Category: alf

I’ve been doing nothing but urinating and playing Fallout 4 for the past week, so forgive me if I come off as slightly distracted…but I think I can push the game aside and focus on ALF for the couple of hours it’ll take me to write about it.

“Hooked on a Feeling” begins with Vault 111 opening at last, 200 years after The Great War has left the planet a barren wasteland. ALF is unfrozen in this dangerous new world, and left to fend for himself as he searches for his kidnapped son…

…okay, yes, I’m kidding, but as I made that joke, I realized that ALF and the Fallout series are actually worthy of comparison. (NO REALLY KEEP READING)

In each case, the backstory involves the nuclear destruction of an entire planet. In ALF‘s case that destruction is literal, whereas in the case of Fallout it refers to the destruction of civilization. In short, Melmac isn’t there anymore, while Earth still is.

But that’s not as material as you might expect. Earth is physically still there in Fallout, but it’s nigh unrecognizable. A few surviving landmarks remind you of what humanity has lost, but that’s it. ALF and the Lone Wanderer find themselves therefore in very similar situations.

Alien (to you) creatures roam the planet. You’ll never see anybody you know again. There’s a whole new set (or, rather, new sets) of laws and rules and mores you need to teach yourself…and if you’re not careful and you expose your origins to the wrong people (Melmacian refugee in one case, naive Vault-dweller in another), you are in very real danger of execution…or worse.

In each case as well the nuclear disaster occurs off camera. It’s something we hear about (whether through loading screens or Melmac Facts), but never see. This allows us, in the audience, to fill in many blanks as we see fit, but it also does a great job of reminding us of what’s important: something happened, yes, but more important is what happens to our protagonist next. The apocalypse happens off camera because the apocalypse is not the story; how our hero deals with the apocalypse is the story.

Interesting parallels. But the difference, of course, is that Fallout is interested in its own mythology. ALF has no interest whatsoever, which makes it odd that the writers built Total Nuclear Annihilation into their backstory at all.

Don’t get me wrong, I like that Melmac was destroyed by careless social idiocy. I think that’s one hell of a brave choice for a late 80s American sitcom. But since the show does almost nothing with it, I’m not sure why it made that choice. As it stands, Melmac could still exist and ALF could just be stranded on Earth for any other reason. A busted ship part, for instance.

It’s that simple. “A.L.F.” saw our alien hero fleeing the apocalyptic blast that swallowed his homeworld, which is exciting and great, but for all the show did with it ALF might as well have just run out of gas.

Fallout does a great job of questioning itself and finding interesting ways to explore its own premise. It relishes the opportunity to figure out why things panned out the way they did, how different regions dealt with and adjusted to the tragedy, and how everything we take for granted about modern life (not just in a technological sense, but in a social and cultural sense) can vanish in an instant…and how that changes, damages, and destroys humanity when it does.

ALF could not care less. Nor could ALF. He finds himself stranded in a whole new world…so he figures out when his favorite shows are on television and he’s pretty much adapted to his new life.

That could be the joke (our oft-mentioned Roger on American Dad! lives a much richer social life than ALF does, but his adjustment period is suggested to have been about as brief), however the problem is that the family adapted to their new lives at least as quickly. Faced with incontrovertible proof of intelligent alien life — and, indeed, the prospect of actively harboring it from discovery in perpetuity — Willie takes a shower, Kate cooks dinner, Lynn studies for a test, and Brian sniffs glue under the bed.

The joke can’t be that ALF adjusts so quickly, because so does everybody. The joke can’t be that ALF doesn’t give a shit about this sudden reconfiguration of everything he knows about life itself, because neither do the Tanners. The joke can’t be anything, actually, because not even the characters are interested in the premise of this show.

ALF is just there. This is the way Melmac ends: not with a bang, but a whimper. The writers, the actors, and the show’s creator Paul Fusco had an idea that quite literally exploded with promise from the start…and none of them could wait to drill it into mediocrity.

ALF, whether the show cares to admit it or not, is a work of post-apocalyptic science fiction. It’s also, to my knowledge, the only one that does an entire episode about its protagonist eating cotton balls. It’s hard to imagine any way to exaggerate this for effect; the ALF we got is the most disappointing of all possibilities.

“Hooked on a Feeling” showcases again, sadly, how poorly preserved season four’s masters are. There’s a worn VHS quality to the visuals, and a faint hum of static on the audio track.

And, again, I won’t hold this against the episode, but I will confess that it interferes a bit with my enjoyment. Sure, maybe the episode stunk and I wouldn’t have enjoyed it anyway, but now it stinks and is annoying on a visceral level, so I feel the need to bring that up.

It opens with ALF breathing his disgusting breath all over the side of Lynn’s face and neck, holding it just long enough for Andrea Elson to consider the sweet release of teen suicide.

The family is unpacking groceries, including, of course, a bag of Kettle Chips in clear view. Was somebody on the production staff courting the heiress to the Kettle Chips fortune or something?

Willie comes in with Eric and asks who the fuck ate all the heads off his Q-Tips, as characters often do in great works of post-apocalyptic science fiction. SPOILER IT WAS ALF

After the credits ALF is laughing at a TV that isn’t on. Willie and Kate come in not to scream at him for braying mindlessly while the baby is trying to sleep, but to ask him if eating cotton has been affecting his mood. Man, on how many sitcoms can someone ask that question without it being a joke?

Willie tries to take the cotton away, which leads at least to a gem of a screengrab.

He says he’ll ration it to ALF, which seems like an odd solution, but I guess I don’t actually know what the problem is. ALF is telling a bunch of shitty jokes and does an impression (as far as I can tell) of a Southern belle, but is this supposed to be out of the ordinary for him?

I get the sense that it’s supposed to register as though it is, but I certainly couldn’t tell you how this is any different from the shit he’s normally doing. Aren’t shitty jokes, offensive monologues, and howling laughter at shit that isn’t funny just another day with ALF in the house?

I think the idea is that the cotton balls are making him hallucinate…or act drunk maybe…?

Which is a pretty interesting idea in its most general sense. ALF is from another planet…another planet with a different atmosphere, composed of different elements, with gave rise to life forms of an entirely different physiology than what we know on Earth.

Okay, sure, they apparently breathe oxygen (and speak fuckin’ English), but aside from that they are very different creatures. Our junk food might provide their nutrients. Our fruits and vegetables might make them sick. And something we find inedible might prove to be a powerful hallucinogen to them. It’s all in the way the body processes things; different bodies, different processes.

And it leads to a pretty funny moment, I guess, when ALF complains that without his cotton balls, “those Cheech and Chong movies are going to lose some of their poignancy.” I mean, I didn’t laugh at it, but I wanted to laugh at it, so that’s something.

I’m on board in theory, because that’s an interesting idea. But only in theory, because this show is a giant lump of shit, and the idea of ALF doing a “pot episode” fills me with nothing but hatred and dismay.

Later that night, Max Wright and Anne Schedeen wake up in cold sweats after realizing what they’ve done to their careers.

Also, ALF is singing “Theme from New York, New York” at the top of his lungs. Eric doesn’t wake up crying, which means it’s probably too late to observe that somebody should have fed him at some point.

Of course, the aural gag of ALF’s performance is no substitute for actually seeing him in a funny hat, about to deepthroat a banana on webcam, so we cut to that next.

Willie, Kate, and Lynn all rush to the living room to pierce his kidneys with knitting needles…the latter even though she has no lines.

I’m not complaining about that…just observing that it’s odd that Brian’s not around. Having no material for the kid isn’t an excuse, as Andrea Elson gets to appear in the scene. Come to think of it, we haven’t seen Brian at all. Was Benji Gregory accidentally left in a hot car or something?

ALF offers the family a bite of one of the couch cushions and suggests that they visit a plantation on Alabama so that they can enjoy cotton that’s still warm from the palms of a negroid, but everyone just goes to bed because that’s what they do when the writers can’t think of how to end a scene.

The next scene has Brian in it, making his absence in the last scene even weirder to me, but, more importantly, it also has my favorite line.

Kate asks Brian if he told ALF breakfast was ready. He says, “No,” and she replies, “Oh, thank you.”

I’m legitimately going to miss Anne Schedeen. And I might even miss Brian if he keeps wearing awesome shirts like this one, which is patterned with overturned green skulls. Are you sure you’re not Mr. Ochmonek’s kid?

ALF comes in, weary and disheveled from the night before. Kate offers him some aspirin, and when she’s not looking he eats the cotton ball from the bottle…which is pretty funny.

Willie catches him doing it, but ALF says that Brian ate it. I guess the joke should be that there’s no way we’d believe Brian ate a cotton ball, but, come on, I wouldn’t put anything past this brainless kid.

ALF admits that he may have a problem, and sad music comes on while Willie takes his wife’s hand.

…okay?

Am I supposed to be touched? Worried? I’m assuming this is at least a little bit parodic — what with it being a hand puppet eating cotton and all — but I honestly don’t know for sure that that’s the case.

ALF has treaded Very Special Waters before…most notably with “Tequila,” which sucked cock, and “Have You Seen Your Mother, Baby, Standing in the Shadow?” which was actually really good. That’s a 50% success rate, which is better than ALF has for anything else (except Dr. Dykstra appearances, I guess), but I’m not keen on seeing it revisited, especially since there’s no way in hell this crap is going to approach the heights of the episode with Jake’s mother.

If it leans on overt parody of Very Special Episodes, then we might be on to something. If it doesn’t…

…it’s too hideous to contemplate.

After the commercials Brian has changed into a Hawaiian shirt and GUYS IT IS CANON THAT HE IS MR. OCHMONEK’S KID

ALF gets all pissy because they’re eating food and not giant cotton fluffs or something, I guess, so he leaves. Lynn mentions that the mother of one of her friends was in a support group that helped her quit smoking, and Kate suggests the loose idea that ALF could benefit from something like that.

Willie spits caustic sarcasm at her because he can’t exactly shuttle ALF over to the Betty Ford Clinic, nor can he invite a group over and tell them he’s a rare talking dog or something, you dumbass hag of a bitchwife fuck.

What a dick, this guy. I look forward to the next time ALF fans pop up in the comments to tell me that Willie is a much nicer guy than I give him credit for. As I’m concerned those people are commenting from a separate plane of reality.

Yes, I understand that he has a point; ALF can’t be revealed to the world, even if the world can help him solve this problem. But no, by no means do you need to verbally assault your wife for trying to find a productive solution…especially when you don’t have any better ones yourself.

Oh, but, wait…Willie does have a better one, even if it doesn’t occur to him: Dr. Dykstra.

Willie has a longtime friend who already knows about ALF and has an established history of helping him through psychological issues. Hell, he’s a psychologist, and he visited the house twice in the past week. Looks like we can get ALF some therapy after all.

So what was that bullshit about your wife’s idea being monumentally stupid and worthy of dickish scorn? You know somebody who can facilitate exactly what she suggested, and you know he can do so successfully.

But, no, it’s better to ruin dinner for the whole family by acting like an asshole and making your wife feel dumb for trying to help.

Tell me again, phantom commenters, why you believe Willie would be great at social work.

Actually…

ACTUALLY WAIT. Fuck!

Willie IS A SOCIAL WORKER. He must deal with addiction issues all the time. Like, every single day.

Why is he drawing a complete blank here? Why is he making fun of his wife’s suggestion that someone may be able to help ALF? Why is he not volunteering to help?

I’ll tell you why: because he isn’t a social worker. Willie sitting here bitching at his family while ALF ODs on the carpet is the social work equivalent of a fire fighter sitting motionless on the sofa while his house burns down. Yes, he’s off the clock, but no, that doesn’t mean he becomes instantly incompetent and forgets that he’s been specially trained for exactly this situation.

Willie’s not a social worker, folks. The show tells us that he is, but it has yet (outside of maybe one scene in the ant farm episode) to show him doing anything a social worker actually does, behaving in any way like social workers actually behave, or caring about anyone who isn’t himself.

Fuck this show, and fuck this fucking fuck.

Then the family suggests another way their suggestion would work, making Willie’s assholish response seem even less deserved and more out of line: they could invite a support group to the house, with Willie pretending he has the problem. That way ALF can overhear their responses and benefit, indirectly, from their help and understanding.

All things considered, that’s not that stupid an idea, but Willie mumbles and grumbles because his family fixed everything, I guess. Last week he got upset because ALF fixed his radio. And he’s always shitting all over the Ochmoneks for the nice things they do for him and say to him.

I’ve never, ever seen a character so constantly pissed off by the nice things people do for him. Even Scrooge changed his ways by season four.

Willie, having no idea how grateful he should be that Kate is handing him a resolution to this episode rather than a stack of divorce papers, begrudgingly goes along with it, making sure she knows how much he hates her for suggesting it.

What a guy.

Then ALF eats a bunch of lint out of the dryer, which muddies the pot analogue somewhat as we learned in “Baby, You Can Drive My Car” that lint was valuable on Melmac.

So is it marijuana, or money? Well, in this episode it’s one, and in the other episode it’s another.

Then again, cotton is a major component of U.S. currency (75% or so of every bill, unless that’s recently changed) but I can’t imagine that was a conscious connection on behalf of the writers. More likely they forgot that they already built lint into the Melmac Mythology in a different way. Those idiots. It’s like they aren’t even reading my Melmac Facts!

The support group arrives in the next scene, and I admit it’s impressive that ALF landed a cameo from Leisure Suit Larry so late in its run. In the kitchen ALF makes fun of the woman on the left for being overweight.

WE WILL ALL MISS THIS SHOW

He also says that the pâté Kate is serving looks like cat food…which reminds me: where’s Lucky?

I think the last time we saw him outside of the intro credits was “Tonight, Tonight,” but that obviously wasn’t part of the show’s main continuity. (And I have a sinking suspicion they just slapped any old cat in Joan Embery’s lap without regard for resemblance.) So when was the last time Lucky had anything to do with the show? I couldn’t tell you when he last appeared, or was even directly referenced. And why not reference him NOW THAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT CAT FOOD?

A commenter flippantly suggested at some point that ALF ate Lucky and hypnotized the Tanners into believing he was still around. I’d credit you if I remembered who you were (remind me!), so along with Brian being Kate and Mr. O’s illegitimate lovechild, I’m willing to say that “Hooked on a Feeling” passively cements that as canon as well. This episode sure is doing a lot of unintentional world building!

Kate brings the appetizers out, which is the show’s excuse for letting everyone else get a few digs in at this woman for being heavy. It’s kind of shitty, actually, and it reminds me of just how needless and cruel the jokes about Randy’s intelligence felt in “Torn Between Two Lovers.”

There and here the show seems to want us to laugh at characters for something they can’t help. It’s not undercut or commented on in any interesting way; it’s just a tacit invitation to point and laugh at someone different. (It’s not that far removed from the show’s treatment of the Ochmoneks, come to think of it.)

And that’s…pretty fucking awful. I imagine that the purest episode of ALF would just be some unfortunate, unattractive person standing quietly center stage while the entire regular cast laughs at him and calls him names.

There is, however, a moment I love here…and, yes, it actually involves a fat joke.

One of the other women at the meeting comments nastily, “Is there anything on that tray you don’t want?”

Hilarious, right?

…no, of course it’s not.

But the delivery is so deliberately hammy, so intentionally melodramatic, so beautifully drawn out (“Is there anything on that tray you dohhhh-n’t wahnt?”), that I love it.

I love it because this woman, whoever she is, realizes full well what a cartoony piece of bullcrap she’s been cast in, so she pitches her performance in a way that lets us at home know that she knows it’s bullcrap.

Jack LaMotta does the same thing by giving his character a clear personality beyond what’s written on the page. Bill Dailey did it by rising above the material he was given and treating it with a degree of professionalism that it didn’t deserve. This woman does it by becoming a live action Cruella De Vil.

In short, she’s having fun with it. She’s in a crappy show, she’s given a crappy line, and the whole joke here is that she gets to shit on someone for being fatter than she is.

Her response? She becomes an exaggerated villain in a way that displays clear self-awareness. Look at her eyebrow, for crying out loud! She raises it high after delivering her line…a promise to the audience that she knows what she’s doing, and that doing it is the only way she’ll come out of this shit with her dignity intact.

There’s even a great little flourish to her performance afterward, as she glides behind Kate and the heavy woman, her face appearing briefly between them as she does so, and we see that she’s holding the same expression.

It’s genuinely funny, but the shot isn’t framed properly so the camera doesn’t quite catch the joke. (Hence the lack of a screengrab.) This suggests to me that either the production crew failed to properly frame their own shot (plausible), or this woman — Marcia Firesten, who doesn’t seem to have had many roles in other things — invented the flourish on her own, and the crew wasn’t expecting it (more plausible).

Either way, I love it.

The meeting begins, and Willie flounders a bit while introducing himself. I guess the Tanners didn’t decide what Willie’s lie was going to be, because he says he’s trying to quit smoking…while Kate told the group earlier that he’s afraid to leave the house.

Jesus Christ, people…if you’re going to infiltrate a support group on false pretenses, at least figure out what the fuck those pretenses are. Is that too much to ask? How much of an idiot is Willie that he didn’t bother to prepare a lie beforehand? He knew what the plan was!

It’s kind of annoying, not least because Willie’s floundering is usually pretty funny (see “Lies,” which I’m becoming more and more convinced will be the runaway best of the season).

Here, though, it’s just the camera fixed on Max Wright while he makes faces and eats up time.

It’s much funnier when he’s actually blurting ridiculous explanations…otherwise we’re just watching a confused old man slobber all over himself. And it sucks.

Willie escapes to the kitchen, which he’s able to do because the support group people aren’t characters; they’re just actors who aren’t in this scene, so he can take all the time he needs.

He and ALF touch boners for a while, and then he says that he doesn’t know what to say to the group about why he smokes. He tells ALF that this whole arrangement was made to help him get better, so he has to want to get better, which is something I understand but which I also can’t see affecting the way a totally separate conversation in a totally different room with totally different people will pan out, and fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fuck this episode sucks.

Willie says he’ll steer the conversation to something ALF can relate to, and then he re-enters the meeting to talk about raping his kids.

Actually, he just goes back to the “won’t leave the house” thing, so I wonder why the smoking was introduced at all. It feels like a setup for a comic complication that never actually comes.

Willie says he doesn’t want to be seen, because he’s not from around here. Then he’s asked where he’s from, and Willie, too quick, replies, “Ohio.” That’s where Leisure Suit Larry is from, so he starts asking if Willie knows any of his old friends. And then Cruella De Vil jumps in and says, “Do you ever think that everything is going to come crashing down around you, burying you in an avalanche of hopelessness?”

She holds his wrist while she asks this…and then keeps holding it. I love this woman. Can she replace 90% of the actors on this show moving forward? I’d have a lot more faith in the remainder of season four if she did.

ALF calls loudly for Willie, because fuck this show.

Willie goes in to check on him and presses him for a reason that he eats cotton, as though that’s what the entire episode is asking, and if we just figure that out the problem will solve itself. Odd; I thought we’d established that he was eating cotton for its hallucinogenic properties.

Maybe that’s what Willie’s asking — “Why do you need to escape through narcotics?” as opposed to “What do you get out of taking narcotics?” — but the phrasing is weird, and it’s only in writing this sentence that I’m able to figure out what Willie seemed to be getting at.

ALF, as sitcom characters do when there’s only a few minutes left in an episode, comes to a realization: he wants to go outside, and he doesn’t like people telling him what he should and shouldn’t do.

Great! Those problems solve themselves. Open the door and let him strut to certain doom. Everybody wins!

Admittedly, it moves into stronger territory when ALF says that he wants to see others who are like him. “I want to go home,” he says.

And, as we know, he can’t do that.

There is no more home. Something happened…and there’s no going back. Whatever you want is behind you, so you need to start wanting something — anything — that’s ahead.

That, the episode suggests, is why he turned to eating cotton. Which is great and all, but wasn’t this a drug addiction allegory? Is the episode suggesting that junkies are just lonely and want to return to their home planets? That they’ll stop taking drugs the moment the articulate what’s missing in their lives? Because that sure as shit isn’t true.

What actually happened here? It feels as though one problem was introduced, but the episode ends by resolving another.

Actually, scratch that; it doesn’t end by resolving anything; ALF still can’t go home. Instead the episode begins with one problem and ends with him mentioning another.

How interesting. How bizarre.

ALF goes on about missing his family and friends, which would be touching if it didn’t look like he was also giving Willie an under-table Handy Jay:

The therapist comes in to check on Willie, and to ask who was yelling about wanting to go home. Willie says it was he himself yelling, so the therapist does what a sitcom therapist does and says, “Isn’t this your home?”

Willie passes this off as some kind of awakening, and that’s that. The therapist and the support group leave. Wow, Willie sure provided lots of support to his fellow members, didn’t he?

ALF also complains about not getting to have a child of his own, which he did back in “Having My Baby” as well, but you might have missed that because we were all arguing about abortion.

Anyway, with the entire plot resolved by virtue of ALF mentioning a bunch of issues nobody can help him with, we get to the episode’s money shot of Willie eating a cracker.

In the short scene before the credits…

No

please no

SHITTING JESUS NO

Countdown to Jim J. Bullock existing: 1 episode
Countdown to ALF being desanguinated in front of the Tanners: 18 episodes

MELMAC FACTS: Melmac had Saturday Night Aphid Chews. ALF and Rhonda went “harness racing” one night, and she helped him out of his bridle. (It was established in “Stop in the Name of Love” that ALF and Rhonda never actually dated — Melmac blew up before he got to take her out — but this wasn’t necessarily a date.) Willie says that ALF always jokes about Melmac…something ALF doesn’t dispute, which may mean that some of the previous Melmac Facts are retroactively false. SUPER SORRY

I’ve more or less resigned myself to the fact that we’ll never see Jodie again. On any other show, this would register as mild disappointment at best. After all, while a great character may be retired on those shows, there will be other reasons to tune in from week to week. That’s why they’re great; our enjoyment doesn’t hinge upon one or two small things that we hope will make an appearance. On ALF, however, her loss is significant.

As you probably remember, “For Your Eyes Only” was the first episode of ALF that I genuinely enjoyed, and it’s still something of a high water mark for the series. ALF befriending a blind woman wasn’t just a great idea; it had solid followthrough. It was a funny episode that also managed to make me feel sad for the insane alien rapist who lived in the laundry basket. There was a sweet and welcome honesty to his relationship with Jodie, and while I’ve enjoyed other episodes since, that’s still the first one that comes to mind when I reflect on my favorites.

She returned in “We Gotta Get Out of This Place,” which was nowhere near as good, but was still enjoyable. Jodie’s actress brought a unique, fragile charm to the show, and though I’m sure she was created for ALF to spit blind jokes at, she still managed to be human. She wasn’t simply a target; she was a friend. She was some cross-dimensional emissary from a parallel universe version of ALF that let characters be characters, and I loved having her around…however briefly.

But she’s not in this season, as far as I can tell, and she wasn’t around in season three, either.

Jodie’s gone, and ALF has apparently decided it didn’t need one of its most effective characters, and one of its few genuine achievements, after all. Coupled with the fact that Jake didn’t survive to season four, this does not bode well for characterization in ALF‘s final stretch.

Jodie did make one final appearance in “We Are Family,” which sucked on toast. But that’s hardly her fault, and her appearance was arguably the best thing about the episode. Only arguably, though, because that episode also saw a visit from Dr. Dykstra…the other character I always mention when listing ALF‘s few genuine achievements.

Dr. Dykstra first appeared in the best episode of season one, “Going Out of My Head Over You.” He was a psychologist friend of Willie’s, and he’s obviously someone the family trusts deeply. After all, they deliberately revealed ALF’s existence to him. And yes, okay, since then ALF has met everyone in LA, most everyone who has ever visited America, and 194 of 266 Popes…but at the time, ALF meeting another human was something that actually mattered. (See also, and not coincidentally, Jodie.)

Then he appeared in the great season two episode “I’m Your Puppet.” That’s when the show (surprisingly, incredibly) turned the camera back on itself, and gave us a full half-hour of meta commentary and vented frustrations. As with “Going Out of My Head Over You,” Dr. Dykstra’s appearance seemed to indicate that we were watching something smarter than the average episode. The writers used him where — and only where — he’d do the absolute most good. He was deployed, it seemed, only when an episode deserved him.

And, like Jodie, he had two major appearances, followed by a minor one in “We Are Family.” And that was it.

Until now. Jodie may be gone. Jake’s body may be cooling in the ground. But Dr. Dykstra is going to grace us with his presence one final time.

This episode and one other (“Fever”) represent the last of my high hopes for season four. Let’s see if this one at least lives up to its pedigree.

Oh, right, the opening scene. ALF tries to get the family to play the home version of Jeopardy! with him. They each in turn tell him to suck a dick.

Later on ALF watches Willie solder some shit.

I do actually like this. In the opening scene Brian was on his way to his Scout meeting, which was a nice bit of unexpected continuity. Furthering that, Willie was on his way to outside to work on his ham radio…which is his longest-standing hobby, being as we first saw him messing around with it in the pilot. (I guess it’s also possible that his ham radio fucked with ALF’s navigation system, causing the alien to crash into the garage in the first place, which is as good an argument against building a ham radio as I can possibly imagine. But I don’t think there was any definitive connection there.)

On top of that, ALF referred to Lynn as a college student, and Kate…well, Kate drove Brian to the Scout meeting, because she’s a woman, and it’s her job to take care of the kids while Willie dicks around in the shed. (Eric is not mentioned, but since everyone is doing something else, we can rest assured that he’s weakly gurgling for help from the family that will never hear him.)

All of this continuity is interesting to me, and the credited writer for the episode is Jerry Stahl…your vote for the identity of the One Good Writer. On top of that, we know Dr. Dykstra shows up. These are great signs; all of the ingredients are in place for a pretty good episode of ALF.

Willie then explains to ALF why he’s fascinated by the ham radio. Sure, he could pick up the phone and call anyone he wants, but he says that ham radios are about the challenge. It’s about teaching yourself how to make machines behave the way you want them to behave. It’s about using your own two hands to create, to connect, to converse. To conjure up strange voices from all over the world. And, man, this is awesome. It’s not brilliant writing or anything, but for one of Willie’s hobbies to have an actual justification…I feel spoiled. It means that somebody didn’t just say, “Willie likes ham radios.” They asked, “Why does Willie like ham radios?” and then they answered it.

It’s like what happened in “Night Train” on a smaller scale. That episode explored Willie’s model train hobby, and fleshed out his backstory in doing so. This episode, at least in part, is taking a recurring detail that began in the pilot and giving us a reason behind it. And even if this episode turns out to be shit, SPOILER it does SPOILER, I appreciate that.

Anyway, Willie’s trying to install some whatever the fuck thing so he can talk to Australia, and he says he’s been at it for three months. ALF twists a screwdriver and that does whatever it’s supposed to do and some guy with a shitty sitcom Australian accent immediately comes over the radio to greet them. Hilarious. At least it shut Willie up and we don’t have to worry about him getting a chance to become an actual character before the show ends.

Later on ALF is bothering Brian. He’s irritating the family because he’s bored; there’s nothing on TV, he says, and he’s read all the books in the house.

I call significant bullshit on the latter since we’ve only ever seen ALF read tabloids and Cyrano de Bergerac, and we know that Willie has a pretty meaty library in the garage. Even a voracious reader would need substantial time to get through all of that. What’s more, ALF at no point acts like a well-read individual. Shit…he can’t sit still, so when exactly is he plowing through Willie’s Modern Library collection? You think this jackass who can’t go two seconds without dancing a jig on the coffee table sat quietly for several weeks and read Ivanhoe? I sure as hell don’t.

Brian is working on earning his Bachelor Living merit badge. I’d make fun of that, but this is great preparation for Benji Gregory’s life without a steady paycheck.

ALF tells him that the dinner he’s making sucks balls, then he does a conga with broccoli and throws vegetables around the room. You know, like everyone well-versed in world literature is wont to do.

Next it’s his turn to piss off Lynn. He does so by sleeping instead of exercising with her, or something. Dr. Dykstra, take me away.

I find it interesting that in each case ALF is meant to be bothering the family member, but he actually helped Willie. It would have been better if he got hair inside the ham radio or something, so that even if he installed the Aussie-to-English translator he’d still leave Willie with a reason to be upset. As it stands ALF just helped him do something he was already having trouble doing himself, so why does that make Willie angry? Think of all the extra time this leaves him with to not help his wife raise any of his kids.

I do have to admit I like the little vignettes of ALF interacting one on one with each of the family members in turn. I mean, they’re shitty vignettes, yeah, but it’s an interesting impulse and it helps a show that’s four years old find a little bit of freshness in its approach.

Then ALF goes…

…back to the shed? That’s odd. We already had the Willie scene out here.

I mean, okay, this set does make sense for both scenes. Willie’s ham radio is in there, and Kate is refinishing a bureau which is a valid thing to do in the shed. Fine.

But it’s odd that we’re here with just Willie, leave for a bit, and then come back to see just Kate. Why not have her do this in the driveway or something instead, for the sake of giving us a fourth location? That would help the “isolated adventures with each member of the family” thing land a bit more strongly.

And speaking of which, since Kate is in the shed, why isn’t Willie helping her do this? He’s just had his entire afternoon freed up thanks to ALF re-kafoobling the energy-mo-tron, or whatever. Can’t he help his wife do anything? Ever? Did he leave her to lug the fucking bureau out here by herself, even though he was going out to the shed anyway?

This fuckin’ guy, people.

ALF tells her that the thing she’s doing is really fucking boring, even compared to all the fucking boring fucking things her fucking boring family fucking does.

She tells him not to touch the bureau, so he does and then she has to rip his hand off of it. She apologizes to him even though he just fucked up her entire project by doing what he was specifically asked not to do. He complains that he doesn’t have a middle finger.

DR. DYKSTRA WHERE R U

Oh. There…you are. I guess?

It’s a really odd moment. There’s no transition at all. ALF leaves the shed, then the family is making dinner in the kitchen and Dr. Dykstra walks in. Willie asks, “What’s your professional opinion?” And that’s it.

No introduction. No scene of Willie deciding to call his old friend the psychologist. Just Dr. Dykstra strolling into the room as though he lives in the broom closet and struts into and out of the Tanners’ lives as necessary.

At least he’s immediately funny, though. He tells Willie, “He’s bored.”

Willie asks if there isn’t some deeper, underlying psychological reason.

Dr. Dykstra, straight-faced, replies, “Maybe boredom.”

A moment like that goes a long way toward showing what a real comic talent can do with mediocre material. The “boredom” bit isn’t inherently funnier than most ALF dialogue, but it works because of the performance. Dailey knows how to deliver a line in a way that Max Wright — who could easily have had the exact same exchange with Kate in a Dykstra-free episode — doesn’t. In other words, Dailey knows how to make material work, even when the material doesn’t necessarily deserve it. He’s willing to do the heavy lifting as an actor, rather than settle for reading the lines he’s paid to read and then go home.

This is why I love having him around. Even if his previous episodes had been crap, he’d still be able to make his lines work, at least. And that would unquestionably have been worth watching.

Dr. Dykstra then explains to the Tanners that ALF is an adult, something that the family (and viewers) would be forgiven for forgetting. Plying ALF with video tapes and games and toys will only keep him occupied for so long, as he needs to be engaged with as an adult and not as a child or a pet.

That’s a valid observation, but I’m waiting to hear what he has to say about the fact that it’s been four weeks since the Tanners last acknowledged their third child.

I was a bit worried this would be Dr. Dykstra’s only scene, setting up the second half of the episode in which the family tries to treat ALF like an adult With Hilarious Consequences, but, fortunately, he’s hanging around for dinner at least.

Man, nobody can rock a hot pink sweater like Bill Dailey. All you fuckers better respect.

Kate serves everyone and Dr. Dykstra says, “Thank you, Kate.” I fall out of my chair at hearing these words for the first time in 81 episodes. All it takes is one guy acting like a human being to make you remember what a bunch of self-absorbed, shitty assholes the Tanners are.

Dr. Dykstra initiates conversation with Willie, asking about work. Willie falters desperately because this is an area of his character’s life that’s never been developed at all, but eventually he decides to spin some bullshit story about a colleague who is “competitive.”

By this Willie means that the guys wants raises and promotions ahead of Willie, which sounds fine to me. Working hard while Willie Cuntin’ Tanner gets raise after raise and promotion after promotion for doing nothing sounds like a living nightmare; no wonder this guy has it out for him.

In fact, I’m sure the writers aren’t aware of how significantly Willie undercuts his own argument, but he actually says that this guy is taking on a bigger case-load than he is. So he really does do more work than Willie, and is therefore bettering the lives of more clients. You know…the kind of thing social workers are supposed to do instead of bitching endlessly about competitive coworkers.

THIS FUCKIN’ GUY

Anyway, after Willie’s done pissing and moaning, he turns and asks ALF for his opinion.

ALF, in a great visual moment, is stunned by being asked to contribute to the conversation. It’s really well acted, actually, with some very effective puppeteering from Paul Fusco. I like it.

Willie explains that he values ALF’s judgment, to which ALF replies, “You what my what?” It plays better in speech than it does in text, but, trust me, it’s pretty funny.

ALF shares his opinion. He says that if Willie feels like he needs to compete, he should compete with himself. Which, yeah, makes sense to me. Willie’s a carping little oily dickbag; if he feels threatened by someone at work, he should focus on doing a better job himself. Dr. Dykstra agrees with ALF, too, confirming that I’m not yet totally insane.

Dr. Dykstra then draws Kate into the conversation. She says that she feels bad while she’s at work, because she’s neglecting Eric. Somehow she says this without anyone picking up on the irony that Eric has been neglected throughout this entire episode, this very scene included, even though she’s been home the whole time.

She’s worried about returning to work, and again ALF is asked for his opinion. He says that she went back to work after having Lynn, and Lynn turned out fine, so there’s nothing to worry about. (For good reason, her lack of similar success with Brian goes unspoken.) Dr. Dykstra agrees with him again, and ALF creams everywhere. To be fair, I would cream, too, if Bill Dailey acknowledged something I said.

Brian has a problem, too: he doesn’t like math. ALF dismisses this because he’s not even a real boy. Lynn’s problem is that she’s been dating Danny Duckworth for over a year (more continuity! Poor Randy!), but she still gets jealous when he fingers other girls, and cums in their mouths. ALF gives advice to her that is somehow not “Dump his sorry ass,” and then he says that he’s found his calling: he’s going to become a psychologist.

Bill Dailey silently prays that this doesn’t become a two-parter.

The next day ALF reads a psychology book and spews a bunch of disconnected mumbo-jumbo at the family and that eats up a bunch of time.

It kind of sucks, actually.

The whole “treat ALF like an adult” plot was a good idea, and it seemed to be on an interesting course — what with the family actually talking to each other and all — but right before the commercial break ALF declares he’s totally a psychologist now, and then that’s what we do for the rest of the episode.

It’s a big disappointment, and a complete derailment of the show’s momentum. It’s like two halves of different episodes were stapled together with no regard paid to whether or not they actually fit, and that’s a particular shame right now because the episode was just getting good.

We took some mediocre ALF-is-annoying crap, and eventually found an interesting way of dealing with it. As soon as that gets going, though, we flip the table and start a whole new, less satisfying story. What a gyp.

I think the writers were aware of it, too.

If the DVD chapters are anything to go by, ALF episodes are structured like this: a brief opening scene / the intro credits, act one, act two, brief closing scene / closing credits. The commercial breaks fall at my commas. Act one and act two in most episodes are of about equal length, which you’d probably expect for broadcast purposes. But in this episode act one is about 12 minutes long, and act two — with all the ALF-is-a-psychologist-now nonsense — is about 5. They knew, I’m sure, that act two was much less interesting, and so they wrote a few pages of psychological bullshit for ALF to say and called it a day.

Which is fine; I agree with them that act two sucks a fat one. But then why not write a different act two? Why not end My Dinner With Dykstra some other way? Or keep Dr. Dykstra around for the rest of the episode to gradually lose his cool and bludgeon ALF to death with a lobster mallet?

Instead the whole second act is forced and condensed. Even Willie flips out on ALF too quickly; he does it because the episode needs to end soon, and not because ALF has said or done anything especially annoying to push him over the edge. He just tells ALF to go fuck himself because it’s time to tell ALF to go fuck himself. By normal ALF standards this is expected — if still disappointing — but by the standards set by the previous Dr. Dykstra episodes, this lack of care is downright insulting. It would be like getting a third Jodie episode in which she and ALF have a 30-minute long flatulence competition.

Or I guess 15-minutes long, with Jodie disappearing and the episode turning into one about ALF eating Willie’s prized collection of celebrity pubes.

Oh, wait. Dr. Dykstra is back.

Okay. I guess he popped out of the broom closet one more time for a snack and got roped back into this shit.

Willie tells him ALF has gotten carried away, to which Dr. Dykstra rightly responds, “You know ALF gets carried away with everything he does. What motivated you to let it go this far?” Willie, extraordinary social worker than he is, tells Dr. Dykstra to eat his ass with this psychology bullshit and just go fix whatever the fuck needs to be fixed so ALF will shut up.

This. Fucking. Guy.

Dr. Dykstra, to the discredit of mental health professionals everywhere, does not jam a fork in Willie’s eye and go home.

At dinner ALF pulls his psychological horseshit out and turns to Dr. Dykstra for support. Dr. Dykstra tells him his psychology game is pretty wack. They bicker for a bit before Dr. Dykstra says, “I think this is just another temporary obsession to draw attention to yourself,” which is the verbal equivalent of neutering ALF with a lemon zester.

ALF realizes that he’s probably been making the family feel bad, just as Dr. Dykstra just made him feel bad, so he’ll stop forever since the episode is over.

Okay, I guess.

But Dr. Dykstra was present for ALF’s announcement that he was becoming a psychologist. So…what did he say to that? “Okay”? “Good luck”? “Sounds rad”?

Sure, I understand why he told Willie that he needs to control his fucking space alien, and that’s a valuable lesson that the family ignores because of course they do, but what kind of response did he have at the moment ALF declared his intentions? Within the universe of the show? We saw a commercial, but did Dr. Dykstra just vanish from existence until the script needed him again? He must have said something. And it must have been something that at least passively allowed ALF to continue in his delusion.

Now, though, we find out (understandably) that he doesn’t support ALF’s decision. So…what the fuck actually happened?

It’s also, structurally speaking, pretty odd that they need to call the guy in to fix something that broke while he was already there, but whatever. Who cares. This shit is over, and I need to get over it, too.

In the short scene before the credits, Willie and Kate make dinner for the fifth fucking time this episode. They hear ALF on a radio call-in show talking about family law, and then run off to punch him in the scrotum.

Kind of a disappointing send-off for Dr. Dykstra, but he was still the best thing about the episode so it doesn’t exactly reflect poorly on him. I think when even the reliable Dr. Dykstra ends up stranded in a shitty episode, we can pretty clearly see how little the writers were trying by season four. In his previous appearances, it was an excuse to up their game. Here, it’s an excuse to coast.

And while Bill Dailey did perfectly fine work, it’s a shame that the writing behind him was nowhere near as good.

It’s also a shame that there’s a bit toward the end when the family all agree that Dr. Dykstra is really annoying, which is such an unnecessary (and massively untrue) fuck-you to one of the only good characters the show’s ever had, but my feelings on that can only be expressed by a jet of blood spat directly at my computer screen so I’ll just call these guys assholes and feel good on Bill Dailey’s behalf that he’s completely done with this dumbass show…even if the door did hit him on the way out.

Countdown to Jim J. Bullock existing: 2 episodes
Countdown to ALF being violently lobotomized in front of the Tanners: 19 episodes

MELMAC FACTS: To earn a Bachelor Living badge on Melmac, you had one week to build a singles bar in the woods using only twigs and bark. Bakeries on Melmac were called Health Clubs, and ALF’s once voted him Bod of the Month. ALF used to practice yoga on Melmac and his mantra was so long and ridiculous I’m not typing it.

Every so often ALF gives us an episode so hollow, so pointless, so extraordinarily empty that I struggle to write about it. As a guy that never shuts the fuck up, that’s noteworthy. “Baby Love” last season was one of those episodes. It was there. I watched it. I eventually wrote about it. But ask me about it today and I won’t be able to tell you a thing.

“We’re in the Money” is like that. It’s a whole lot of nothin’. Which sucks, sure, but I also see no evidence in the episode that anyone was trying to make it worth watching, so I can’t exactly say they failed. I think the writers and actors all realized this was some bland piece of forgettable filler and didn’t even bother to half-ass it. I sure can’t blame them.

We open the episode with Willie solemnly masturbating to ASCII pornography. I can’t speak for you guys, but when I tune into a show and the first thing I see is an old man pecking slowly at a keyboard I know I’m in for one hell of a ride.

ALF comes in and asks Willie if he can use the computer, but Willie says he’s busy; he joined the new computer shopping service and is ordering something for Kate’s birthday. Firstly, I think this means that Lynn is the only Tanner we haven’t celebrated a birthday for on-screen. If we did, I don’t remember it, so maybe it was in “Baby Love.”

Secondly, though, what an interesting time capsule this conversation is. Nowadays we’d just call it the internet, but I guess back when this episode aired you really did need to connect to some dedicated service and have a fairly deep understanding of navigation protocol from there. I remember — barely — the early days of the internet, with newsgroups and text-only chat rooms, and it’s fascinating to see it again. Willie gushes about how exciting online shopping is, but look at the screen. It’s a far cry from visiting Amazon or eBay today, but it was exciting at the time…and I definitely buy Willie as an early adopter.

Speaking of Amazon, even my first purchase from them — long after dedicated computer shopping servers, or whatever — feels like a relic of a forgotten time. See, I heard about Amazon through word of mouth. Someone told me you could get any book from them, and, sure enough, I found what I wanted: a hardcover copy of Catch-22. I’d read it a few times, but I only had the paperback, so this was exciting to me. More exciting was how I ordered it: I dialed their 800 number, gave them the ISBN that I’d copied down (I had to log out of the internet to place the call, of course), and then read my banking information from a voided check.

And that was 1999 or so! It’s very easy to lose track of just how much the internet has changed and improved over such a short period of time. Back then the web was a very different place; you couldn’t even find reviews of puppet shows that some really pathetic man wrote in his underwear between sobbing fits.

Anyway, ALF makes fun of Willie for shopping online instead of going outside, meaning that “internet nerd” jokes have existed exactly as long as the internet has. But, hey, come to think of it, isn’t it kind of hypocritical? ALF was just begging to use the computer himself.

GUYS I THINK I FOUND AN INCONSISTENCY IN ALF

Kate comes in and takes Willie away to deal with some other bullshit, so ALF hops on the computer and ends up at an investor’s network, because that’s the kind of thing that happened on the early internet when you just brainlessly mashed keys with your alien paws.

And we’re off. I sure hope that the entire episode consists of ALF reporting to us the things he sees on a computer screen. (I’m not even kidding. It’d make my top 10 by default.)

After the credits, Willie shows Brian and Lynn the shoes he bought for Kate through the digital computer shopping service cyber commerce gateway, version 2.1. We’re also reminded (visually) that Eric is not yet dead.

It’s fine that Eric is here, but it’s odd that nobody mentions him or says anything to him. He just sits on Lynn’s lap, and nobody acknowledges he’s there, even in a token way. I’m guessing they wrote this scene without him, and decided to cram him in at the last minute without changing any of the dialogue.

It makes it odd, like everyone’s playing some kind of cruel game in which they ignore the baby. In a moment Kate comes home and she goes and looks at Eric in his playpen…but that’s it. She just looks at him for a few seconds, then turns away. What kind of mother comes home and stares silently at her newborn, then ignores it for the rest of the night? She doesn’t pick it up or coo at it or say, “Mommy’s home!” or anything. It’s…really odd.

Kate comes in and nobody helps her with the groceries, which they try to play off as a joke but, let’s face it, that’s every night in this fucking house. If they wouldn’t help her while she was eight months pregnant they’re not going to help her now.

Instead of assisting his wife in any way — even after she asks for his help — Willie asks her about a letter that came in the mail, confirming his recent stock purchases. I’m glad I don’t get letters in the mail confirming the shit I do online. My mailman would never make eye contact again.

Neither of them know who bought the stocks, so I guess ALF is in trouble. But, come on now. When the episode opened, ALF asked if he could use the computer. Willie said no, because he himself was using the computer. Then Willie got up and left, leaving the computer on, and ALF used the computer. So why exactly is ALF in trouble?

Yeah, he bought stocks, but you knew he was going to use the fucking thing. If you didn’t want him to get up to his weekly shenanigans why not turn the computer off? Or make him leave the shed with you? Or log out of your account? Or stab him 37 times with a corkscrew until you no longer hear his cries?

I’m blaming fuckass Willie for this one.

Willie goes out to the shed to shake his scrotum angrily at ALF, who explains that he thought he was playing a game and had no idea he was investing real money.

And, you know what?

Good on you, ALF. This is definitely Willie’s problem. I’m holding you blameless, because you’re a massive fucking idiot and nobody in this family seems to have realized this yet. You’ve lived here for four God-damned years and royally fucked up everything you’ve touched, but they still leave you unsupervised and act surprised when you get up to the same antics you always get up to. At some point the responsibility is on them to cut off your fingers and chain you to a wall. And until they do that, they get no sympathy from me.

ALF explains to Willie that he may not have known what he was doing, but they’re $5,000 ahead, and that’s good news. Willie replies, “But you could have lost everything, ALF!”

Again though…as much as I fucking hate fucking ALF, this isn’t his fault. He told you he was going to use the computer. Because he’s in a sitcom he logged into Willie’s stock portfolio when he was trying to boot up Donkey Kong. And he played what he thought was a game. Now he knows it wasn’t a game, but Willie didn’t lose anything. In fact he’s got $5,000 he didn’t have before the mistake.

And Willie kicks the good news right back in ALF’s snout. What an asshole. Willie needs to give himself a lecture here, not the space alien.

ALF then tries to convince Willie to let him keep playing the stocks, and Willie tells him to a suck a dick and takes the keyboard away with him.

And that is fine.

I can understand Willie getting mad at ALF’s request to keep fucking around with Willie’s stocks…that makes sense. So why didn’t the scene open with that? With ALF suggesting right off that he continue investing on Willie’s behalf? That would have made a lot more sense than Willie flipping out over something ALF didn’t even know he was doing.

The next morning Brian asks for French toast and sausage, but Kate already made oatmeal, so he pisses and moans about it.

I’ve got news for you, kid: this is the only acting gig you’re ever going to have. Enjoy the free food while you can.

Then ALF comes in and apologizes for being such a grump since Willie made him stop investing. “Oh, but, Willie, also, suck my hairy Melmacian dick.”

See, ALF has still been investing money…in theory. He’s been doing it on paper, and the investments he would have made would have netted the Tanners a profit of $11,000 so far. He gives Willie a piece of adding machine tape to prove, I guess, that he was able to add numbers that totaled $11,000.

This gets everyone very wet, so Willie asks ALF about his investing strategy. He replies that he selects companies whose initials spell out the names of Melmacian holidays. You might think this builds to some kind of joke about Melmacian holidays, but it doesn’t, because we’re only in episode four and already the writers can’t wait for the show to be cancelled.

ALF’s investing strategy reminds me of an episode of some show in which somebody kept choosing the winning sports team based on which animal would win in a fight. Was it Perfect Strangers? I honestly can’t remember, but it’s the kind of logic that only works in sitcoms.

Later that night, Willie and Kate are in bed, having passionate, incredible sex.

Just kidding! They’re lying quietly next to each other and wishing a jet engine would fall through the ceiling and kill them.

Willie tries to talk to her about what happened at breakfast, and she immediately says, “You want ALF to invest our money, don’t you? Because that is about the stupidest thing that I can think of at the moment.”

And son of a motherfuck do I love having Anne Schedeen back. The real Anne Schedeen, who acts and stuff. This show would be so much more enjoyable to me if each episode was 22 minutes of her telling ALF and Willie to pull their heads out of their asses.

While I’m entirely on her side in this argument, I do have to tip my hat to Willie for suggesting that ALF might be an “alien savant.” That’s pretty funny, actually.

Kate tells Willie to do whatever the hell he wants, because her soul withered and died way back on their honeymoon. Willie, for the first time since college, achieves erection. He runs off to give ALF the good news, but ALF was listening outside the door, hoping to hear them fuck.

I’ve had people comment here and on Facebook that I’m being pretty hard on a show that was obviously aimed at kids. And I have to apologize. I have no idea how I missed the fact that a show about a violent pedophile voyeuristic rapist was designed for children.

In the shed Willie and ALF invest money. It’s riveting.

At one point ALF announces that they’re $20,000 up, and Willie does that thing where you pump your arms and thrust your crotch forward. Fortunately for you he did it quickly enough that I couldn’t get a clear screengrab. (Even by this blog’s low, low standards.)

You owe Max Wright for that.

They argue for a while about what to invest in. That eats several full minutes, and nothing happens except that Willie lets ALF invest in a latrine chemical company. Hooray.

Man, who could have predicted that an episode about two characters staring blankly at a computer screen would be dull?

At Kate’s birthday dinner ALF bitches about having to be away from the computer. What a nerd! Can you imagine being such a pathetic creature that you fill all of your free time tapping away at a keyboard?

…

:(

Anyway, Willie returned the shitty shoes he bought Kate in favor of a “hand-etched” crystal vase from France.

He says, “It’s really heavy,” but he says it after she’s already holding it. So either he delivered his line late and it was supposed to be a warning, or he’s passive aggressively bitching about shipping charges. I can’t tell.

Anne Schedeen beams believably, and I have to admit she has an incredible smile. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it before on this show, and I think she’s only managing it now because she’s within spitting distance of never having to appear in this horse shit show again.

They kiss and ALF says, “There’s an alien present!” Kate replies, “You’ve seen us kiss before,” which is an understatement if I’ve ever heard one. But he holds up a gift and says that there’s “an alien present.”

Which is…yeah, okay. It’s decent enough wordplay.

…but then he explains, “That means open the present from the alien.” ALF knows full well that anyone still watching this show in season four has severe brain damage and can’t be expected to…you know. Get jokes.

ALF got her a diamond bracelet or something, and to prove the diamonds are real he scratches the shit out of Willie’s crystal vase. Everyone just accepts this.

What Willie doesn’t accept is ALF spending so much money on a gift. He flips out during his wife’s birthday celebration, intent on making sure she never has a moment of lasting joy in her life.

He’s pissed at ALF for digging into the $20,000, and ALF reveals that it’s only $10,000 now.

Willie shits his pants and tells ALF to sell all the stocks immediately, and I look forward to the second half of the episode in which we watch ALF slowly do that in real time.

He does let ALF keep $2,500 to invest as he sees fit, which is nice of him, and I’m glad he cares about not hurting the alien’s feelings while his wife sits there crying on her birthday.

Later that night, ALF breaks into a cold sweat when accesses the Deep Web and immediately hears distant sirens.

Brian comes in and ALF begs him for money. When Brian doesn’t give him any, ALF throttles him repeatedly.

Kate walks in on a violent space monster physically assaulting her son and quietly ushers the kid out of the room. Work long enough for Paul Fusco and you just get used to it, I guess.

Then ALF gropes the coffee maker.

This episode sucks.

Willie lectures him about how thirst for money can make people lose sight of their ethics and do terrible things. ALF replies, “That explains Ghostbusters II!” which might be a decent line on a show that was actually better than Ghostbusters II.

Ghostbusters II wasn’t that bad. I mean, yeah, it was nowhere near as good as the original, but it had some funny moments, and on its own merits it’s a decent watch. God knows I’d put that on any day over ALF.

It’s an especially unfair shot at that franchise considering that ALF was no stranger to low-quality cash grabbing itself, from spinoffs to comic books to Burger King kids’ meals. Paul Fusco would squeeze every ounce of life out of this character if it meant one more penny in his paycheck…but let’s make fun of Ghostbusters II. Clearly those talentless hacks Bill Murray, Harold Ramis, Dan Aykroyd, and Ivan Reitman deserve it.

Then the episode is over.

Huh.

Well, at least that felt quick. It was no shorter than usual, but I guess when nothing happens it just glides on by.

In the short scene before the credits, Willie makes a list of all the money ALF lost him over the years, and while reading it ALF gets hysterical over his own antics.

It’s…a pretty funny idea actually; I just wish it came at the end of a better episode. And it might have been nice if we got more than just a few of the line items read out to us, because any attempt at continuity is welcome.

For the record, we hear the following items on Willie’s list: crashing the space ship into the garage (“A.L.F.”), the first kitchen fire (“On the Road Again”), and bail money (“Pennsylvania 6-500”). We also hear about the scratched vase from this episode, and a broken camera which I don’t think is from any particular episode.

Some more nods to previous episodes would have been nice, but that also would have forced me to watch the episode for a few more seconds, so…swings and roundabouts.

Anyway, that’s all, folks. “We’re in the Money” sure was forgettable.

I expect a lot of crappy episodes in this final stretch…here’s hoping it’s not too much to ask that they at least be interesting.

Countdown to Jim J. Bullock existing: 3 episodes
Countdown to ALF being garroted in front of the Tanners: 20 episodes

MELMAC FACTS: Blec was “an important holiday” on Melmac. How did they celebrate? What did the holiday represent? What is the closest corollary we have on Earth? None of these questions are answered because the writers wanted to be done with this shit even more than I do.

Never, ever can there be two good episodes of this shit in a row. Really, it’s getting annoying. Am I really asking for too much? I’m not even demanding more of them. However many good episode this show produced, that’s fine. Just once, though, I’d like to see them back to back. I’d like to get some welcome sense — however false — that the show is finding its footing. I’d love it if the show just seemed good for long enough for me to become delusional.

But, no. Once again, an enjoyable, funny episode with good ideas is followed by a lump of steaming horse crap. I shouldn’t be surprised by this point, and I’m not, but Jesus Christ I wish we could buck the pattern just once.

“Wanted: Dead or Alive” opens with ALF walking in on Lynn watching something. Judging by her face I assume it’s A Serbian Film.

I figured it was just Andrea Elson staring dead-eyed because the script didn’t tell her to do anything else, but from the context she is watching something affecting. What is it? I don’t know. I think it’s a real film, but I was unable to figure out the details. Apparently it stars Shelley Winters and ends with her singing about corn. Any idea what movie this is? Winters has a vast enough filmography that I can’t narrow it down based on that, but I’m sure it’s something I’ve never seen.

We hear cow noises or something, and then ALF spoils the ending for Lynn: the guy gets “gang-hoofed” by the cows, which is the rape joke I’m sure you were hoping you’d expose your kids to when you tuned in to watch a puppet show.

He spoiled the movie because he wants to watch Crime Stoppers, but Lynn tells him to fuck off. So he tells her to fuck off even harder, and she does, because the show is named after him, so she knows it’s pointless to argue.

So, there. “Wanted: Dead or Alive” begins with the show’s most obnoxious character shoving the show’s most likable and relatable character around just for the sake of it. This is going to be great!

ALF switches over to Crime Stoppers just in time to see Anderson Cooper talking about that week’s uncaught criminal. ALF delivers a zippy one liner about televangelists (he’s doesn’t care whose toes he steps on!), and…

…wait a minute. Isn’t that…

That’s Paul Fusco! ALF’s puppeteer appears on camera for the first time in this show! That’s a pretty significant occurrence. Sorry it took me a moment to realize who it was. Somehow I overlooked it, and…

…wait. Why is the picture so much sharper now? Did they just not bother to focus the camera the first time? My local access high school news show was more professional than this.

It really does seem that way. We see Fusco hosting the show in Beer-Goggle-Vision, then cut to ALF for a quick line, and when we see the TV again the show is actually in focus. That proves that they knew it was out of focus to begin with. Does nobody on this show do second takes? Jesus Christ.

Evidently the criminal is some guy who marries old ladies and steals all their money, but something goes wrong with the footage and instead of showing us the guy in question we instead see those pictures of Max Wright that The National Enquirer took this year.

Pretty nice Easter egg, ALF, telling a joke that wouldn’t pay off until 2015! I’m impressed.

ALF shits himself because that’s Willie, obviously. Personally I’d have assumed it was Andy Warhol. Yes, that guy died two years before this episode aired, but I’d be more likely to believe his zombified remains are robbing people than that more than one woman got suckered into marrying Willie.

So, that’s our setup for the week; Willie’s seen a million grandmas, and he’s rocked them all.

Or, rather, Willie looks like a criminal. There’s nothing wrong with that — It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia did more or less the same plot a few years ago, and that’s a much smarter show — and “Wanted: Dead or Alive” does at least try to make it interesting…but damn, trust me before we sink any deeper, this episode is pretty shit.

After the credits we see that the Ochmoneks are watching the same broadcast, and drawing the same conclusion. And hey, Mr. O! God, it feels like ages since we’ve seen him. Welcome back, John LaMotta. You are a sight for sore eyes.

This seems to be a different living room set than we last saw, but it’s possible they’re in the den or something. And I’m not complaining — continuity be damned — because the set design here is lovely. It’s perfectly in keeping with who I imagine the Ochmoneks are, and what their furnishings would look like. The TV dinners (with foil!) and TV trays while they watch…uh…TV are perfectly chosen details as well.

Sadly, the background detail here is the best thing about the episode.

The Crime Stoppers host mentions that there’s a $10,000 reward, so Mr. Ochmonek suggests — possibly in jest, though it’s nicely loaded — turning Willie in. Then they talk for a bit about how likely or not likely it is that Willie is the gigolo, and as much as I usually like the Ochmoneks it gets kind of annoying.

Mrs. Ochmonek ends up feeling rejected because Willie’s never tried to seduce her or whatever, and I swear to Christ that’s the last direction I ever wanted them to take her character. She could be revealed as a connoisseur of bestiality porn and I’d find that less revolting than the idea that she gets moist over Willie.

They fight for a bit about how Mr. Ochomenk isn’t romantic enough for her. Lady, I’ve watched 80 episodes of this shit. I’ve seen both husbands in action. Trust me, compared to Willie you married fucking Ryan Gosling.

I really don’t like the backpeddling on the Ochmoneks’ relationship — which is normally shown to be loving and romantic — but at least it’s happening in a shitty episode. That’ll make it a little easier to ignore.

ALF watches more of the show and wonders what he’ll do if Willie really is the perp. Would he turn him in, or hide him? I thought this would lead to a nice little reflection of the show’s premise; Willie, after all, was faced with the same issue way back in episode one. At any point he could have turned ALF in, but he kept hiding him, no matter how many times ALF set the house on fire or touched the baby’s butthole.

ALF realizing that he owes some kind of loyalty to Willie — who may be a criminal — could make for some pretty cool inner conflict…especially if the net result is that ALF concludes that Willie is a criminal and he should turn him in, but can’t because then he’d have nowhere to live. The ethical crisis then becomes one of survival.

But, no, that would be interesting, so Brian comes in and makes some joke about ALF getting high on catnip. So there’s the drug abuse joke I’m sure you were hoping you’d expose your kids to when you tuned in to watch a puppet show.

In the episode’s defense, we do get a little bit of this later on, but it still feels kind of tossed off in a strange way. For such an important kind of conflict it gets glossed over completely, until the end of the episode when we see only the barest sketches of it. As usual, this one is a few rewrites away from being a good episode, and that’s a shame because the episode does eventually stumble over what makes it interesting. Unfortunately, by that point there’s only one more page left in the script, and fucked if we’re starting over.

Anyway, ALF freaks Brian out when he presses him for details of Willie’s life. Then Lynn comes in and Brian, bitch face cranked to 11, says, “Lynn’s here. Can I go now?” Even this kid knows his role is eclipsed the moment literally anybody else steps onto the set.

ALF starts asking Lynn similar questions about Willie, and for someone who was so upset at him just a few moments ago she certainly seems to have a lot of patience and good humor right now. I’m assuming that’s because these scenes were shot on different days and nobody paid any attention to where they’d fit into the finished episode. Great work all around.

She listens to his questions and then dismisses them casually. “Why didn’t I go away to college?” she asks with a laugh.

Hey, Lynn, I’ll tell you why: because of ALF. Because of this hateful fuck-troll that keeps pissing on your dreams followed by you forgiving it immediately. And here you are, lightly chuckling about how fucked your life is. Tee hee hee!

You’re so close to being human, Lynn. Finish your evolution by murdering this thing with a garlic press.

Ugh, whatever. Later on ALF creeps up to Willie while he’s sleeping on the couch, and I assure you I have many times awoken from this precise nightmare.

Willie wakes up and ALF puts a wig on him and fuck this show.

The idea is that ALF is trying to disguise Willie so he won’t get caught, I guess? I don’t fucking know. I guess this means he concluded Willie really is the crook, and, honestly, this show is nowhere near smart enough to pull it off, but that could be a neat way of exploiting ALF‘s ropey characterization.

We’re in season four — the final season — and still don’t know who Willie is. Is he distant or loving? Is he a good husband or someone who ignores his pregnant wife’s cries for help? Is he a good social worker, like we keep hearing, or a violent imbecile, like we keep seeing? Is he an asshole or a saint? A loner or a friend? Does he hate his life or love the people that surround him?

We don’t know any of this for sure; one week we might get a definite answer, but then that gets overturned the next week. Nothing sticks. Willie’s character could be described as “pliant” if we want to be generous, but more accurately he’s a mess of unconnected and scrambled traits that have yet to intersect. Willie is a bunch of things, and he’s nothing at all.

I’m not saying that the show could (or should) pull off the idea that Willie really is the black widower, but the fact that we know so little definitive about him means that that could be our inroad into suspicion. Like Hitchcock’s (uh…) Suspicion, ALF could take the very few things we know about Willie and leave us to assume the worst about the rest. It could be a fun — and admirable — way to address the massive black hole that occupies a central role in this show…the one we’re supposed to call Willie.

But instead ALF gives Willie some Groucho glasses and a pair of pointy ears, and tries to get him to take a cruise to the Bahamas. Who cares. I have no idea what the logic of any of this is.

Willie tells him to eat a bag of dicks and goes to bed. Why he wasn’t sleeping in there in the first place, I have no idea. This episode thought so little about itself that it’s no wonder it didn’t end up thinking about ALF as a whole.

Then the phone rings, and ALF tells the caller that Willie moved to the Bahamas. It’s kind of dumb, until we find out that the caller was Mr. Ochmonek.

This…I kind of like. Both halves of the story dovetail nicely. ALF is trying to protect Willie, but in doing so he makes Mr. Ochmonek even more suspicious. Mr. O now not only saw a resemblance between Willie and the criminal, but he thinks Willie is disguising his voice and pretending to have left the country.

It makes sense that this would tip them into drawing a definite conclusion about Willie’s guilt, but before anything happens we have to listen to Mr. and Mrs. Ochmonek argue for a while over whether or not to turn Willie in. I guess that’s what they do to fill their lives after the tragic death of their teenage nephew.

Mr. Ochmonek ultimately calls Crime Stoppers and tries to collect the reward. And while that’s an asshole thing to do, I’m fine with it. On the one hand, I think his “tip” on the case is strong enough at this point to warrant a phone call. Sure, any “evidence” here could be (indeed is) circumstantial, but it’s not up to Mr. Fucking Ochmonek to solve crimes. He’s just reporting what he knows, which is what Crime Stoppers asked its audience to do.

And, hey, if this guy is dangerous and defrauding innocent people, this could just be Mr. O’s way of doing his civic duty. Maybe I’m stretching that last one a bit, since I don’t believe a word of it myself, but, honestly, at this point Mr. Ochmonek could walk over to the Tanner house with a nailgun and fire it directly through Willie’s skull and I’d still like the guy. (I’d like him even more, truth be told.)

One the thing I really find interesting is that, so far, the plot of this episode has unfolded without any influence from ALF. The Ochmoneks watched the show, the Ochmoneks drew their conclusion, and the Ochmoneks called the hotline. Yes, ALF saying Willie moved to the Bahamas helped the decision along, but it was leaning that way anyway. For once, ALF doesn’t seem like he’s causing the plot to spiral out of control.

He’s just a presence, and not a catalyst.

I like that, because I fucking hate ALF.

It’s also nice because it means other characters get to actually do something, but mainly I just fucking hate ALF.

The FBI comes to the door, which I guess is this show’s equivalent of a living room jam session with the Beach Boys. Seriously, this happens all the time. How often, exactly, is the government going to raid these assholes’ house? Did nobody on the writing staff ever say, “Maybe there’s a different way to advance this plot”?

It also bothers me that none of the government agents are ever seen twice. When you have the same character type show up 55 times over the course of your show’s run, how could you not think to make him a recurring character? It’s so odd. It would be like a milkman making deliveries in each episode, but it’s always a different milkman. Instead of “here’s two more FBI guys we’ll never see again,” why don’t we get regular appearances from Agent Doe and Agent Cardholder? You’re already using them constantly; cast them and make them characters.

My Doe and Cardholder reference there comes from The Venture Bros. I didn’t intend to explain that, but the more I think about it, the more I realize they’re a genuinely instructive example. In The Venture Bros., everybody is a character. Every line suggests a human being delivering it, rather than an actor reading from a script. Sure, sometimes the content of the line is no more than, “Hey, look at this!” But the delivery, the voice, the tone, the outfit, the expression on the character’s face…all of that adds up to at least a suggestion of a real character there. Even background characters who don’t get any lines are given so much personality through how they dress and how they move that they’re memorable.

Compare that to ALF, which doesn’t seem to have any interest in building character at all. In ALF‘s mind, everyone is disposable apart from the main character. So of course the FBI guys aren’t characters. The Tanners, who appear every week, aren’t even characters. In fact, they’re the very definition of disposable, as the cliffhanger at the end of the season reveals. If the planned season five really were to take place at the Alien Task Force base, we’d never see these people we spent four years with again. And, what’s more, the show would be no poorer for it. ALF should be embarrassed by that fact.

Speaking of characters, the disposable FBI guy on the left is played by David Alan Grier, who would move on to much better things the next year with In Living Color. I remember him being very funny there; one of the strongest talents on a show that had more talent than it gets credit for. In Living Color never achieved the cultural significance of Saturday Night Live, nor is it one of those sorely-missed sketch comedy underdogs like The State or Mr. Show, but I’ll go to bat for it. In my memory at least it was a pretty great show for its time.

The guys arrest Willie, which is the way each of these Beach Boy jam sessions must end. Man, Max Wright sure got arrested a lot on this show. I’m glad it’s a only work of fiction with no relation to reality.

The FBI guys hustle Willie into a room full of Max Wright clones, and I assure you I have many times awoken from this precise nightmare.

This might have been a fine enough sight gag on its own, but then Willie steps in gum and I guess that’s the punchline instead. I don’t know. What does stepping in gum have to do with anything? You took the time to build a whole new set and hire a bunch of people who vaguely look like Max Wright, and it’s all in aid of having him step in gum…which he could have done anywhere?

Who fucking knows anymore.

Back at the house ALF hides in a box like he did in “We’re So Sorry, Uncle Albert,” only instead of Lynn coming outside to comfort him Kate comes outside to rip his nipples off.

ALF explains to Kate that he didn’t turn Willie in, which is true, and that’s good. But he also says, “I knew you’d finger me,” which is the digital penetration joke I’m sure you were hoping you’d expose your kids to when you tuned in to watch a puppet show.

Kate points out that all of the evidence suggests ALF did something to fuck this up, and threatens to dissect him while he sleeps.

I missed this Kate…the one who flicks herself off to thoughts of ALF being hit by a car. She wasn’t nearly murderous enough when she was heavy with child — the child that once again everyone seems to have forgotten exists — and it’s nice to see her spring back pretty quickly to wishing him ill. If she keeps it up, I might just survive the rest of this season.

Back at the station Max Wright is living his lifelong dream, to be surrounded by willies.

They all place bets on which of them is guilty, which is probably a funny idea but in practice I hate this episode and therefore hate anything that isn’t the end credits.

David Alan Grier comes in and announces that Tanner’s story checks out, and he’s free to go. I have no idea what story of Willie’s checks out. “I didn’t do it,” I guess?

We never find out what his alibi was or why he’s cleared, or what they even investigated. The guy might as well have said, “The script says you’re free to go.”

It’s also pretty convenient that Willie was the first one they investigated and cleared. What about all the other Willies who have been here longer than him? Don’t they care that the new guy gets cleared and sent home first?

Anyway, one of the other Willies gets up and tries to pass himself off as our Willie, saying Kate must be worried sick. I like that, as Willie probably did try to make conversation with the other guys, and now this fake Willie is using his personal information against him.

Willie stops him and says that he’s the real Willie Tanner, which could have turned into something funny. At least potentially. They could have had a decent scene in which all of the Willies claim to be the Willie, and so the cops don’t know who to send home.

It wouldn’t make much sense because they could easily be fingerprinted or something to prove who was real, but I still think that would have been funnier than Willie stepping in gum.

Instead it doesn’t go anywhere. David Alan Grier just says, “Nice try, Mr. Fusco,” and lets the real Willie leave. So I guess the joke is that a guy named Mr. Fusco looks like Max Wright? I assure you Paul Fusco has many times awoken from this precise nightmare.

As Willie leaves he bumps into the Ochmoneks, and one of the FBI guys lets it slip that they were the ones who had Willie arrested for the reward money.

Willie gets pissy with them, which is fine, but he also says that he can’t believe that after all their years of being neighbors they’d treat him like this.

Yes, he actually says that without an ounce of irony. Look in the fucking mirror, Willie.

Mrs. Ochmonek apologizes to him which, yeah, that’s well-deserved, but when was the last time Willie apologized to them for anything? I don’t think it’s ever happened, and that guy’s constantly being a dick to them.

Okay, yes, they called Crime Stoppers on him, but isn’t it sort of the cops’ job to make sure they’re arresting the right person? That’s not the Ochmoneks’ fault. They just phoned in a tip. If the FBI fucked up and detained the wrong person (or, seemingly, people), that’s on them.

Whatever. Willie hates the Ochmoneks even more now. At least now he has the vaguest of reasons to, so I guess that’s progress. Now I’ll only think he’s 99% out of line when he stands around laughing at Mr. Ochmonek’s war injury and calling them fat and ugly.

Back at the house Benji Gregory is in the foreground of a shot for the first and last time in his career. Then Willie comes back and kicks one of the Ochmoneks’ lawn flamingos over because he’s a fucking dick.

ALF comes in to greet Willie and says, “I’m so excited I could leave a spot right here on the carpet.”

I hate this show.

Willie explains to the family that ALF, for once, had nothing to do with this. And, I admit, I like that. I mean, it’s not exactly true, since he tried to get Willie to take a cruise to the Bahamas and plied the kids with information about this criminal, all of which made Willie look guilty when the FBI showed up, but whatever. In theory I like it.

Then the episode finally does draw the parallel between Willie protecting ALF and ALF protecting (or trying to protect) Willie. Which, to be fair, justifies the concept of this episode, if not its fucking horrendous execution.

Then the family leaves Kate and ALF to sort out their conflict. Kate apologizes to him, and ALF tells her to blow it out her ass. He says that he gets along fine with everyone else in the house, so she must be the problem.

I HATE THIS SHOW

In the short scene before the credits ALF wears a wig and does his impression of a black person.

If you’re not watching these episodes along with me you might have trouble knowing when I’m making something up. So let me just assure you that I am making absolutely none of that up.

Have a spookily bigoted Halloween everyone!!!

Countdown to Jim J. Bullock existing: 4 episodes
Countdown to ALF being disemboweled in front of the Tanners: 21 episodes