movies and comics and on television.

He’s black. And he always was. That’s the grand reveal.

Could that possibly make any sense whatsoever? It’d be absurd. It wouldn’t get people up in arms about reductivism, because it’d so clearly be impossible.

That’s what we’re dealing with now. Only the impossibility is being ignored. Not debated…just ignored.

I can’t think of a worse way to treat homosexuals than by demeaning the fact that their sexuality has shaped them, affected their lives, and helped them grow into the individuals they are today.

Green Lantern is gay, Batman is black, Wonder Woman actually contains a misplaced space and she’s really Wonderwo Man, and Poochie died on the way back to his home planet.

“It makes sense because we said it makes sense. It goes this way because we say it goes this way.” I don’t know about you, but I can’t think of anything worse than that to say to a homosexual man, woman, or child today.

Day 5: “The Strike,” Seinfeld (1997)

Mr. Corrigan or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Johnson

What now?

Why it Matters to Me That Green Lantern is Gay

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