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The 10 Episodes of The Office That Aren’t Shit

The final season of The Office began last week, with the lowest-rated premiere the show’s ever had. Even lower than the premiere of the first season, which I’m pretty sure was only watched by people so that they could give it a voodoo curse. As far as season 9′s premiere? I think more people witnessed the birth of Christ. So I thought it would be fitting to look for the silver lining on the cloud of crap, and highlight each of the 10 times that the US version of the show succeeded in not being utter shit.

I know I’ll be accused of exaggerating here, but, honestly, I think I’m totally justified in saying that there were, in fact, ten distinct times that The Office rose above the level of “outright garbage” and succeeded in being “arguably watchable.” You may think I’m being too generous, but I think it’s quite fair.

So join me now as we look back at the ten times The Office managed to narrowly beat the odds, and become something that didn’t reflect poorly on viewers everywhere.

“The Fire,” Season 2, Episode 4

Why It’s Not Shit: Whenever anybody tells you Ryan is their favorite character, they’re unquestionably referring to the Ryan of the first few seasons. It didn’t take The Office long to undo what could have been their richest and most interesting character, reducing him to a generic hipster stereotype and robbing him of his complicated brilliance. This episode sees the Ryan and Michael dynamic at its best, with a truly well-handled and ever-shifting sense of power: first Michael attempts to mentor him, then ridicules him for the vast knowledge he already has, then humbly appeals for guidance himself, and finally, with irrelevant triumph, puts Ryan back in place by taunting him about a small fire he accidentally started. It’s a great, real, character-driven story that shows these two characters being the flawed — often awful — human beings they are, without resorting to caricature or cartooniness.

Why It’s Actually Still Kind of Shit: Jim leads the rest of the office in a few time-killing games during the evacuation. That’s fine, but one of them is the rather baldly intentional “Who Would You Do?” The rest of the desert-island exercises are fun, but openly asking “yo who do you want to stick your genitals in” to coworkers he barely knows comes off as perverse, and a bit revolting. Additionally, it’s odd that Kevin gets yelled at for saying “Pam” before Jim finishes telling everyone how the game is played. This makes it seem as though Kevin behaved inappropriately, which is funny, but ultimately, no, that pretty much is how the game is played…so it’s puzzling that his response was treated with disgust, as though anyone else’s later responses shouldn’t be.

Ending on a High Note: A great, early character study showing Ryan and Michael both behaving like actual people, and Dwight showing real — not overtly manufactured and instantly undone — weakness. Enjoy it while you can.

“Take Your Daughter To Work Day,” Season 2, Episode 18

Why It’s Not Shit: It’s not exactly an episode that weaves several plotlines together, but its central conceit of introducing children to the office gives nearly everyone at least one great moment, and it also provides a good example of how to sketch out the personal lives of these characters without OH I DONT KNOW SENDING THE WHOLE OFFICE TO THEIR HOUSE FOR SOME SOCIAL FUNCTION NONE OF THEM WOULD ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT. We also see Michael at his most vulnerable, Pam displaying a humanizing (as opposed to irritating) kind of neediness, and Stanley yelling at Ryan…which is indeed genuinely scary.

Why It’s Actually Still Kind of Shit: Everything about Michael’s appearance on the children’s show works fine, until the writers seem to think we need everyone in the room to decide for us what it means. The short moment between young Michael and the puppet should be an act of devastating restraint, but instead it’s followed up by variations on “Hey, that thing you wanted is something you never got, huh?” A little too on-the-nose, and it hurts the moment substantially. Also, it ends with Michael and Dwight singing “Teach Your Children,” which works within the episode but lays the groundwork for every future episode in which the employees sing and dance for no fucking reason whatsoever, and otherwise remind you that the show was never as good as you thought it was.

Ending on a High Note: The interactions between Michael and Toby’s daughter are a series highlight, and this is a great way to give so many characters a fun spotlight without it feeling like the isolated sketch comedy of season eight.

“Grief Counseling,” Season 3, Episode 4

Why It’s Not Shit: The death of Michael’s old boss is met by the rest of the office with a notable lack of emotion, but an opportunity to discuss, explore, and accept death comes in the form of an unfortunate bird who flies into the glass doors downstairs. “Grief Counseling” is a strange episode that manages to be sombre without losing sight of the comedy, and manages to be funny without sacrificing some genuine insight into the human condition. It’s certainly a chance to explore Michael, whose emotional responses drive the action of the entire episode, but it’s also a fine showcase for Pam, who plays into Michael’s depressive fantasies by designing a respectful casket for the bird, and delivering a monologue to her hurting boss under the guise of eulogy.

Why It’s Actually Still Kind of Shit: MEANWHILE JIM CALLS SOME PEOPLE TO FIND POTATO CHIPS IN THE LEAST RIVETING SUBPLOT THIS SIDE OF TOBY DANCES FOR COOKIES.

Ending on a High Note: The meeting in which Pam, Ryan and Kevin relay the plots of popular movies rather than share their own stories of death is an all-time great. Also, the conclusion of this episode has a great payoff in “The Return,” when Oscar asks about Dwight and Creed replies, “You didn’t hear? Decapitated. Whole big thing. We had a funeral for a bird.”

“Traveling Salesmen,” Season 3, Episode 13

Why It’s Not Shit: Episodes that pair up characters in interesting ways and give them each a chance to shine, in the case of pretty much any show, tend to be quite good. During season 3 of The Office, the writers still remembered how to do that in a way that was organic to the situation, and realistic in terms of the work environment. While the sales calls themselves are brief we learn a lot about how these people operate day to day, while the cameras are off. We see normally suave Ryan falter, learn that the obstinate Stanley has actually built up a valuable network of business relationships, and we see newcomer Andy scheme his way to success, despite demonstrating a complete lack of aptitude. This was back when Andy alternated between conniving and frightening…two very interesting modes for the character that the show has abandoned in favor of making him sing all the God damned time.

Why It’s Actually Still Kind of Shit: The Phyllis / Karen sales call is really just an excuse for a sight gag, and Angela’s glower during Andy’s final talking head is a bit obvious. But, to be honest, those are minor complaints, and this is a pretty great half hour of television.

Ending on a High Note: The entire thing is a high note, catching the office (and The Office) in a state of flux. New characters have been introduced, and the show is shaking up and developing existing relationships. These are both trends that would continue, but with conclusively diminishing returns. For now, the rewards are great.

“The Return,” Season 3, Episode 14

Why It’s Not Shit: “The Return” sees multiple plotlines — and ongoing dynamics — pay off in a single episode: Oscar’s “vacation,” Dwight’s resignation, Angela and Dwight’s relationship, Jim and Karen’s relationship, Jim and Pam’s flirtation, Andy’s angling for promotion, the dickishness of Jim’s pranks, and Andy’s anger issues. It’s a simple episode in which not much happens, but relationships are changed and characters are further defined. It’s a watershed episode in a show that at the time cared about what it meant when its characters said and did things, and Andy punching the wall is still as shocking a moment now as it was six years ago…only now it’s shocking because we’ve spent so much time with him as a defeated doormat that it no longer seems feasible.

Why It’s Actually Still Kind of Shit: The party for Oscar and Dwight is a collection of unnecessary visual gags (Meredith in a mustache, Phyllis shaking her breasts around), but the amount of wasted time in this episode can be measured in seconds, and that’s all we can really ask.

Ending on a High Note: It’s about time there was a consequence for Jim’s immaturity, even if he’s not the one facing that consequence. Andy would return, emasculated, but we do get one truly brilliant moment with him before he’s changed forever, as he intends to apply his upwardly-mobile aggressiveness to anger management training itself, intending to complete it in half the allotted time.

“Product Recall,” Season 3, Episode 21

Why It’s Not Shit: The list of Office characters that haven’t become overplayed through the years is a short one, certainly, but Creed manages somehow to be both a continuing highlight, and consistent in his characterization. “Product Recall” is the closest thing we’ve ever had to a Creed episode, and even here he’s used sparingly. His off-camera shirking of his job responsibilities drives the plot, and he only really pops up to descend — beautifully — rung by rung into the levels of despicability. It’s a great and fittingly dark episode from an era in which the writers didn’t feel the need to soften blows and humanize monstrous behavior. We also get a great Andy and Jim pairing, and probably the only genuinely funny prank on Dwight, with Jim imitating his nemesis…and then receiving some payback in kind at the end of the episode. “Product Recall” took a lot of things that The Office so frequently got wrong, and then did them right.

Why It’s Actually Still Kind of Shit: A Kelly subplot is never a good sign, but this one has a great moment of Oscar / Kevin bonding that more than redeems it. It’s disappointing that the cartoons look nothing like Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck, and Andy pining for a high school student is beyond creepy, but there’s enough great stuff here to warrant its inclusion, right down to the perfectly awful moment at the end, when Creed pockets the money he collected for the woman he got fired.

Ending on a High Note: Michael’s apology video may go literally nowhere, but it’s nice to see a crisis situation in this show that isn’t resolved by the staff hoisting him onto their shoulders and singing “We Shall Overcome.”

“Dinner Party,” Season 4, Episode 13

Why It’s Not Shit: It’s all kinds of not-shit up in here. If I were to single out just one episode of The Office to be spared from a nuclear blast, and I do look forward to that day that I am put in such a position, this would be the one. It’s brilliantly acted, terrifyingly raw, and unrelentingly dark. What’s more, it gives the audience credit. While some of the Jan / Michael bickering is a bit heavy handed, we’re left with a lot of blanks to fill in on our own, and even the talking-head moments don’t bother to hammer home the obvious…they’re legitimately funny, perhaps due to the genuinely unsettling atmosphere of Michael’s desperate dinner party. There’s a real feeling of entrapment and helplessness there, and none of the characters involved know quite how to act. It’s true to life and it’s human, even down to the surprisingly moving climax that silently follows each of the characters home for the night. Until this entry, we haven’t had any episodes on this list that feature the staff leaving the office for anything other than work-related (ie: understandable) reasons. Dinner with the boss, however, is a situation both rooted enough in reality to work, and rife enough with awkwardness to make horrifying. The cameras follow the staff for good reason here…not like when they decide to have a charity run for rabies, or Michael gets lost in his hometown (huh?). Like “Product Recall,” it’s an episode that takes a lot of the ingredients of the show at its worst, and reassembles them into a thing of beauty.

Why It’s Actually Still Kind of Shit: Michael ran through a sliding glass door because he thought he heard the ice cream man. For that tiny detail, he must have shifted from well-intentioned-but-a-bit-dumb to Benjy Compson levels of retardation. Also, Jan’s character change (competent executive to raving lunatic) lays the groundwork for all too many other characters to do the same thing…with severely diminishing returns.

Ending on a High Note: Almost nothing but great lines in this one, though the standout goes to asskissing Andy, when Michael half-heartedly asks him and Jim if they’d like to think about investing $10,000 in Jan’s home-made candle business. “Thought about it. I’m in.”

“Prince Family Paper,” Season 5, Episode 13

Why It’s Not Shit: As many of the episodes on this list are turning out to be, this one is a great character showcase: in this case, Dwight. The show doesn’t always know what to do with Dwight. He’s a psychotically-devoted businessman, an ignorant farmboy, a sensitive romantic, a violent maniac, a playful child, a sycophant and a flailing comic boob, cycling through those roles as any particular script dictates. In this case, he’s firmly in the first category, and that’s good, because that’s what should drive him as a character. In “Prince Family Paper” he pairs up with Michael for some reconnaissance work at a small rival firm. What they find there, though, is a small family running an honest business, more interested in securing their own futures than in taking down the competition. Michael, of course, goes soft when the family extends the sort of human kindness to him that he wishes he could always expect from others. Dwight, however, has a different view. “It’s not personal,” he says, and as callous as he is he has a point. “It’s business.” This is why Dwight is the most successful salesman. This is why Dwight is so devoted to his work. This is why Dwight is almost always capable of being a more interesting character than he usually gets to be. He will sink a family as long as it’s business, just as quickly as Michael would spare one in spite of it being business. It’s a great and appropriately heavy episode which more than earns its bittersweet resolution.

Why It’s Actually Still Kind of Shit: Unfortunately around a third of the episode is given over to a pointless and unfunny office debate about whether or not Hillary Swank is hot. It’s garbage. Fuckin’ trust me.

Ending on a High Note: While the episode would have been far better as a Dwight / Michael adventure with little or no input from the rest of the staff, the A plot is more than strong enough to carry the episode. Also, Michael’s “bittersweet” speech at the end of the episode is one of the only times the show truly nailed the mix of comedy and pathos that should end an episode like this.

“Dream Team,” Season 5, Episode 22

Why It’s Not Shit: The Michael Scott Paper Company arc is not only the last truly great thing the show ever did, it’s arguably the single best thing the show ever did. New boss Charles Miner lends such an air of uncomfortable change to the familiar surroundings that pretty much any arc that sprung from it would have been welcome. But Michael crashing hard against reality when he tries to start his own rival paper company is both a perfect fit for the character, and an excellent way to ground a show that was already becoming a bit cartoony. “Dream Team” may or may not be the best episode of the arc — it’s hard to say, because this particular storyline is more heavily serialized than anything else — but it’s a great distillation and exploration both of Michael’s tendency to dream too big, and why one needs to feel satisfied in his or her own life. Everything from Michael’s panicky overcooking of French toast for breakfast to Ryan stealing shoes from a bowling alley to Nana’s lucid refusal to invest in the company fills in the blanks in such a way the The Office really should have been doing since day one. And Pam’s emotional collapse toward the end of the episode leads to a genuinely moving conversation between herself and Michael. It’s a mixed moral — the fact that she quit her job is never quite presented as a good decision — but it feels like its own kind of happy ending. After all, if we have to go down, we might as well go down together.

Why It’s Actually Still Kind of Shit: Ryan popping up for this arc makes perfect sense. Ryan sticking around after this arc makes no motherfucking sense whatsoever.

Ending on a High Note: Charles Miner installing Dwight as his number two, making Kevin the receptionist and keeping Jim at arm’s length makes for some great character comedy, as our perspective is tweaked just enough to make familiar situations feel fresh. Also, the fact that Pam ultimately returns to the company as a salesperson leaves the reception desk wide open for the last great character the show ever created: the infectiously bubbly and adorably daft Erin.

“Counseling,” Season 7, Episode 2

Why It’s Not Shit: Toby’s role in the show as Michael’s foil so rarely got a chance to shine, as Michael was always fast to dismiss him cruelly and Toby — we see clearly — was fast to believe he deserved such dismissal. In this episode, however, Michael is forced to undergo a marathon six-hour counseling session with his nemesis, and it results in probably the last truly interesting character interaction this show’s had. Michael cycles through refusal, fabrication, anger, abuse, and finally acceptance in a script that feels like it could have been written for a two-man stage show. Toby never quite gets a handle on the situation the way he wishes he did, but he means well, and even has a genuine moment of breakthrough with Michael…though, of course, once Michael’s aware that he’s opening up to Toby, he shuts it down immediately, and storms out of the session. It’s a way for both characters to have a mutually-fulfilling experience, without sacrificing the inexplicable one-sided hatred that’s fueled the dynamic between these characters all along. In the end, they bond briefly over the uselessness of Gabe in a conversation that would seem at least slightly meta, if the writers could be counted on to realize that these two are right, and there’s really no reason for that guy’s continuing presence. Oh well, at least he dressed as Lady Gaga in the Halloween episode and oh boy was that fucking funny my God this show sucks.

Why It’s Actually Still Kind of Shit: Dwight’s Pretty Woman subplot genuinely feels like a rejected idea from Everybody Loves Raymond. It’s absolutely terrible, and probably a pretty good indicator of what a Dwight Schrute-centered sitcom would look like. THANK GOD NOBODY’S DOING THAT RIGHT. The better subplot revolves around Pam bluffing her way to Office Administrator. Why they felt they needed the Dwight garbage when they already had plenty of stuff going on in this episode is beyond me.

Ending on a High Note: Dwight’s idea for a daycare center in the building is kind of worthless, but I do like the sight-gag of an Insane Clown Posse poster on the wall, with “Insane” and “Posse” crossed out. It’d be a lot funnier if the camera didn’t obnoxiously zoom in the make sure we got the joke but what can you do.

Were there any other episodes that weren’t shit? If not, let me know in the comments below. And also you’re wrong.

The Office Season 9 Drinking Game

September 15th, 2012 | Posted by Philip J Reed in television | the office | utter shit - (2 Comments)

Whenever the characters sing, take a sip.

If dancing is also involved, take a bigger sip.

If the group of singing and dancing characters includes those who are absolutely not the kinds of people who would sing and dance at work but are being forced to because someone wrote it to kill four minutes of screen time, finish the glass.

Whenever we are reminded of the poor financial shape that the company is in, take a sip.

Whenever a new employee is hired on in spite of what we’ve been told about the poor finiancial shape that the company is in, take a bigger sip.

If that new employee’s hiring is redundant because there is already a character on the show doing that job, finish the glass.

If that new employee now hangs around in the background or off-camera of every episode without being given anything to ever say or do by the writers, smash the glass on the floor and rub your face in it.

Whenever you feel pity for the remaining talent on the show which is forced to perform these scripts, take a sip.

Whenever a character you once enjoyed tells a joke you heard on Two and a Half Men four years ago, take a sip.

Whenever the show steals a setpiece from its UK counterpart and Americanizes it by adding farts or two sexy people making out, finish the glass.

Whenever you find yourself laughing more at the between-acts Geico commercial, take a sip.

Whenever the previously fruitful dynamic between two characters is permanently neutralized by an unnecessary plot development, take a big sip.

Whenever a character you haven’t seen in a long time makes a cameo and excites you because you like that character, take a sip.

Whenever that character says nothing funny whatsoever and you can’t believe they’d bring him or her back just for that, finish the glass.

Whenever somebody says or does something that would get them fired or arrested, even though they know full well they are being filmed as they do it, take a tiny, tiny sip. (Volume adjusted for frequency.)

Whenever two characters kiss, consume one molecule of alcohol. (Again…)

Whenever those are two characters that really can’t be kissing without retroactively damaging everything we’ve been told about them in the past, gently introduce a small quantity of alcohol to the tongue with a medicine dropper. (And again.)

Whenever the show spends 20 minutes building toward a narrative payoff that doesn’t come, take a big sip.

Whenever you realize that that payoff doesn’t come later in the season either, and the writers just got tired of the plot strand before giving it a proper resolution, finish the glass.

Whenever you remember that you used to enjoy this show, take a sip from your glass of tears.

Whenever somebody tells you that this show was never as good as the original Office, and just seemed a lot better than it was due to a now-missing charisma and genuine chemistry between cast members who are now so tired of the work they’re doing that the scripts can shine through as the shit they really are, hug that person, because he loves you enough to tell you the truth.

Liveblogging The Master of Disguise

It’s hard, and probably impossible, to express just what a disappointment Dana Carvey’s career has been. After all, an entire generation — my entire generation — of Americans came of age watching him on Saturday Night Live, bringing an infectious and masterful comic flair to a cast that included such instant heavyweights as Phil Hartman, Adam Sandler, Jon Lovitz, Mike Meyers, Chris Farley and Chris Rock, among others. He managed to stand out among a cast of standouts…but once he left the show, there was no going back. It was over. Dana Carvey — as an entertainer — might as well have ceased to exist.

Anyway, I’ve never seen The Master of Disguise. I’ve heard it’s shit. I think that’s probably true. I did see Clean Slate, which is the other movie that sunk Carvey from the public consciousness forever, and that was most certainly a pile of trash.

Long story short my girlfriend’s on vacation, my dog is asleep, and Netflix just recommended this to me because it doesn’t like me very much, so let’s watch this mother.

12:25 – Already Netflix is taunting me.

It says almost ready because I still have a few crumbs of dignity I need to lose.

…and, ready.

12:27 - Wow, this is a Happy Madison production? I guess it didn’t ruin everyone’s career then.

12:28 - It’s almost funny to see Dana Carvey get first billing. That’s be inconceivable today. Oh, and James Brolin is in this. Because he was hoping he’d die on set and his family would get a lot of insurance money.

12:30 – This theme song sucks. It’s just some…actually, wait. This sounds like Belinda Carlisle. Don’t you dare fucking taint my Go-Gos, Master of Disguise..

12:31 - A screen of text appeared, and then a narrator decided to read it to us. Guess what, filmmakers…if you do one, you don’t need to do the other. A caption (mercifully not read aloud) informs us that we’re in Palermo, Italy. I’m glad it told me, because I definitely would have thought we were on a barren soundstage with a scenery budget of $40.

12:32 - A woman flees from a bunch of criminals or something, and the narrator tells us it’s really a man, ruining the joke that comes immediately afterward where it’s REVEALED THAT IT’S A MAN. Again, movie, you don’t need to do both. Oh good, and now we’re in “America present day.” I guess punctuation costs extra.

12:33 - Dana Carvey is wearing a shaving cream beard and holding a hockey stick. Great. Now it shows us some clips of his younger years, including a scene in which he slaps the doctor for slapping him as a baby, which I’m sure is hilarious to somebody somewhere, probably to a chap of around six. Now the flashback is over and he kisses his dad(?) and leaves shaving cream on him. His dad makes a face at the camera so we know we should be laughing. Don’t remind us of that fact, film.

12:34 - “Walking on Sunshine” is on the soundtrack, because of course it is.

12:35 - Dana Carvey’s name is Pistachio in this movie. He has a terrible Italian accent for some reason. Oh Christ, now he’s impersonating both Shrek and the Donkey. This movie came out after Shrek? What better way to chart the difference in career trajectory between Wayne and Garth? I mean, I hate Shrek, but at least people went to see it.

12:36 - Pistachio’s last name is Disguisey, because life really isn’t worth living. He sees a hot girl and wants to masturbate to her, but his dad shows up. And also he’s in public. Even if he weren’t, though, come on. His dad showed up.

12:37 - Hey, Jay Johnston is in this! From Mr. Show! That’s really depressing! He trips Pistachio who drops spaghetti on some fucking people who just sit there woodenly because they’re unpaid extras and don’t get any lines and therefore don’t need to act.

12:39 - Someone says “meatballs” to Pistachio and it makes him wig out. That makes sense, since Pistachio is a waiter at an Italian restaurant and is an Italian child from an Italian family and therefore has never heard that word before.

12:41 - Whose idea was it to give Dana Carvey a film in which he speaks in this stupid accent the whole time? This is as bad a decision as that Heartbeeps movie where Andy Kauffman plays a robot.

12:42 - Pistachio just quoted “Papa Don’t Preach” to his dad, out of context, for no reason, and that’s a joke.

12:43 - Now he sees Jay Johnston and the girl from earlier making out in an alley. Pistachio wants to masturbate again, but now it will be sad masturbation. That’s what we call character development.

12:44 - Some gangsters or mob members or whatever are attacking Pistachio’s dad. I don’t give a shit. Pistachio doesn’t see it happen but he’s still able to report every detail to the police over the phone, who hang up on him causing him to drop the phone, because that’s how that works.

12:45 - This seems like it’s supposed to be an Airplane!-style sendup of something…but there’s no movie to send up, so Pistachio just makes funny faces.

12:46 - He tells his grandfather about what happened to his dad, and his grandfather says, “Did you hear something that sounded like this?” and then punched him in the face a few times. Pistachio enthusiastically replies, “Yes! Just like that!” That was actually funny. Then Pistachio has to add, “But without the pain on my face…” which kills it. Just leave the laugh line alone, Pistachio!

12:47 - Pistachio is groping a fat Spanish woman’s face because it’s actually his grandfather in disguise and Jesus Christ this kind of thing is going to happen a lot in this movie, isn’t it?

12:48 - Flashback to George Washington chopping down the Cherry Tree, just as I was hoping, only the tree gets up AND LEAVES GET IT.

12:49 - Abe Lincoln is now dancing to that “I Like to Move It Move It” song.

12:50 - I can’t tell how old Pistachio is meant to be. Dana Carvey seems like he’s playing a three year old, so I can’t tell if the joke is that he’s a grown man who acts childish, or a little kid who looks like a grown man. If I have to wonder about it, I guess, it’s probably not worth the effort.

12:51 - Pistachio and his grandfather go into the attic and find a brass sphere that can open washing machines and light candles. Then Pee-Wee’s breakfast machine starts up, revealing…revealing…I couldn’t hear it. I don’t know. His father’s wardrobe or something. Now Pistachio can be the master of disguise. Or participate in a montage wherein he does silly things with costume accessories. The song playing in the background seems to be called “Master of Disguise” and was probably recorded just for this scene by a group of young people who killed themselves later that afternoon.

12:55 - Pistachio’s dad is strapped to a chair. His wife will be burned to death unless he agrees to become a Master of Disguise for the mob. The mobster farts and pretends it didn’t happen. I wish I could do the same.

12:57 - We rejoin Pistachio demonstrating Ashton Kutcher-like levels of racial sensitivity by dressing as an Indian Man and talking like Apu having a stroke.

12:59 - He charms a snake by playing the recorder, which emanates elevator jazz when he puts his lips to it. Now the snake is eating cheese out of his hand and kissing his face. Would you like to watch this movie? Somehow I don’t think Dana Carvey would like to watch it either.

1:00 - Grandpappy Disguisey is showing Pistachio how to fight by using a wooden dummy. The expression in the dummy’s face is my favorite thing in the movie so far.

1:01 - It’s funny when old people say “Who’s your daddy?” so granddad says it over and over again while he slaps the dummy. Hee hee.

1:02 - Pistachio’s dad dresses like a black guy and the mobster farts.

1:03 - The robot slaps Pistachio a bunch of times and says “I”m your daddy.” Then Pistachio and his grandfather see a woman who turns out to be a man so they put ice cream in their mouths and make their eyes bug out. Then they are at a street cafe talking about disguises. This movie feels like a bunch of 6 second scenes stitched together, and not like a movie with a continuous flow at all. Oh, and now there’s another montage, wherein Pistachio chooses a sidekick — why would people apply for that position anyway? — while “Whip It” plays. I honestly think they just lifted this entire soundtrack from some other movie. Or, like, 40 other movies.

1:04 - A little kid falls of his bike and his mom shows up and she’s hot so Pistachio gets a boner.

1:06 - Really sick of Pistachio’s “accent.” He’s describing how he’d like to have a woman who has a big butt like his mother.

1:07 - Training over, I guess. Grandpa’s leaving, which means Pistachio will have to incorrectly wear costumes and make silly faces for inappropriate reasons all by himself.

1:08 - They are dancing.

1:10 - The woman is his sidekick so they dig through a dumpster and Pistachio wears hilarious goggles. They find a mobster’s cigar butt, which the girl recognizes but Pistachio does not.

1:11 - Now he is dressed as a turtle man and the movie is halfway over. He keeps saying “turtle.” Why wouldn’t he. Isn’t a master of disguise supposed to be inconspicuous? Otherwise why dress up? Why not just show up as Pistachio? Nobody knows who the fuck he is at this place. Why is he making an ass out of himself? Why is he making an ass out of me for watching this?

1:15 - Oh fuck you.

1:16 - Pistachio bites some guy’s nose off, then spits it right back onto his face. Now he’s spinning around on the floor like Curly from The Three Stooges. Then he finds out the girl has a boyfriend and he is disappointed, because everything was going so well up until she said that.

1:18 - Jesse Ventura is in this movie. He steals the Liberty Bell, as if you couldn’t guess.

1:19 - The mobster re-farts.

1:20 - Pistachio is nice to the little kid but the girl’s boyfriend is not. “Eye of the Tiger” plays for no reason. Pistachio is dancing again. I’d wonder if this film even has a script, but even the worst improv is better than this shit.

1:21 - The dog is riding a skateboard.

1:22 - Pistachio wrestles the dummy because it went berserk. The robot pulls Pistachio’s pants off.

1:23 - The robot again pulls Pistachio’s pants off.

1:24 - Now Pistachio is dressed as Wilma Flintstone. He calls somebody an idiot, which is not an appropriate thing for an older woman to do, so everybody makes a face.

1:25 - He’s acting obtrusive and awful again. Why is he bothering with disguises? He could just go in his normal clothes and not act like a dick.

1:26 - A cover version of “Walking on Sunshine.” It was definitely worth hearing again.

1:28 - Now he is dressed as Tony Montana and he says “Say hello to my little friend” because that is a line from that movie.

1:29 - The girl is sneaking around in the mobster’s house. She finds some pictures and stuffs them in her purse. Then she says, “I’m going to take these,” in case we didn’t know why she was putting them in her purse. In the film’s defense, yeah, it could have been for any number of reasons!

1:30 - That “Come On Shake Your Body Baby Do the Conga” song by Gloria Estefan is playing now, so Pistachio dances for the hundredth fucking time.

1:31 - They are chasing Pistachio and throwing him out. I don’t think anyone involved in making this film had any idea of what disguises are for.

1:31 - Now he’s doing Jaws. The whole fucking “shark in the water” monologue. It’s like this movie so ashamed of itself that it keeps reminding you of better movies to distract you from the fact that you’re watching Master of Disguise.

1:34 - Now Pistachio disguises himself as a pile of cow crap and someone else sings “Master of Disguise.”

1:35 - He’s dressed as Peter Pan crossed with Ed Grimley or some shit. I think they’re just cycling through a bunch of disguises in a row so they can put them all on the VHS box cover.

1:36 - Now he’s some Scotland Yard investigator or something and this fucking sucks. Not one of these disguises has been funny, and the movie seems to think this should be the funniest damned thing I’ve ever seen.

1:38 - Just a half hour left. The hot girl from earlier in the movie is here and Pistachio spills water on the guy she’s with, who turns out to be the new hot girl’s boyfriend. Pistachio gets all sorts of boners and they fight.

1:39 - “Can’t Touch This.” Of fucking course “Can’t Touch This.”

1:40 - Jessica Simpson is in this. I thought it might be Ashley. I don’t give a shit that I was wrong. I guess they wanted everyone in the theater to go nuts about all the surprise cameos. There was just one little flaw: nobody was in the theater.

1:41 - The mobster farts.

1:43 - The woman kisses Pistachio. Some serious emotional content in this scene. Those emotions are boredom, indifference, and irritation.

1:45 - This happens.

1:46 - The mobster shows off the lunar lander he stole and it seriously fucking looks like this movie had a prop budget of less than I make in a week. It’s construction paper and tinsel! Kevin Nealon is in this movie as well, so far the only other Saturday Night Live alum I noticed, just to remind everyone of why we hadn’t seen him anywhere for 10 years.

1:48 - Pistachio comes out of a pie.

1:49 - He fights the mobsters and the whole thing is broadcast live on eBay. Yes, really.

1:50 - The third separate rendition of “Master of Disguise.” They paid for this song and fucked if they weren’t going to get their money’s worth.

1:51 - Grandpa shows up to witness Pistachio’s victory. Really; that’s what he says out loud. The mobster farts. Farts. Farts. Farts. Four. Motherfucking. Times.

1:53 - Pistachio and the mobster fight on top of the lunar lander, which Pistachio grabs onto as he falls off and the mobster steps on his fingers because somebody saw North by Northwest.

1:54 - The mobster was actually Pistachio’s dad so everybody hugs.

1:55 - The Disguisey family walks side by side, and the narrator says that Pistachio married the girl and everything worked out great. Well, gee, if we weren’t going to see any of this pan out, why not just tell us all that shit upfront, narrator? Save us the hassle of watching.

1:56 - The movie is over but the filmmakers needed to squeeze in Carvey’s famous Bush impression. This time it’s W. The mobster falls underwater and farts.

1:57 - The end credits feature the fourth fucking rendition of “Master of Disguise.” We see each of the main cast members and some of the minor ones dance, because we haven’t seen enough of that already. Also Pistachio says “Say hello to my little friend” again, in case we forgot that he said that earlier.

1:59 - A million bloopers. He does the “you like-a the juice?” thing from Saturday Night Live, just so we know the precise distance he’s fallen.

2:00 - There sure are a lot of fucking outtakes. Including impressions of Groucho Marx, Bob Ross, some ancient Greek guy…oh, and now more dancing. Of course more dancing.

2:01 - A scene is ruined because everybody starts laughing at Carvey’s antics. Maybe that’s the problem…they put everyone who found him funny in the movie, so there was nobody left to go see it.

2:02 - A deleted scene has to do with Pistachio being hypnotized by the big butted women the mobster trots out, which explains — but by no means justifies — the ass obsession in this movie. Then that ends and we see more credits and outtakes. I swear to fuck a fifth of this movie is gag reel.

2:03 - W. dances, and the turtle man. Gee, it’s like coming home to old friends.

2:04 - It turns out a midget was in the dummy, so he and Pistachio are slapping each other. This movie ended like 10 minutes ago…why is it still showing itself to me?

2:05 - Oh good, an epilogue is appended to the film, in which the midget and Pistachio make amends. Pistachio wonders aloud what we’re still doing here. He could have asked that five minutes into the thing, really.

2:06 - Yet ANOTHER fucking epilogue, in which the dog talks and says “No more dog food.” This is like watching a movie that fell from space. It looks and sounds a lot like the movies here on Earth, but fuck me if I have any idea what they meant by it.

2:07 - And now, at last, it’s over, and another little sliver of my life has been peeled away forever. Not the sort of feeling comedies usually like to leave you with, but there you go.

Liveblogging The Cleveland Show, 3.4.12

I don’t think it’s even a slight exaggeration to say that The Cleveland Show is absolutely the worst thing that has ever happened in the history of everything.

For starters, I’m still not sure why it exists, ever has existed, or will continue to exist. Perhaps the Family Guy writers were sick of having a character around that hadn’t yet devolved into a sociopathic asshole and so they shipped him off to his own show so they would never have to write for a second character type again. Or perhaps we all just raped a lot of grandmothers in our past lives and this is our karmic retribution. Whatever the reason, it’s shit.

Then again, with the exception of the first episode, I’ve never sat through an entire installment of The Cleveland Show. Oh, I’ve seen a bunch of them most of the way through, but I rarely pay much attention to it. And as Fox has won me over with two recent animated shows that I expected to be utter garbage (Bob’s Burgers, which is legitimately brilliant, and Napoleon Dynamite, which isn’t awful and therefore qualifies as miraculous), I figured I’d give this one another shot, liveblogging my thoughts as I go. Who knows, maybe I’ll end up loving it. If so, I’ll end the liveblog with a justin.tv link to my live, streaming suicide.

Oh, and before we begin, The Cleveland Show is currently in its third season. That’s at least a season more than three of my all-time favorite shows were allowed to have. And this would be the season that saw the still-brilliant American Dad! airing episodes of such stellar quality as “The Vacation Goo,” “Meter Made,” “Dope & Faith,” “The 42-Year-Old Virgin” and “Widowmaker,” all of which would be serious contenders for my list of favorite episodes of anything ever. SO LET’S SEE HOW THE CLEVELAND SHOW MEASURES UP I’M SURE IT’S GREAT.

6:15 – The plot summary for this episode says that Cleveland goes deaf, his wife Roberta goes back to school, and his son runs against his step daughter for class president. So, the three blandest plots imaginable in one easy-to-swallow episode. I’m just sorry Cleveland doesn’t also have to impersonate his Texas cousin Austin and then have to run back and forth between two blind dates.

6:30 – It begins. God I hate this theme song. Not that Family Guy or American Dad have real winners or anything, but is this whole thing just an excuse to have him sing “happy mustache face?”

6:31 – Cleveland is crawling through some heating ducts. Then he’s done and his wife starts crying. Excellent writing so far.

6:32 – Cleveland attempts to “use the force” to get a remote control to levitate into his hand, and then he convinces his son to make him a sandwich. This is on the air, folks.

6:33 – New scene, Cleveland Jr. is talking to his teacher about being class president, or something. Then the teacher flashes back to…a few hours ago maybe? He’s singing “Fuck You” in a barbershop style. This was a lot funnier when the chickens sang it in the recent Muppets movie, and even there it wasn’t particularly funny.

6:34 – Cleveland said that something’s got his wife all “insane in the femme brain.” That’s the closest thing to actual humor I’ve heard in this episode yet, and it’s long out-of-date reference to Cypress Hill. Does anyone even know who they are anymore? And did I almost laugh because it was funny, or just because I recognized it? It’s probably the latter…

6:36 – Cleveland’s step daughter showed up to a class presidential debate dressed as Sarah Palin, because Sarah Palin was also someone who was at some debates once. I guess.

6:37 – Cleveland’s wife tells him he can’t go on a hunting trip because he might get killed. Then she plays “Taps” on the recorder. I’m honestly not sure if these even qualify as jokes, so much as they’re just things that happen after other things happen.

6:38 – The bear drinks a lot of beer and burps.

6:39 – Cleveland Jr. hires the talking baby (whose name is Black Stewie, or should be) to convince the Sarah Palin girl not to run. Then we cut back to Cleveland who hears a gun go off and then is deaf.

6:40 – First commercial break. What’s happened so far? I can’t even summarize it. There’s no narrative flow to speak of, which, hey, isn’t a huge deal in itself for a cartoon show, but there also haven’t really been any jokes. I almost think that this show must be written for toddlers, the way all the jokes seem to have the word “fart” or the sound of a burp as a punchline. That’s where we’re supposed to be laughing, people. And I do imagine it would be a fucking riot if I was…six.

6:41 – Commercial is over; that was quick. Cleveland is at the doctor and speaking in a steotypically hilarious “deaf guy” voice. This sure bodes well for the rest of the episode.

6:42 – In order to hide his impairment Cleveland is just agreeing with everything his wife says. Fortunately the “deaf guy” voice went away, which is a good thing but probably wouldn’t have happened if any of the people writing this thing gave a shit.

6:43 – A sign outside the school says ELECTIONS TODAY, and two children hold up the letter R, giggling, before they change the sign to read ELECTRONS TODAY. That’s genuinely clever. Credit where due…I’m happy to admit it when good writing works its way into this show.

6:44 – The deaf guy voice is back. That didn’t last long.

6:45 – Cleveland’s hearing comes back, because I guess the writers ran out of funny jokes to make about serious injuries resulting in permanent hearing loss.

6:46 – Cleveland is wearing ear plugs so that he can go on agreeing with everything his wife says…though I’m not sure why he has to be deaf to do that, particularly when he was hiding the fact that he was deaf anyway. Shouldn’t the fact that his hearing came back just sort of…solve the problem?

6:47 – Cleveland’s wife sold his baseball cards, which I’m sure we never heard about or cared about in the past, to pay for school. Because she’s going to school, I guess. As a direct result of this, Cleveland dresses up as a giant sandwich and then runs away from his fat son, screaming. Another commercial begins because, seriously, where the fuck do you go from there?

8:50 – Cleveland summarizes everything that’s happened so far, in case the viewers needed to be reminded that nothing’s happened so far.

8:51 – The step-daughter is elected president and then immediately resigns, which is hilarious, as that’s definitely the kind of joke we need to be making about a minor news item that’s three years out of date.

8:52 – Black Stewie walks down a hallway and disappears.

8:53 – Cleveland admits to his wife that he couldn’t hear for a while, but then could, explaining why he was agreeing with everything she said, making this, I don’t know, the third time the show needs to explain itself to us. Maybe if it didn’t worry so much about whether or not we understood its nonsense, it might find time to make us laugh.

8:54 – Then again, the funniest thing in this episode is still the Cypress Hill reference so…fuck that.

8:55 – Cleveland’s house is in turmoil because his wife was at college. Then she comes back. Wow, that plot development lasted a full minute, and didn’t really give us any jokes unless you count the fact that Cleveland thought his wife’s new friends were pretty as a joke. Which, well…why the hell not. Might as well fill out the numbers.

8:56 – Third commercial break. The story so far: Cleveland was deaf for two minutes, his wife was at college for sixty seconds, and there was an entire school election plot that happened entirely off-camera. I honestly think I’d get more out of this show by not watching it.

8:57 – Oh, it’s over? Nice…uh…punch line. For those who weren’t watching, it ended with Cleveland walking upstairs.

Thanks for sharing the laughs, everybody!