Arts in Entertainment: Thank You

Fallout 4

In spite of a great start, lots of helpful suggestions, and tons of encouraging words and feedback, it’s safe to call the Kickstarter. As I write this, there are 34 hours to go, and we are nowhere near our goal. Barring a miracle — and we all know Jesus won’t intervene, due to Starbucks pissing him off with their DISRESPECTFUL COFFEE CUPS — the campaign is as good as over.

We will not hit our goal.

The series will not happen.

And yet, I’m proud. I’m happy. And I’m enormously grateful.

We set our sights on something, we worked toward it, and we did our best to make it happen. If it didn’t happen…well, that’s disappointing, sure. But we — myself in particular — learned a lot from the experience. And while we didn’t raise the funds we needed, every dollar that was pledged means the world to me.

Honestly. Every single dollar. If you pledged, thank you. Deeply and truly, thank you.

If you didn’t?

Thank you, too. Because I know you at least considered it, however briefly. You clicked the Kickstarter link, read a bit about it, maybe watched the video…and determined it wasn’t for you. You weren’t interested. You, as Mr. Burns once observed so wisely, would be happier with the dollar.

And I’m no less grateful for that. I’m thankful to those who thought about it and decided to pledge, and I’m thankful to those who thought about it and decided not to.

From the kind words we received — and one offer I was sadly unable to accept — I know that there is an audience for a series like this. I’ve failed to find that audience, but that’s okay. We come out of this wiser, more prepared for next time, with a better idea of what people want, how to get it to them, and who those people are.

This has been a big learning experience for me. I’ve noticed that a lot of folks who had been eagerly following the campaign and talking to me regularly about it have quieted down in the past few days, as the realization sets in that the goal won’t be met. I assume this is because they expect me to be sad or upset in some way. And…sure, I am. But sadness isn’t what I’m feeling primarily.

I’m feeling gratitude to everyone who pledged, chose not to pledge, shared the link, offered their feedback, shared their thoughts, wished us luck, expressed their excitement, or even just listened politely while I bleated on and on about this project that didn’t interest them.

I love you guys. And I’m proud of the little community we’ve built up here. The world — the internet in particular — is full of negativity. For the support that I’ve gotten from you guys — now, in the past, presumably in the future — I cannot express my gratitude enough.

You’re good people. You’re great readers. You’re a community I wouldn’t trade for anything. And I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather fail in front of.

I’ll write more, I’m sure, but for now…I think that’s all I’ve got in me. I’ll leave you with the message I sent to each of the other authors involved with the project. “It’s not failure,” I wanted them to know…

…even if it’s not exactly a success. At this point I think it’s safe to call the Kickstarter. And I accept for full responsibility for not managing it as effectively as I was convinced I could. I tried many things…a few of which panned out, but none of which hit the way I needed them to hit.

It’s been a learning experience, for sure. If that were all it was, I’d feel fine about it. But I do want to take a moment to thank all of you for your help, your patience, your drive, and your enthusiasm for a project that didn’t quite get off the ground. Of course I wish I had more to show for my efforts, but, mainly, I wish there were more to show for yours.

I don’t see this is a failure in itself. With better management I think something like this could work extraordinarily well. Those who did pledge obviously saw something in the project, and in your titles specifically. People out there wanted to read what you had to say. People out there looked at your summaries and thought, “That sounds great. I want to own that book. I want to help to make this happen.”

It’s not that there aren’t enough people out there to make this happen, or that not enough people wanted to read what you had to say. It’s that I (not we) failed to reach enough of those people.

In my estimation, there’s no stronger team of writers than the ones who are getting this email. I wish I had better news for them, but as great a start as we got off to (and it was legitimately great), I was unable to maintain that momentum. And I apologize.

I’ll be in touch with all of you, for sure. I’m not going anywhere, and I’d still love to work with each of you in some capacity. This project, for all the love and excitement behind it, just wasn’t the one that would work out. Maybe in the future we can give it another go, or come together to produce something even better.

But whatever it is, whatever it turns out to be, and whenever it happens, I’ll be sure that I can make use of your time more effectively.

It’s not a failure; it’s just something that didn’t happen. And things don’t happen all the time.

Here’s to the stuff that eventually does.

ALF Reviews: “We’re in the Money” (season 4, episode 4)

Every so often ALF gives us an episode so hollow, so pointless, so extraordinarily empty that I struggle to write about it. As a guy that never shuts the fuck up, that’s noteworthy. “Baby Love” last season was one of those episodes. It was there. I watched it. I eventually wrote about it. But ask me about it today and I won’t be able to tell you a thing.

“We’re in the Money” is like that. It’s a whole lot of nothin’. Which sucks, sure, but I also see no evidence in the episode that anyone was trying to make it worth watching, so I can’t exactly say they failed. I think the writers and actors all realized this was some bland piece of forgettable filler and didn’t even bother to half-ass it. I sure can’t blame them.

We open the episode with Willie solemnly masturbating to ASCII pornography. I can’t speak for you guys, but when I tune into a show and the first thing I see is an old man pecking slowly at a keyboard I know I’m in for one hell of a ride.

ALF comes in and asks Willie if he can use the computer, but Willie says he’s busy; he joined the new computer shopping service and is ordering something for Kate’s birthday. Firstly, I think this means that Lynn is the only Tanner we haven’t celebrated a birthday for on-screen. If we did, I don’t remember it, so maybe it was in “Baby Love.”

Secondly, though, what an interesting time capsule this conversation is. Nowadays we’d just call it the internet, but I guess back when this episode aired you really did need to connect to some dedicated service and have a fairly deep understanding of navigation protocol from there. I remember — barely — the early days of the internet, with newsgroups and text-only chat rooms, and it’s fascinating to see it again. Willie gushes about how exciting online shopping is, but look at the screen. It’s a far cry from visiting Amazon or eBay today, but it was exciting at the time…and I definitely buy Willie as an early adopter.

Speaking of Amazon, even my first purchase from them — long after dedicated computer shopping servers, or whatever — feels like a relic of a forgotten time. See, I heard about Amazon through word of mouth. Someone told me you could get any book from them, and, sure enough, I found what I wanted: a hardcover copy of Catch-22. I’d read it a few times, but I only had the paperback, so this was exciting to me. More exciting was how I ordered it: I dialed their 800 number, gave them the ISBN that I’d copied down (I had to log out of the internet to place the call, of course), and then read my banking information from a voided check.

And that was 1999 or so! It’s very easy to lose track of just how much the internet has changed and improved over such a short period of time. Back then the web was a very different place; you couldn’t even find reviews of puppet shows that some really pathetic man wrote in his underwear between sobbing fits.

Anyway, ALF makes fun of Willie for shopping online instead of going outside, meaning that “internet nerd” jokes have existed exactly as long as the internet has. But, hey, come to think of it, isn’t it kind of hypocritical? ALF was just begging to use the computer himself.

GUYS I THINK I FOUND AN INCONSISTENCY IN ALF

Kate comes in and takes Willie away to deal with some other bullshit, so ALF hops on the computer and ends up at an investor’s network, because that’s the kind of thing that happened on the early internet when you just brainlessly mashed keys with your alien paws.

And we’re off. I sure hope that the entire episode consists of ALF reporting to us the things he sees on a computer screen. (I’m not even kidding. It’d make my top 10 by default.)

ALF, "We're in the Money"

After the credits, Willie shows Brian and Lynn the shoes he bought for Kate through the digital computer shopping service cyber commerce gateway, version 2.1. We’re also reminded (visually) that Eric is not yet dead.

It’s fine that Eric is here, but it’s odd that nobody mentions him or says anything to him. He just sits on Lynn’s lap, and nobody acknowledges he’s there, even in a token way. I’m guessing they wrote this scene without him, and decided to cram him in at the last minute without changing any of the dialogue.

It makes it odd, like everyone’s playing some kind of cruel game in which they ignore the baby. In a moment Kate comes home and she goes and looks at Eric in his playpen…but that’s it. She just looks at him for a few seconds, then turns away. What kind of mother comes home and stares silently at her newborn, then ignores it for the rest of the night? She doesn’t pick it up or coo at it or say, “Mommy’s home!” or anything. It’s…really odd.

Kate comes in and nobody helps her with the groceries, which they try to play off as a joke but, let’s face it, that’s every night in this fucking house. If they wouldn’t help her while she was eight months pregnant they’re not going to help her now.

Instead of assisting his wife in any way — even after she asks for his help — Willie asks her about a letter that came in the mail, confirming his recent stock purchases. I’m glad I don’t get letters in the mail confirming the shit I do online. My mailman would never make eye contact again.

Neither of them know who bought the stocks, so I guess ALF is in trouble. But, come on now. When the episode opened, ALF asked if he could use the computer. Willie said no, because he himself was using the computer. Then Willie got up and left, leaving the computer on, and ALF used the computer. So why exactly is ALF in trouble?

Yeah, he bought stocks, but you knew he was going to use the fucking thing. If you didn’t want him to get up to his weekly shenanigans why not turn the computer off? Or make him leave the shed with you? Or log out of your account? Or stab him 37 times with a corkscrew until you no longer hear his cries?

I’m blaming fuckass Willie for this one.

ALF, "We're in the Money"

Willie goes out to the shed to shake his scrotum angrily at ALF, who explains that he thought he was playing a game and had no idea he was investing real money.

And, you know what?

Good on you, ALF. This is definitely Willie’s problem. I’m holding you blameless, because you’re a massive fucking idiot and nobody in this family seems to have realized this yet. You’ve lived here for four God-damned years and royally fucked up everything you’ve touched, but they still leave you unsupervised and act surprised when you get up to the same antics you always get up to. At some point the responsibility is on them to cut off your fingers and chain you to a wall. And until they do that, they get no sympathy from me.

ALF explains to Willie that he may not have known what he was doing, but they’re $5,000 ahead, and that’s good news. Willie replies, “But you could have lost everything, ALF!”

Again though…as much as I fucking hate fucking ALF, this isn’t his fault. He told you he was going to use the computer. Because he’s in a sitcom he logged into Willie’s stock portfolio when he was trying to boot up Donkey Kong. And he played what he thought was a game. Now he knows it wasn’t a game, but Willie didn’t lose anything. In fact he’s got $5,000 he didn’t have before the mistake.

And Willie kicks the good news right back in ALF’s snout. What an asshole. Willie needs to give himself a lecture here, not the space alien.

ALF then tries to convince Willie to let him keep playing the stocks, and Willie tells him to a suck a dick and takes the keyboard away with him.

And that is fine.

I can understand Willie getting mad at ALF’s request to keep fucking around with Willie’s stocks…that makes sense. So why didn’t the scene open with that? With ALF suggesting right off that he continue investing on Willie’s behalf? That would have made a lot more sense than Willie flipping out over something ALF didn’t even know he was doing.

ALF, "We're in the Money"

The next morning Brian asks for French toast and sausage, but Kate already made oatmeal, so he pisses and moans about it.

I’ve got news for you, kid: this is the only acting gig you’re ever going to have. Enjoy the free food while you can.

Then ALF comes in and apologizes for being such a grump since Willie made him stop investing. “Oh, but, Willie, also, suck my hairy Melmacian dick.”

See, ALF has still been investing money…in theory. He’s been doing it on paper, and the investments he would have made would have netted the Tanners a profit of $11,000 so far. He gives Willie a piece of adding machine tape to prove, I guess, that he was able to add numbers that totaled $11,000.

ALF, "We're in the Money"

This gets everyone very wet, so Willie asks ALF about his investing strategy. He replies that he selects companies whose initials spell out the names of Melmacian holidays. You might think this builds to some kind of joke about Melmacian holidays, but it doesn’t, because we’re only in episode four and already the writers can’t wait for the show to be cancelled.

ALF’s investing strategy reminds me of an episode of some show in which somebody kept choosing the winning sports team based on which animal would win in a fight. Was it Perfect Strangers? I honestly can’t remember, but it’s the kind of logic that only works in sitcoms.

Later that night, Willie and Kate are in bed, having passionate, incredible sex.

Just kidding! They’re lying quietly next to each other and wishing a jet engine would fall through the ceiling and kill them.

Willie tries to talk to her about what happened at breakfast, and she immediately says, “You want ALF to invest our money, don’t you? Because that is about the stupidest thing that I can think of at the moment.”

And son of a motherfuck do I love having Anne Schedeen back. The real Anne Schedeen, who acts and stuff. This show would be so much more enjoyable to me if each episode was 22 minutes of her telling ALF and Willie to pull their heads out of their asses.

While I’m entirely on her side in this argument, I do have to tip my hat to Willie for suggesting that ALF might be an “alien savant.” That’s pretty funny, actually.

Kate tells Willie to do whatever the hell he wants, because her soul withered and died way back on their honeymoon. Willie, for the first time since college, achieves erection. He runs off to give ALF the good news, but ALF was listening outside the door, hoping to hear them fuck.

I’ve had people comment here and on Facebook that I’m being pretty hard on a show that was obviously aimed at kids. And I have to apologize. I have no idea how I missed the fact that a show about a violent pedophile voyeuristic rapist was designed for children.

ALF, "We're in the Money"

In the shed Willie and ALF invest money. It’s riveting.

At one point ALF announces that they’re $20,000 up, and Willie does that thing where you pump your arms and thrust your crotch forward. Fortunately for you he did it quickly enough that I couldn’t get a clear screengrab. (Even by this blog’s low, low standards.)

You owe Max Wright for that.

They argue for a while about what to invest in. That eats several full minutes, and nothing happens except that Willie lets ALF invest in a latrine chemical company. Hooray.

Man, who could have predicted that an episode about two characters staring blankly at a computer screen would be dull?

ALF, "We're in the Money"

At Kate’s birthday dinner ALF bitches about having to be away from the computer. What a nerd! Can you imagine being such a pathetic creature that you fill all of your free time tapping away at a keyboard?

:(

Anyway, Willie returned the shitty shoes he bought Kate in favor of a “hand-etched” crystal vase from France.

He says, “It’s really heavy,” but he says it after she’s already holding it. So either he delivered his line late and it was supposed to be a warning, or he’s passive aggressively bitching about shipping charges. I can’t tell.

Anne Schedeen beams believably, and I have to admit she has an incredible smile. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it before on this show, and I think she’s only managing it now because she’s within spitting distance of never having to appear in this horse shit show again.

They kiss and ALF says, “There’s an alien present!” Kate replies, “You’ve seen us kiss before,” which is an understatement if I’ve ever heard one. But he holds up a gift and says that there’s “an alien present.

Which is…yeah, okay. It’s decent enough wordplay.

…but then he explains, “That means open the present from the alien.” ALF knows full well that anyone still watching this show in season four has severe brain damage and can’t be expected to…you know. Get jokes.

ALF got her a diamond bracelet or something, and to prove the diamonds are real he scratches the shit out of Willie’s crystal vase. Everyone just accepts this.

ALF, "We're in the Money"

What Willie doesn’t accept is ALF spending so much money on a gift. He flips out during his wife’s birthday celebration, intent on making sure she never has a moment of lasting joy in her life.

He’s pissed at ALF for digging into the $20,000, and ALF reveals that it’s only $10,000 now.

Willie shits his pants and tells ALF to sell all the stocks immediately, and I look forward to the second half of the episode in which we watch ALF slowly do that in real time.

He does let ALF keep $2,500 to invest as he sees fit, which is nice of him, and I’m glad he cares about not hurting the alien’s feelings while his wife sits there crying on her birthday.

ALF, "We're in the Money"

Later that night, ALF breaks into a cold sweat when accesses the Deep Web and immediately hears distant sirens.

Brian comes in and ALF begs him for money. When Brian doesn’t give him any, ALF throttles him repeatedly.

Kate walks in on a violent space monster physically assaulting her son and quietly ushers the kid out of the room. Work long enough for Paul Fusco and you just get used to it, I guess.

ALF, "We're in the Money"

Then ALF gropes the coffee maker.

This episode sucks.

Willie lectures him about how thirst for money can make people lose sight of their ethics and do terrible things. ALF replies, “That explains Ghostbusters II!” which might be a decent line on a show that was actually better than Ghostbusters II.

Ghostbusters II wasn’t that bad. I mean, yeah, it was nowhere near as good as the original, but it had some funny moments, and on its own merits it’s a decent watch. God knows I’d put that on any day over ALF.

It’s an especially unfair shot at that franchise considering that ALF was no stranger to low-quality cash grabbing itself, from spinoffs to comic books to Burger King kids’ meals. Paul Fusco would squeeze every ounce of life out of this character if it meant one more penny in his paycheck…but let’s make fun of Ghostbusters II. Clearly those talentless hacks Bill Murray, Harold Ramis, Dan Aykroyd, and Ivan Reitman deserve it.

Then the episode is over.

Huh.

Well, at least that felt quick. It was no shorter than usual, but I guess when nothing happens it just glides on by.

ALF, "We're in the Money"

In the short scene before the credits, Willie makes a list of all the money ALF lost him over the years, and while reading it ALF gets hysterical over his own antics.

It’s…a pretty funny idea actually; I just wish it came at the end of a better episode. And it might have been nice if we got more than just a few of the line items read out to us, because any attempt at continuity is welcome.

For the record, we hear the following items on Willie’s list: crashing the space ship into the garage (“A.L.F.”), the first kitchen fire (“On the Road Again”), and bail money (“Pennsylvania 6-500”). We also hear about the scratched vase from this episode, and a broken camera which I don’t think is from any particular episode.

Some more nods to previous episodes would have been nice, but that also would have forced me to watch the episode for a few more seconds, so…swings and roundabouts.

Anyway, that’s all, folks. “We’re in the Money” sure was forgettable.

I expect a lot of crappy episodes in this final stretch…here’s hoping it’s not too much to ask that they at least be interesting.

Countdown to Jim J. Bullock existing: 3 episodes
Countdown to ALF being garroted in front of the Tanners: 20 episodes

MELMAC FACTS: Blec was “an important holiday” on Melmac. How did they celebrate? What did the holiday represent? What is the closest corollary we have on Earth? None of these questions are answered because the writers wanted to be done with this shit even more than I do.

Arts in Entertainment Author Spotlight: David Black

David Black
Over the next few days, we’ll be turning the spotlight over to the authors featured in the Arts in Entertainment series. This is your chance to meet them and get a sense of exactly why you’ll want to read their books. As of right now we are just over 25% funding, but we still have a ways to go! Every dollar helps make a great series a reality, so please support the Kickstarter today to help it come to life. Here’s David Black to tell you about his book on Pulp’s album This is Hardcore, and to give you a taste of just how great a series this will be.

What made you decide to pitch to this project?

I like Phil. I like the cut of his jibe. He has good jib, but he has better jibe. When Phil has an idea that isn’t ALF-related, you really want to be a part of it. I was attracted to the project in part initially by what he didn’t want. He wasn’t looking for people to write for a perceived market. Neither was he concerned with something being particularly popular or zeitgeisty. As someone who has never been fashionable, this struck me as a very refreshing attitude. He just wanted people to write about what they love. “Write about what you know” has become a very well-worn cliché, but how often do you get to write about what you love?

How quickly did you decide on your subject?

Really, really quickly. Then, I second guessed myself and came up with three more potential ideas and pitched two of them, all the while hoping against hope that Phil would choose This is Hardcore over the others. Ultimately, Phil asked me which one I wanted to write and there was no contest.

What was it about your subject that stood out to you?

I’m not sure if This is Hardcore is my favourite Pulp album, because such things change daily, but in many ways it is their most significant album to me. It’s the first Pulp album I bought on release and crucially it came out when I was sixteen. My associations with the album are tied up with that part of my life. This book is as much about being sixteen as it is about 69 minutes and 49 seconds of the best post-Britpop art rock ever heard.

Pulp have a long and tortured history with many different line-ups and record labels, so despite the fact that this is their sixth studio album, there is an argument for saying this is their Difficult Second Album.

Every time I listen to the album, I’m reminded of what could have been. A parallel reality in which the album was lauded, applauded and rewarded. Its singles all went top ten, its cultural significance was assured and the Spice Girls all bled to death in a debtor’s prison.

What do you hope a reader will take away from your book?

That something which struggles to find its audience in the broader sense can still be hugely important to the individual. I’m hoping that people who liked This is Hardcore will join my rallying cry calling for its reappraisal. I’m hoping that those who didn’t enjoy it upon release are willing to give it another chance. I want those that have never heard it to give it try.

Your book in seven words:

Come share this golden age with me.

Trilogy of Terror: The World’s End (2013)

While waiting for The World’s End, I watched Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz over and over and over again. They were great films, and they rewarded repeat viewings. I noticed something new or appreciated something more each time. They each retained, on the whole, their ability to surprise. They were — and are — finely crafted little puzzleboxes that allow you to respect the craftsmanship even after you think you’ve learned its secrets.

Then The World’s End arrived. I saw it as early as I could, and never wanted to see it again.

In fact, until this month I didn’t revisit and reassess it at all. Shaun and Hot Fuzz stayed in rotation, but I never felt compelled at all to attempt The Golden Mile again with the court of Gary King. There were a few reasons for that, and only some of them were were conscious. I understand my feelings a little better now, and having seen it a few more times I can say that I enjoy it more than I originally did, but The World’s End is, without question, the weakest of The Blood and Ice Cream trilogy.

Whereas the previous two films were tight, complex constructions of both writing and directing, impressive little gifts that seem to contain more every time you open them, The World’s End is all exposed plumbing.

It’s a mess that begins to unravel partway through the film and never quite stops. Its tonal shifts are abrupt and inelegant. Its echoes are (often) forced and without meaning. And the final half hour(!) is given over to a long-winded explanation of what we’ve just seen, heaping upon us a great deal of new information but failing completely to surprise.

It’s bloated, aimless, and can’t seem to figure out what its own message is.

But you know what?

The World's End, 2013

It’s still better than I gave it credit for being.

And while there’s a lot of fat just begging to be trimmed, there are also some truly great moments that more or less justify the missteps.

The central conceit this time around is that Pegg’s character, Gary King, rounds up four of his childhood friends for one more crack at The Golden Mile; a 12-pub crawl that they failed to complete back in June of 1990. This necessitates a trip back to Newton Haven, a town each of them was all too happy to escape.

While they’re there some bodysnatcher stuff happens or whatever. I’d explain it here but the voice of Bill Nighy spends 30 minutes doing exactly that and I wouldn’t want to steal his thunder.

The most basic disappointment for me is that The World’s End doesn’t quite manage to mesh its universes. The zombies in Shaun and the slashers of Hot Fuzz felt important to those films, but the bodysnatcher aspect of this film never quite gels with the pub crawl.

In fact, they actively work against each other at several points, and for the first time in the trilogy I started to wish Wright and Pegg just told a straightforward human story without any of that blended-genre silliness.

The World's End, 2013

That, of course, would go entirely against the ethos of the trilogy, but I still feel it would have given us a better film.

The best stuff comes at the beginning of The World’s End, which is incredibly strong. Gary narrates an extended flashback of the fateful night he and his pals attempted The Golden Mile, and a perfect bittersweet note is struck…the nostalgia one eventually feels for times that weren’t that great to begin with.

It’s a great little sequence that strikes an impressive chord. It understands exactly how we reflect on the past and cringe at who we were, wonder how we’re still alive, and yet…still miss it.

The sequence is set to “Summer’s Magic,” a dance track released in 1990 which is both the perfect soundtrack choice and a song whose title and release date are quite meaningful to the film. In fact, the soundtrack overall is something I take no issue with, with most of the songs being period-appropriate, many of them being quite good, and all of them commenting in some interesting way on the action.

Then the flashback ends and we get a legitimately painful contextual surprise: it turns out Gary was narrating his story not to us, but to a support group.

The World's End, 2013

It’s a truly dark twist that in a flash recontextualizes everything we’ve just seen, and, unfortunately, it sets the bar too high for The World’s End to really live up to. Nothing else in the film is anywhere near as clever — or affecting — as that reveal, and that’s a big part of the problem. The support group fakeout hurts. It takes the cheery narration and wistful footage and jaunty soundtrack and slaps it away with a brutal dose of reality.

The rest of the film, however, lacks that kind of twist. It presents itself…and that’s all it does. The masterful undercutting on display in that opening moment is absent for just about everything that follows. The World’s End is a disarmingly superficial film in that sense, made all the more frustrating because it started as a film that was anything but.

There’s no second layer to anything we’re watching.

Granted, Gary King views himself a dashing, irresistible figure…while his friends find him a bothersome nuisance. At no point do we suspect otherwise, though, and at many points the characters outline this precise dichotomy for us. There’s no twist to it and no surprise. Gary sees himself one way, the rest of the world sees him another, and that doesn’t really change. There’s no twist, and no surprise.

Similarly, for much of the film there’s an unspoken trauma in the group’s collective memory, and that seems as though it will pay off in some kind of interesting way, but it never does. I’m referring to the “accident” that caused Gary and Andy Knightley (Nick Frost) to part ways.

The World's End, 2013

We hear only passing references to this event, and it’s indeed an intriguing question. What happened? Gary might miss all of his friends, but it was Andy to whom he was clearly closest. It’s Andy that he misses most.

What exactly came between them? We know it was an accident, but that’s all we know. We want to find out more.

…and so we find out more. And we realize we knew enough already.

It’s revealed that Andy wrecked a vehicle — and was nearly killed — while driving an OD-ing Gary King to the hospital. After the crash Gary scampered away to leave Andy to deal with the fallout. Which, indeed, is pretty shitty, and exactly the sort of thing that would break up a friendship for good.

But does any of that change what we already knew? Do we reconsider anything? Does it change or enrich our understanding of the situation at all?

We know the details now, but there was enough context already (Gary’s hard-partying lifestyle, the fact that there was an accident, Andy’s disinterest in seeing Gary again, Andy’s tee-totaling) that we pretty much had the idea. It’s enough to know that Gary did a shitty thing to Andy; finding out what that shitty thing was fails to register, because it’s completely in keeping with what we’ve already assumed.

Additionally, late in the film, as Andy and Gary are brawling in The World’s End, Andy sees that Gary is wearing a hospital bracelet. (Reading — with a note of masterfully cruel irony — KING GARY.)

But, again, this is something we already knew. It lends a nice bit of retroactive weight to Gary refusing to show his arm in the smokehouse, but it’s something we already knew. We learn everything we need to know about Gary King in the introduction — and everything we need to know about his friends in their introductions — which leaves the film with such little room to surprise.

The World's End, 2013

Having said all of that, the scenes of the group reconnecting are pretty great. The first couple of pubs see the men catching up, realizing how much they’ve changed, and, slowly, slipping back into old jokes and dynamics. Their laughter feels warm and genuine, and they really do come across as people who became adults individually but remember what it was like to be kids together. It’s very well done, and unquestionably well acted.

The feeling of returning to one’s home town is also handled very well. I didn’t grow up in a town like Newton Haven, but the feeling I get from watching the gang revisit it is on par with the feeling I got when I returned home after nearly a decade away.

There’s some melancholy distance that Wright conveys so well I can’t even explain how he does it, the feeling that this was once part of you…and isn’t anymore. The feeling that you couldn’t wait to leave, but now it’s kind of nice to be back…even if you still can’t wait to leave.

The most affecting example of this is when, early in the film, a man who used to bully Peter in school borrows a chair from the gang’s table, and Peter immediately shifts back into feeling like a helpless child. Brilliantly observed is the fact that the most painful thing about his memories is that he’s the only one who has them. His tormentor doesn’t even remember him. All of it — every unforgettable nightmare he endured and the scars he still carries — stayed only with him. To this day, he remains the only one to suffer.

It’s a very realistic scene, and one of the few times in this film that we turn a human lens on someone who isn’t Gary or Andy.

The World's End, 2013

But the reconnecting goes only so far, because there’s another kind of story the film wishes to tell: one about bodysnatching. Unfortunately, it’s one that Wright and Pegg never figured out how to integrate naturally.

Instead of feeling like an organic part of The World’s End, the bodysnatcher plot robs the film of what should have been its most affecting moments, beginning with the scene in which that concept is introduced. Gary failing to impress a younger boy with his hard-drinking plans for the night — something that should register as a sad, aging man unable to cling to a popularity he never had — is rendered meaningless upon the reveal that the boy is an automaton.

It’s even less interesting when compared to a similar scene in Spaced, in which an almost identical exchange happens — right down to it taking place in a restroom — and which manages to feel both more affecting and more menacing. It’s a lesser shade of something we’ve already seen, and it’s lesser because it’s less natural.

And that ends up being the problem all around. Gary is frequently (and temporarily) deflated by the fact that so few people in Newton Haven remember him and his antics, but that means a lot less when it’s revealed that they’re all robotic replacements for the people he did know. So far from having to face the fact that he’s not the living legend he believes himself to be — which would have given his character some sorely needed growth — he gets to assign his lack of notoriety to the fact that these are all robots, and not the people who would remember him.

Part of what makes the film’s introduction work so well is that it spotlights, indirectly, how big the small things can feel to us. How massively important they are to us, while they mean nothing to anybody else.

The events of that night in 1990 meant — and continue to mean — the world to Gary King, but to anyone working at those pubs, drinking alongside the boys, or otherwise going about their business, it was just a night. The kids were just customers.

That’s the awakening Gary King should have…not the assurance that they would remember him if only they hadn’t been replaced by machines.

The World's End, 2013

Then again, the robots (or Blanks) are shown to retain the memories of the people they replace, so I’m not sure where the film wants us to land on that. It’s our explanation for why nobody in Newton Haven remembers them (which seems to be reinforced by the fact that those who haven’t been replaced, such as Mad Basil and The Reverend Green, do remember them), but the twins recognize Sam, and Mr. Shepherd remembers them even though he has been replaced, so I’m not sure there is a definite answer in there.

Even odder is the fact that the Blanks have such radically different responses to the boys. In the first pub, the barman doesn’t recognize any of them and is not interested in engaging with them. In a later pub, much of the dialogue from the first pub is revisited, with the barman (Spaced alum Mark Heap) making a big, friendly show out of recognizing and engaging with them. That’s odd because Heap’s barman is meant to clue you in to the fact that he’s a Blank, as that plot point was recently revealed to the characters. But the first barman was also a Blank; we just didn’t know it yet. So does a Blank want to wall Gary and company off from their pasts, or fool them into thinking they’ve found it again? If they’re meant to represent a unified “Starbucking” (as we’re overtly told they are), then why are their behaviors and intentions at odds?

Maybe it’s a plot inconsistency, or maybe I’m just missing something. Either way, it’s nit-picking I wouldn’t be doing if I didn’t have a larger issue with the bodysnatchers.

So here’s my larger issue with the bodysnatchers: nobody flees.

The film does its best to give us a reason for that.

In fact, it gives us a bunch of reasons because it’s desperate to have us believe that these idiots will still try to finish the pub crawl: the buses have stopped running, there’s nobody sober enough to drive, they don’t have a car, nobody has a better plan, and so on.

All of which is fine. None of which convinces me that they wouldn’t make a break for it anyway.

Running might be a doomed idea, but aside from Gary I see no reason the others wouldn’t at least try…especially considering the fact that they weren’t having all that great of a time to begin with. They were already talking about ditching The Golden Mile and going home back when it was just a dumb social event.

Once they realize their lives are in danger, they for some reason feel less inclined to give it up.

The World's End, 2013

It’s a cheat. A necessary one to keep the film moving, but it’s only necessary because Wright and Pegg came up with lots of reasons the guys would stick together, and none of them are the right one. Gary King, I believe, would march stupidly into danger for the sake of finally completing The Golden Mile. I don’t believe that any of the others would push through as stupidly.

The danger simply isn’t handled believably to me here.

In Shaun of the Dead, Ed and Shaun fled the danger because it wasn’t safe to stay where they were…and they picked up the others because it wasn’t likely to remain safe where they were, either. Right or wrong, the impulse to find a safe place to hole up made sense.

In Hot Fuzz, Angel’s response was the opposite: he tackled the danger head-on, even when he knew he was doomed (see him attempt to place the entire NWA under arrest, alone), but that, too, made sense because of his unwavering commitment to justice. When the police joined him in his crusade, that also had a built-in explanation: they were the police.

In The World’s End, though, the characters’ response to the danger feels forced and manufactured, a product of the fact that the movie needs them to behave that way, and not because that’s who they are.

The bodysnatcher stuff does give the film some great moments, I admit. The scene in which the gang drunkenly tries to figure out what to call them is brilliant, and Gary’s “to err is human…” speech toward the end of the film is one of the best things in the entire trilogy. Ditto Nick Frost’s incredibly cathartic performance when he rips his shirt open and shouts, “I fucking hate this town!”

The World's End, 2013

But overall it just leads to some toothless commentary about Starbucking, and dull (and often humorless) fight scenes.

Shaun of the Dead had the good sense to keep its action either brief or funny. Hot Fuzz leaned on it a bit too hard, but still made Angel’s creative non-lethal takedowns interesting. (And, it must be said, still pretty funny.)

But in The World’s End they just feel tedious. Maybe it’s the silliness of the blue ink or the way limbs pop off and reattach like action figures, but something here just lacks weight, and I lose track of why I’m watching.

The first fight scene in the restroom uses one seemingly unbroken take (I don’t know for sure if it’s genuine or editing-room trickery), which may be technically impressive, but I don’t find it particularly engaging. It seems like something done for the sake of doing it, and not something done because that was the best way to shoot the scene. Compare it to Rope or the Copacabana scene in Goodfellas and you’ll get a sense of how hollow the gesture feels here.

A later brawl sees Gary’s drinking continually interrupted, and that’s decently funny, but otherwise it’s just the characters hitting people and getting hit in return. It gets old quickly and never complicates itself. The fight with the twins comes across as too Looney Tunes to even feel like it’s part of the same film.

In fact, nearly all of the bodysnatcher stuff feels like filler, and that might be because — unlike zombie films and cop movies — bodysnatcher films don’t have an established set of tropes from which to draw.

Both of the preceding installments in the trilogy hinged upon us knowing (at least in passing) the rules of the genres that they straddled. “Bodysnatcher” isn’t really a genre. Sci-Fi sure is, but it’s also much too broad. As a result, we’re left with a movie that doesn’t get to coast on an assumed level of familiarity as the last two did. It needs to introduce — continually — every one of its rules.

And, as a result, it feels like it’s putting forth a great deal of effort just to approach what the other two films achieved so naturally.

The World's End, 2013

But, mainly, there’s the fact that Gary King doesn’t change.

Nobody really changes. There’s an odd, unnatural stasis at the center of The World’s End, and I honestly don’t know how much of it is intentional, or what’s meant by it. It becomes particularly problematic at the end of the film, when Gary’s behavior and attitude (and reluctance to change or grow) results in global apocalypse and countless deaths. (Including his friends and loved ones, his own mother among them.)

What’s more, Gary causes this to happen.

In Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, the danger springs up with no help from our protagonists. Shaun tries to beat it back; Angel successfully puts a stop to it.

Gary King, by contrast, triggers the apocalypse single-handedly.

And yet, nobody in the film seems to bat an eye. They just adjust to the fact that the planet is a desolate wasteland, and Gary leads younger, robotic versions of his friends from pub to pub.

That would be fine if there were a larger statement being made, but if there is I’d have trouble identifying it. I don’t even know what Gary’s ostensible purpose is, let alone the film’s larger, thematic one.

It’s not to get drunk with his young friends — he orders waters for all of them — and he knows he and his gang aren’t welcome, so I guess it’s just to start fights and be a dick?

It’s an oddly vague conclusion for a film that just spent half an hour trying to rigorously explain to us what we were watching.

The World's End, 2013

You know what, though?

There’s a lot that The World’s End gets exactly right.

As down as I am on it, and as much as I can pick it apart, there is a lot that I enjoy.

There’s the intro sequence, obviously. There’s the series of short scenes of Gary rounding up his old friends, in which Simon Pegg seems to channel a somehow-more-delusional David Brent. But the biggest achievement comes, again, from Nick Frost. He plays Gary’s most pained and hurt companion beautifully.

Andy, if anything, is too real.

His standoffish nature and refusal to engage is just…it’s brutal. It hurts to watch. And it’s not because he turns away from his friends, but because it’s so clearly a symptom of how much he aches on the inside.

He has his life together, but he’s unhappy. And when we learn later that his wife and kids have left him, it lands. It makes sense.

This is a guy who played second banana to someone who literally left him to die…and he scraped his life together as best he could only to have that fall apart as well.

It’s affecting, and it feels real in a way that Gary’s struggle — however we may wish to define that — does not.

The World's End, 2013

Andy has been beaten by life. His inner conflict doesn’t feel manufactured; it feels honest and sad. And when he punches his wedding ring out of a robot’s tummy, we get one of the few times in this film that the bodysnatcher aspect has legitimate resonance.

Ditto his fight with Gary toward the end, when he takes his frustrations out on his traitorous, selfish friend physically. There’s something deeply affecting about that. It’s inner torment made manifest. It’s two men who love each other trying to hurt each other, because that’s what they feel like they should do.

The conflict, sadly, doesn’t last. The floor of The World’s End descends and there’s no resolution to the confrontation between Andy and Gary. We’ve left the film about people, and shifted irreversibly into the film about alien bodysnatcher robot things.

The World’s End doesn’t know how to resolve the fistfight that the entire film has been building toward, so it — quite literally — just drops it.

That’s hugely disappointing, but I was talking about the things I liked, so let me shift tracks and say that I also love Paddy Considine’s turn as Steven Prince.

Steven is Gary’s put-upon and downplayed third banana, and he reconnects with his childhood crush Sam. Together they kindle a gentle romance as civilization comes crashing down, and while the romantic element if the film is far from one of its most important, it’s handled very well. Considine does fantastic work here, and I’m glad we got to see more of him after his great — but too-brief — turn as one of Sandford’s detectives in Hot Fuzz.

In fact, the casting is great all around, and the effects work is good as well…even if I do wish the film leaned on it a bit less.

But rewatching it (a few times) prior to writing this, I realized why I didn’t want to rewatch it at all.

At first, I just thought I didn’t like it as much. It wasn’t as funny. That kind of thing.

Instead, I think it’s just a little too hard to face.

The World's End, 2013

Gary King’s arrested adolescence is too well drawn. It’s too potent a reminder of…well, of all the stupid things I’ve done. All the crap I’ve put people through. All the times I hurt someone close to me, and never took the time to apologize or make amends.

I don’t look at The World’s End and see myself. But I do look at it and find unpleasant emotions triggered. See reflections of things I’d prefer not to remember. Realize that even now I’m not the person I probably should be.

That’s not the film’s fault. In fact, I admire how successfully it conjures those emotions.

It’s just frustrating that it doesn’t then know what to do with them.

The World’s End, through my personal filter, starts to look to me less like a bodysnatcher film and becomes more of a psychological horror.

The idea that someone like Gary King could exist…could continue to exist, as he is…could round up his old friends and interfere with their lives all over again…could end the film just as he always was, without the help he needs…could be left bounding unchecked through the world with no incentive to reconsider his place in it…

That’s terrifying to me.

If monster movies have you checking under the bed, this film makes me dread looking in the mirror, lest I see any part of Gary King staring back at me.

The World's End, 2013

It paints a man like Gary very well, and then doesn’t know what to do with him. The character — and the audience — are underserved.

If anything, the film’s biggest problem is how accurately and honestly it paints Gary. Because he’s not a caricature, and is instead a deeply hurting and dangerous man, he’s beyond the scope of the film. He’s too much for it to tame. He, by his own existence, raises questions and triggers concerns that the film isn’t capable of addressing.

But because it paints him so effectively, it can’t be a bad film. It’s disappointing, especially in light of the two that preceded it, but The World’s End hits some great notes along the way. It has interesting things to say about growing up, even if it can’t quite complete the thought.

And again, at its core, it’s the story of Pegg’s and Frost’s characters. This time around, though, it’s not about why they need each other. In fact, they don’t need each other at all, and they separate at some point before the end of the film to do…whatever it is they each do.

The emptiness of the ending comes from the confused story the film is trying to tell. Perhaps it was too ambitious for its own good. Or perhaps Wright and Pegg just got complacent. I certainly don’t know, and I can’t pretend to.

But I know that it’s worth watching, even a few times, because the lousy stuff makes you appreciate the previous films a bit more, and the good stuff is really good stuff.

It’s just that, for the first time, the balance seemed to really falter.

The World's End, 2013

That’s at least in keeping with the film, though.

You can get the old crew back together, but you’ll never manage precisely the same magic.

All you can ask is that you get some enjoyment out of it, before it’s all over.

Happy Halloween, everyone. Thanks for reading.

Arts in Entertainment Author Spotlight: Nathan Rabin

Nathan Rabin

Over the next few days, we’ll be turning the spotlight over to the authors featured in the Arts in Entertainment series. This is your chance to meet them and get a sense of exactly why you’ll want to read their books. As of right now we are just over 25% funding, but we still have a ways to go! Every dollar helps make a great series a reality, so please support the Kickstarter today to help it come to life. Here’s Nathan Rabin to tell you about his book on I’m Still Here, and to give you a taste of just how great a series this will be.

What made you decide to pitch to this project?

After I finished You Don’t Know Me But You Don’t Like Me I had one goal in mind: to write a book that would be even more grotesquely self-indulgent and personal, and appeal to an even tinier niche audience than You Don’t Know Me But You Don’t Like Me, my non-best-selling, non-award winning book about Phish, Insane Clown Posse and my 37th nervous breakdown. Since the beginning of my career, I have strived to make all of my writing all about me. It’s been an uphill struggle, given the public’s intense disinterest in my life, both personal and professional, but I have somehow managed to publish two memoirs (2009’s The Big Rewind and 2013’s You Don’t Know Me But You Don’t Like Me) intersecting my perpetually downward spiraling brain and the weird-ass pop culture that obsesses me. So I jumped at the opportunity to really delve deep into a movie that I think is one of the most important and insightful and relevant movies of the past decade, and a movie whose shadowy, murky depths haven’t really been explored.

How quickly did you decide on your subject?

Surprisingly quickly. Maybe it was because I was in a particularly vulnerable state when I first saw I’m Still Here — pinballing around the country following Phish in the summer of 2011 and trying to write a book I was half-convinced would be the death of me, or at least spell the end of my career — but the movie resonated with me in a way few films (or other pieces of pop culture, for that matter) have. I related to it on an only unhealthy level, and I see this book as being something of a follow-up or companion piece to You Don’t Know Me, that explores the same set of experiences from a different angle and with even more candor than before.

What was it about your subject that stood out to you?

This is a film that combines just about all of my obsessions in one bizarre, tricky little box full of dynamite: hip hop, celebrity, drugs, sex, madness, ego, celebrity, comedy, post-modernism, anti-comedy, method acting, David Letterman, Diddy, the purposeful and deliberate blurring of fact and fiction and much more. It’s a film that Phoenix seemingly made only to satisfy his wandering, erratic muse but it also feels custom-made for my particular brand of unconscionably personal, broad-view criticism.

What do you hope a reader will take away from your book?

At the very least, I’d like readers to come away with a renewed appreciation for the film and for the audacity Phoenix has shown throwing himself into such a tricky, bizarre and all-consuming project. Phoenix has always been a favorite of mine but I think with I’m Still Here he transcended being a mere actor convincingly saying other people’s lines and became something greater and stranger, a bona fide pop icon, perhaps the closest thing we have to Marlon Brando.

Your book in seven words:

Letting Joaquin Phoenix’s Madness Run With Mine