Reading too deeply into these things since 1981

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Prior to the release of The Lost Worlds of Power, each author selected for inclusion will be given the floor. I’ve asked them to talk about themselves, their approach to the project, and anything else they’d like to say up front. I’ve also asked them to avoid spoilers, so have no fear of those. Anyway, week ten: J. Paul Roe, author of “Linus Spacehead’s Cosmic Crusade.”

J. Paul RoeWho am I?

I’m the dripping, crimsoned keys of Hemingway’s Corona #3 and I’m Fowler’s blood-mottled brow. I’m Gore Vidal’s perfect sentence written on a suicide note. I’m a thousand monkeys chained to a thousand fucking typewriters.

I put words together to make them do things. Sometimes the words are meant to sell a product or service. Other times, the words are meant to entertain. In the case of “Linus Spacehead’s Cosmic Crusade,” the words were meant to be a really long, awful joke.

I succeeded, or I failed.

Despite the completely absurd subject matter and the fact that I submitted the entire manuscript in the wingdings typeface, “Linus Spacehead’s Cosmic Crusade” managed to get selected for publication in The Lost Worlds of Power.

Linus Spacehead's Cosmic CrusadeI’m excited to be part of this project. I have to spend a lot of time writing “business stuff,” so it’s awesome to know that something I enjoyed writing will enjoy a hefty readership. I would like to think that it’ll also advance my career as an author, but “Linus Spacehead’s Cosmic Crusade” sucks pretty hard. It was meant to be bad and I don’t write humor. Look on my work, ye readers, and despair.

“How did I pick Linus Spacehead’s Cosmic Crusade?” you ask.

I went to Wikipedia and looked up a list of every NES game, then I read through said list looking for games with the absolute worst titles.

Linus Spacehead’s Cosmic Crusade won, of course…I mean how fucking awful is this title? It totally conjures imagery of an alien getting blown whilst cruising between the stars. (I guess if you haven’t developed stasis chambers, you have to do something.)

I had the title, but I needed more to draw from because I couldn’t stretch the oral sex joke long enough to meet the word count. So I turned to a walk-through of the game provided by someone who I will assume is now dead. In this walk-through I learned that:

Linus Spacehead's Cosmic Crusade1. The game has a terrible premise and is really effing corny.

2. Playing it is the most boring thing you could possibly do with your time other than reading a walk-through about it.

3. I was going to have to make up the entire story because the people who created the game didn’t really bother. They probably belonged to the same union as the ALF writers.

So I used some of the names, locations and minor plot elements from the game and just pulled the rest out of my ass. (“Crafted the story,” in author speak.)

So, what did I craft? I mentioned that I don’t (or can’t) write humor and this story is hardly an exception to that statement. Face to face, I’m a clown. When I write, I write about what scares me. Defeat, fear, hopelessness, self-hatred, jealousy and loneliness are all major parts of my fiction. So are strength, courage, redemption and hope. My protagonists are never good guys. I don’t write about the knight in shining armor. I write about people who’ve fucked their lives up so badly that you’re afraid to root for them. I torture them and take everything away. I give them choices that no person could make. Read “Sol Invictus” and you’ll see what I mean.

Linus Spacehead's Cosmic Crusade“Linus Spacehead’s Cosmic Crusade” is a lighter version of that fare. If it is funny, it can only be because the protagonist (like the author) has nothing to lose.

That’s all you’re getting out of me. I truly think you’re going to enjoy joining Linus on his adventure. Hell, I enjoyed it. Phil likes it, and his ALF reviews are funny as hell, so I consider that a pretty good sign. Go read it.

My thanks go out to all the readers who have been anticipating the release of the book and offering support along the way. I know you guys are going to enjoy it. I also want to thank the other contributors for taking part. It’s all of us together that are making this awesome book a reality. Finally, thanks again to Phil for giving me the chance to introduce myself on the blog and for putting this whole project together. I can’t wait to read the finished product.

Visit my website to learn more about me!

- J. Paul Roe

ALF, "Varsity Drag"

And so, dear readers, we come to the end of season two, and the midway point of this entire project. I’ve been thinking about it, recently, and I have a few things I’d like to say about the experiment as a whole, but since Season Two Reviewed is coming up so soon, I think I’ll save it for that.

Before we dig into this — an episode I’ve been looking forward to since we started and the last episode before the precipitous drop in quality that is season three — I do want to make an announcement. Next week there will be no ALF. That’s because next Thursday is the day that The Lost Worlds of Power is finally getting released. So tune in for that. I promise, it’ll be worth postponing the season two bonus features.

After that, we’ll be back to business as usual. A handful of wrap-up articles, and then we dive headlong into the shallow pool that is ALF‘s homestretch.

Also, I will very soon be announcing the details of this year’s Noiseless Chatter Xmas Stream. If you were there last year, thank you. It was a genuinely great time, and I look forward to surpassing it in every possible way this time around. It’s also going to be a charity event benefiting The Trevor Project, so be sure to stop by!

Anyway, “Varsity Drag.” When I first started doing this project, I saw a few plot summaries. Nothing too spoilery, thankfully…just a sentence here or there about the main thrust of an episode. This one stood out to me immediately, because from the very first episode of this show, there’s been a serious logistical concern that’s never been directly addressed: the Tanner family’s finances.

The first thing ALF did on Earth was destroy their garage, and it’s only gotten worse since. Cars have been wrecked, hotels have been burnt down, and the home has been demolished many times over…often deliberately. ALF has been steadily bankrupting these people, whether the show wanted us to notice that fact or not.

And, here’s the thing: that’s okay. I don’t turn on a new episode of ALF and rage myself hoarse over the fact that it doesn’t open with Willie living in a cardboard box. It’s a sitcom, and you expect a certain elasticity. Especially when…y’know…it stars a naked alien that lives in the hamper.

But I’m interested in this, because it’s a legitimate angle for the show to take. 50 episodes in, it’s understandable that fresh ideas are harder to come by. That’s the case even on great shows. So for ALF to stumble upon something that’s not only fresh, but which digs into a largely ignored tension at the very heart of the show, well, that’s really cool.

Los Angeles isn’t a cheap place to live. The Tanners own a large home in what seems to be a quiet and safe part of the city, which implies that they’re paying more than the vast majority of people who share that city with them. On top of that, they’re a single-income family. And on top of that, Willie is a social worker. Social workers are important, and it’s a noble calling. But if you’ve ever known one, you already know that their salaries are insultingly low. In reality, there’s no way that the Tanners could stay afloat with ALF buttfucking all their earthly possessions to hell and back on a weekly basis.

Not that ALF’s drag on the family’s cashflow has never been mentioned before. It has…but only as the setup to a single joke or sequence. It’s never driven an episode the way it promises to here.

I don’t require “reality” in my sitcoms. I require some recognizable conflicts and dynamics. Good writing helps. Good acting helps. Beyond that? Go nuts.

But here the introduction of this “realistic” problem is tantalizing. It feels like “Varsity Drag” means something, and it’s something that’s been building for the past 49 episodes while we weren’t paying attention. It even ties in with something else that feels suspiciously like forward motion: Lynn going to college.

This could be good. And…a lot of it is.

The episode opens with Brian coming home and cheerily greeting ALF, who barely looks up from his reading material to say hi. It’s remarkable how clearly the lack of interest in this kid shines through. Brian all but ignored by ALF in person, and then when ALF looks through the mail he panics on the grounds that Lynn got an acceptance letter from Amherst College in Massachusetts. If Lynn goes there, she won’t be around anymore, and ALF is devastated.

ALF tells all of this to Brian, who stands there quietly absorbing the knowledge that even the lonely spaceman refugee of an extinct civilization wants nothing to do with him.

ALF, "Varsity Drag"

The sight of ALF in a t-shirt and sweater vest is hilarious to me in ways that I can’t even begin to express. He’s doting over Lynn, making sure she understands how sad he will be when she goes away, because the Tanners don’t have any other children. Maybe if they had a son, or something, things would be different. Especially if he was young, because children are full of wonder. It would be easy to forge an exciting relationship. In fact, you’d almost have to work not to. Children are always surprised. Everything’s new to them. An alien playmate from a distant world would be so welcome!

But, alas, it’s not to be. Kate’s womb has shriveled with resentment, and Willie’s penis can only discharge puffs of crack smoke.

A few very nice things happen here. Andrea Elson is still not a great actress by any means, but she’s gotten better at tipping into “very good” territory. Her promise to keep in touch with ALF is adorable, and perfectly in line with the sweet relationship these two passively formed once ALF stopped trying to fuck her. And there’s a little moment of internal giddiness that she plays perfectly when she explains that moving out will allow her to make her own decisions…and her own mistakes.

That’s wonderfully observed. So much of the time, yes, teenagers think they know everything. And that gets them into trouble. But the rest of the time…well, they know they’re getting into trouble, and they do it anyway. Making mistakes is fun. There is a giddiness to it, and coming from a family in which listening to Willie cry himself to sleep qualifies as a hobby, Lynn has a lot to look forward to.

Should she drink too much? Sleep around? Lie about where she’s going? Cheat? Backstab her friends? Slack off on the school work? Spend grocery money on things she doesn’t need?

No, she shouldn’t. And yet…of course she should.

Teens need to make mistakes. Those that don’t…well, they end up making those mistakes as adults, when it’s too late to get away with them.

There needs to be an element of moderation, of course. Lynn waking up with a hangover, for instance, is a mistake…but it’s not as bad as her driving drunk and killing someone. Which is why that level of awareness — and, yes, giddiness — is useful. If she knows she’s making mistakes, she’s aware enough to regulate their severity. She can push the limits of her morals and good sense without pushing the limits of outright stupidity. It’s an important part of growing up, and Lynn barely suppressing her excitement at the fact that she’ll soon get to experience it is one of the highlights of the episode.

Oh, and to go back to the relationship she’s forged with ALF: much like the premise of this episode itself, isn’t it funny how when the writers stop trying to force ideas on the show, something far more natural and enjoyable fills the void?

ALF has potential…it’s just not in the direction the writing staff wants it to be.

ALF, "Varsity Drag"

Willie and Kate come in and shoo ALF out of the room, which is usually the best part of any episode. And, snarky as I meant that to be, it really does lead to a pretty great scene.

They need to talk to Lynn alone, because they have some bad news. No matter how they slice it, they can’t afford to send Lynn away for college.

So much about this exchange is perfect. The way the realization dawns on Andrea Elson before she’s told, causing her to turn slowly away from her parents and retreat inwardly to keep from crying. Willie speaking euphemistically about what drained their finances, even though they all know it’s ALF. Kate explaining that the plan was for her to get a full-time job…until their unexpected house guest showed up and needed ’round-the-clock supervision.

These are things that make sense within the reality of the show. I spoke in the “Tequila” review a few weeks ago about the necessity of contrivance. But whereas “Tequila” contrived a situation by saying “fuck it, who cares” and throwing logic out the window, “Varsity Drag” contrives its situation by linking it up with unexpected answers to questions that we should have been asking all along.

Here, at this point, “Varisty Drag” feels like we’re checking in with a family. We can imagine what this might have been like. There’s no way this financial catastrophe is only being recognized by Willie and Kate right now…but what could they do? Tell her sooner and breed resentment? Or wait and hope that she changes her mind about wanting to travel so far for school?

It’s a question with no right or wrong answer. There was no way to come out of this situation on top, so you can’t fault them. Especially when they don’t beat around the bush. They know this is going to upset their daughter…but they tell her anyway. Flat out. ALF’s name doesn’t get mentioned until she calls them on it, but everything else they tell her is honest and direct. They’re doing the last thing any good parent ever wants to do: admit that they’ve let their child down.

Elson’s performance is marvelous here. The news hit me like a gut punch, not because it was unexpected — I’d read this synopsis, remember — but because I believed that it devastated Lynn. From suppressed giggle to suppressed anger in the space of just a few lines, and Elson actually manages to make us believe in it.

Again, she’s not great, but watching her grow so much as an actress has been one of ALF‘s most consistent pleasures.

ALF, "Varsity Drag"

There’s another great moment toward the end of this scene, when Willie begins with “If it’s any consolation…” and you just know it’s going to be painful.

He tells her that they’ve had a rare, one-of-a-kind opportunity to live with and observe a creature from another world. One of the far too rare acknowledgments of just how fucking batshit nuts the premise of this show is. And it gives Willie a chance to nerd out about it for the first time since…I don’t know. The pilot?

His excitability is palpable…and it overrides his awareness of what his daughter is feeling. There’s no laughter here, which means this is being played straight, and that sells the absurdity even better. This is a painful moment…and “Varsity Drag” is smart enough to let it be painful.

ALF, "Varsity Drag"

At breakfast (or whenthefuckever) the next day (or whenthefuckever) Brian gives a lecture on how to eat an Oreo cookie, so you really know they’ve given up all hope for this kid. There’s a decently funny line when ALF says that twisting to top off and licking up all the gooey stuff is the same method he uses to eat a jar of mayonnaise. What really impresses me is that they take such a throwaway line (funny though it is) and tie it right back into the plot, having Lynn sarcastically highlight this as an example of the great education she’ll get by staying home.

It’s undercut by some more first-draft writing, though. In “I’m Your Puppet” there was this weird moment where it seemed like Willie was supposed to say “packing peanuts” instead of “Styrofoam,” as only the first would make sense in the context of ALF’s joke that they tasted stale.

Here, ALF concludes that everyone’s upset because they want Lynn out of the house, and he asks if it’s because she drinks milk straight out of the carton.

It makes sense, except that throughout the scene, we see Lynn carrying milk in a glass jug.

ALF, "Varsity Drag"

This is the kind of thing that’s likely enough to happen. The writers are doing their thing in one room, and the props department is doing their thing elsewhere. The writers ask for a milk carton, the props department gives them a milk jug. Why not, right? They don’t know there’s a joke relying on it unless they’re told there’s one. And if this lack of second takes and simple rewrites for the sake of continuity tells us anything, it’s that nobody cares enough to get these things right.

Many things could have been done here. Paul Fusco could have changed the word “carton” to “jug” when he said his line. Somebody could have run out for a real carton of milk and swapped out the prop. Or they could have just told Elson not to carry around the jug at all since the joke doesn’t require the visual.

All very simple solutions. And yet, they just keep rolling.

It reminds me of a moment in one of my favorite shows of all time: Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace. It was a parody of poorly-made television, done both lovingly and brilliantly. In one episode, the main character’s superior chastises him and then asks, “Understood?!” The main character sternly replies, “As crystal.”

The joke — not spelled out for the audience — is that the superior got his line wrong, and there was no retake. He was supposed to ask, “Clear?!” But they kept rolling, nobody seemed to notice, and the line that was meant to build upon it was rendered nonsensical.

I am reminded of that moment a lot watching ALF. You get their intentions, much of the time anyway, but the distance between those intentions and the reality of what we’re watching is comically wide. ALF, as much time and agony as it took to make, comes across as hilariously inept. ALF itself is its own best joke.

ALF, "Varsity Drag"

Lynn reiterates her frustrations and storms off, which spurs some nice lament on the part of her parents. It hurts them that they can’t give their daughter what she wants, and there’s a nice dynamic at play here: ALF is the reason they can’t give her what she wants…and they also don’t want to upset ALF.

Put aside the bizarre fact that this, logically, cements ALF as more important to them than their own daughter, and focus only on those points. The ALF writers even at their best aren’t up to the challenge, but that should make for an interesting episode of television. The emotional conflict between letting someone down and trying to avoid letting someone else down would raise the stakes, allowing the jokes to hit harder.

There could also be some fun had with the fact that ALF isn’t quite their child, but they vow not to make the same mistakes with him as they did with Lynn. Again, this show isn’t the one to pull it off, but what a great punchline this episode could have in Willie and Kate scrimping and saving for ALF’s college fund instead.

Whatever. I shouldn’t complain yet, because up to this point, “Varsity Drag” isn’t half bad. It won’t quite remain that way, and the ending is an insultingly massive cop-out, but when even half of an episode of ALF is worth watching, that’s impressive.

ALF starts digging through the budget for the family, which is how he finds out he’s the cash-sink. Kate tells him that the $10,000 expenditure labelled “miscellaneous,” which he directly questions, is what it costs to support him. This leads a nice visual of ALF being taken aback, as well as the first ever good line given to Brian: “I would have guessed higher.”

Then ALF says, “So what you’re saying is…I’m the reason Lynn can’t go away to school.”

And like the pain in Lynn’s bedroom, “Varsity Drag” is smart enough to let this linger. Nobody offers a verbal response at all, which I like well enough. What I like even more is the silently sarcastic “oh well” gesture we get from Kate, immediately before she stands up and walks away:

ALF, "Varsity Drag"

There’s some good acting in this one. I’ll give it that.

Later on ALF summons Willie and Kate the most effective way he knows how: he politely asks where the fire extinguisher is. It’s a good gag, playing into the characterization and moving the plot along.

In fact, this whole first half of “Varsity Drag” just feels so effortless. Like a little bit of magic can seep through when the staff stops trying to force things. Before long we’ll even get to watch it fall apart when they do force something. It’s a pretty striking contrast.

He tells Kate that she will have to get a job, and tells Willie that he’ll need a second one. He even set up an interview for Willie, as a men’s room attendant.

Willie angrily asks, “Do I look like a men’s room attendant?”

To which ALF replies with the last great line in the episode: “No. You look like a Scrubbing Bubble.”

And, dudes, he totally does.

ALF, "Varsity Drag"

Like, that’s a hilarious comparison on its own. But then you realize it actually sort of fits, which is a whole other layer of comedy.

There’s a moment here in which Willie says that nobody’s getting another job, and they’ll just have to make sacrifices. ALF asks if that means they’ll throw him in a volcano, and the joke is that Willie waits too long before saying no.

But it doesn’t really work. Max Wright doesn’t lose himself in consideration the way Anne Schedeen has (such as the scene in “Can I Get a Witness?” when she and ALF lock eyes in what seems almost like a psychological game of chicken). Instead, he just pauses. He knows he’s supposed to wait before delivering his line, so he waits. And that’s all he does. He waits for a while, yes, but since that’s all he does it took me a bit to understand why it was even supposed to be a joke.

ALF suggests getting a job himself, to which Willie replies “Nigga plz.” Then the adults go to bed, secure in the knowledge that leaving ALF alone with the want-ads will lead to no wacky developments whatsoever.

ALF, "Varsity Drag"


Later that night ALF wakes Willie and Kate up to show them the living room, which is full of newspapers. I feel as though ALF leading people into the living room to show off his latest dumbass attack is an unsung hallmark of this show. I know it happened in “Oh, Tannerbaum” with the ruined tannerbaum, and in “We Gotta Get Out of This Place” with the relocated furniture, but I’m sure I’m missing at least a half dozen more examples that I’ve successfully erased from memory.

Willie asks what they’re doing there, and Kate — sagely — says “Let me guess,” correctly positing that ALF has become a paperboy. I like that Kate has become aware of her own show’s wackadoo approach to plot development.

ALF…yeah. Somehow he’s a paperboy with ten paper routes already. And he has all these newspapers even though he can’t leave the house. So I guess somebody just walked into the living room and left this shit here without waking anyone up or seeing ALF. It’s a hell of a leap over several important logical points, but I’ll come to that in a moment.

ALF, "Varsity Drag"

It’s not a great scene by any means, but there are a few cute bits in here. One example is ALF telling Willie that the newspaper company gave him five hundred and one copies by mistake, followed by a conspiratorial little laugh. Another is Kate telling him that he can’t deliver the papers. He replies, “Sure I can! You haven’t seen my throwing arm,” followed immediately by Willie grabbing ALF’s wrist so he can’t demonstrate.

But that’s also where the episode goes off the rails, because next we see…

ALF, "Varsity Drag"

This. And you can feel the writers forcing something that is doomed not to work.

It’s the big setpiece of the episode, dominating the second half, and yet it’s really not that funny. It’s not even that funny an idea. Willie and Kate deliver papers while ALF sits in the back seat cracking jokes? It’s the kind of thing that might have worked as a vague pitch (“How about, I dunno, ALF gets a paper route?”), but by the time someone sits down to type it, it’s painfully apparent that they had no idea where to go from there.

Consequently, a massive chunk of the episode is consumed by watching Kate and Willie cruise around for no actual reason. I’ll say more about this shortly, but for now, I remember a while back that a commenter said that every time we see the Tanners driving around, it takes place at night.

With only one exception (“On the Road Again”), I think he’s been right. It stands out to me, and I’m not sure why they did this. Maybe just because they get to save on the money they would have used to light a daytime set. Whatever it is, it’s odd.

ALF, "Varsity Drag"

So, yeah, the writers take a natural — and overall quite good — narrative, and reduce it to an excuse to get these idiots in car delivering newspapers…even though they don’t have any good jokes to go along with it.

But, unlike last week, I don’t hate it.

I want to take a moment to spotlight this comment left by kim, who might be the only person to have commented on all of my ALF reviews to date. (The rest of you slackers need to catch up, stat.)

ugh. obviously you didn’t get this episode at all.okay, I’ll explain it for you. jake’s graduation party is mentioned because it is party ALF would like to go to, but he can’t because of the fear being seen by the public. ALF gets really bummed about it and finally had enough of hiding, so that we he decided to reveal himself to the world in a press release. the first dream sequence is suppose to be what willie is imaging would happen to ALF if he reveal himself to the public. the second dream sequence is what ALF imagines if he would reveal himself to the public, he thinks he will become famous and host is own talk show I guess? which really would of made better sense if the roles were revised, david letterman was the talk show host and ALF just be the guest host. the point of the documentary with the orangutang was to show ALF would only make things worse for himself if he decided to go public, the orangutang was last of it’s kind and died because it spend the rest of it’s life in captivity without any interaction to the outside world, willie thinks the same thing will happen to ALF once he gets captured by the alien task force. then ALF realizes the big mistake he just made and decide to call off the press release, i think Robin Leach refs to one of the reporters or talk show hosts is was going to meant i guess. ALF becomes depressed because he now realizes he is forever struck to a life of loneliness and isolation and the tanners throw him a surprise party with all his friends to show is not as lonely as he thinks he is. *phew*

And I’ll admit that I was playing up my confusion for the purposes of being funny. “We Are Family” was a shitty episode, but I understood its theme, and I saw it carry through the episode.

The reason I was being so snarky and hard on it was…well, read that comment. That comment is a summary, and it’s still absurdly long. Even poor kim has to take a breath after getting through it.

I don’t hold this comment up to laugh at it. Not at all. It’s a valid comment, but I do think it unintentionally illustrates the problem with that episode. While its main theme was clear, its method of exploring that theme was preposterous.

There’s no reason for a simple “ALF is lonely” concept to incorporate hallucinations of government custody, interviews with Sandy Duncan, and Ugandan orangutan documentaries. These are disparate pieces forced to serve the hazy idea of a plot, as opposed to natural outgrowths of what we’re watching.

So, yeah. I’m aware that ALF was sad, and I can make an argument for how all of that might — in some distant way — tie into that theme. But “Varsity Drag” shows us how it should actually be done.

As much of a letdown as the second half of this episode is (enough of one that I’m going on this rant instead of even talking about it), the theme is explored through natural, identifiable progression:

Lynn is accepted to college. Lynn is excited about it. The family can’t afford to send her, because ALF’s drained their finances. ALF feels bad, so he gets a job to make up the difference.

That’s every plot beat. Kim’s comment above contains every plot beat of “We Are Family,” but, by contrast, it’s far longer, and any given part of it needs an explanation of how it ties into what the fucking episode is about. If you need that many plot beats in a half-hour sitcom, you’re not telling a story; you’re just showing us a bunch of stuff.

“Varsity Drag” has no such issues. It has other issues, but as far as organic plot development goes, it’s perfect. Even the throwaway jokes tie, for the most part, into its theme. We don’t need to be reminded about what we’re watching, because the episode never forgets it.

That’s why I’m so hard on episodes like “We Are Family” and “Strangers in the Night.” This isn’t a great show, but it certainly doesn’t need to slide so deeply into incompetence. Whether it’s funny or not, it has every ability to tell a coherent story, and I don’t think that’s too much to ask from it, either.

ALF, "Varsity Drag"

The only delivery that matters at all is the final one, to Mrs. Ochmonek, who catches Kate dropping it off. She comes out and tells her with a tone of serious concern that she didn’t know the Tanners were so hard up for money. Kate says that they’re just trying to earn a little extra money to send Lynn to college, but Mrs. Ochmonek is still worried, and offers the Tanners a place to stay if things get worse.

In the next scene, she comes over with canned goods to help them out financially. It’s a big joke to the show, because Mrs. Ochmonek is such a stupid busybody!!!

And yet, once again, when’s the last time the Tanners have done anything nice for anyone? Willie’s a social worker, but the Ochmoneks seem to be the only ones who care about their fellow man. He wouldn’t save them from a burning building, but they’ll drop everything at any time of day to bring the Tanners food if they think they need it.

ALF, "Varsity Drag"

It’s even more nice of them when you remember that the Ochmoneks have never been portrayed as well-off. To give away a box of food is probably a grander gesture for them than it would be for most families.

And yet we’re supposed to side with the Tanners, who look through the shitty selection of cocktail onions and chickpeas, and snicker and guffaw and say THOSE FUCKIN TARDS.

The show has no idea what it’s doing. I’ve used the Flanders family as a counterexample before, and I’ll use them again now. Only in rare cases was the joke on the Flanders family. More often, the joke was that Homer hated them so much in spite of what great neighbors they were. If Ned was ever the butt of a joke (at least in the golden years) it was because he was too much of a pushover, or too devoted to his religion. Neither of those things, it’s important to note, are inherently bad things. That’s why, most of the time, he and his family were able to serve as model citizens…much to Homer’s undeserved chagrin. That’s funny.

ALF wants us to think of the Ochmoneks as the neighbors from hell, but they are inadvertently painting the Tanners with that brush. These are the people we’re supposed to identify with: these people who laugh and tease and put down those who step in to help them. We’re not meant to identify with Homer when he’s mean to Ned; we’re meant to laugh at him. Here, we are asked to identify with the people being so rude and dismissive.

And that’s massive shitness.

Not quite as shit as the end of the episode, in which everything is wrapped up with Lynn saying, “Fuck it, I don’t need to go to Amhert, I don’t know what came over me, I was totally riding the cotton dildo.” Then they all hug and fuck it.

ALF, "Varsity Drag"

In the short scene before the credits ALF makes a joke about eating the cat.

It’s a shame to see such a great opening half fall apart so catastrophically. And, yet, it does follow a kind of internal logic. The resolution is a bit pat, but we get a sense that Lynn’s flattered enough by what her family did (worked for like, two hours, yippee shit) that it’s put some things into perspective for her. It’s only a sense, as the episode doesn’t leave it any room to breathe. Much better to eat up all that time of Willie and Kate pretending to drive while ALF babbles nonsense at the back of their heads.

The plot, unlike last week, holds together. It’s just a shame that the writing, by contrast, falls apart. It’d odd to look at the first half of this episode, and then the second, and believe that they came from the same show, but, again, I’ll take half a good episode than the wall to wall garbage we usually get.

And that, my friends, brings us to the end of season two. Join me soon for the recap…before we trudge on into murky depths of season three.

I can’t thank you enough for sticking with me through the first half of this project. May the second half be even better. I love you all.

MELMAC FACTS: On Melmac, $10k could support a family of four for one year. Willie went to Amherst, and judging by some lines in “Tequila” we can conclude that Kate went there as well.

Prior to the release of The Lost Worlds of Power, each author selected for inclusion will be given the floor. I’ve asked them to talk about themselves, their approach to the project, and anything else they’d like to say up front. I’ve also asked them to avoid spoilers, so have no fear of those. Anyway, week nine: R J Burgess, author of “Milon’s Secret Castle.”

R J BurgessLiterally everything I know about the NES game Milon’s Secret Castle comes from the Angry Video Game Nerd. I’m ashamed to say that despite owning every Nintendo console ever released in Europe, I never actually owned, or even so much as played, a copy of the game I eventually decided to write a novella about.

In fact, I didn’t even know Milon’s Secret Castle was a thing until I was already laughing my head off at it on YouTube. And yet, when the Lost Words of Power competition came up last year, it was one of the first games to spring to mind.

“Why’s that,” you ask? Well, before I give you an answer to that burning question, let me first introduce myself a little.

I’m an English teacher by trade. Born and raised in the south of England, I’ve spent the last five years living and working in Wroclaw, Poland, as the Director of Studies at a private language school.

Now, admittedly, I’m unlikely to go down in history as one of the greatest English teachers of all time – there are people at my school who are better than I could ever hope to be – but I guarantee you’d be hard-pressed to find someone more passionate on the subject than I am.

You see, I am what we call in the trade, a “Professional Grammar Nazi.” You know the type of person I’m talking about. The sort of guy who trolls the comments section on YouTube correcting people for getting their “your” and “you’re” mixed up. The type of person who gets annoyed when he sees a typo in a magazine. The type you would never want to invite to a party but who you always make sure to include on your “phone a friend” list when going on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. In short, I’m a typical English teacher and I’m proud of that fact.

Milon's Secret CastleI’m also a huge fan of gaming – Nintendo gaming in particular.

Now, I don’t know about you guys, but when I’m interested in something, I like to explore that thing in more detail. I like to try and understand everything I can on the subject. To turn it on its head and look at it from all sorts of strange angles to see if I can get my head around it. Then – most importantly – I love to show other people what I’ve found and get them interested in it too.

So it is with gaming.

For example, I once designed a two-hour English lesson based around the game Earthbound. During the lesson we looked at the various in-game items like the Eraser Eraser, and tried to understand why such puns worked in English and how they were changed from the original Japanese. I then challenged my students to make similar puns from Polish to English and in this way we were able to explore the various parts of speech (verb, noun, adjective, etc.) and see just how flexible these things are in English compared with other languages.

Another time, I made a lesson based around the internet meme “all your base are belong to us” from the opening to Zero Wing. I showed my students the cut scene in question and then tried to get them to explain why the English was so broken in the first place and what they thought the writers were actually trying to say. In this way, we were able to explore the translation process from beginning to end and my students came out of the lesson more aware of the impact their mistakes can have on a native English speaker if they’re not careful with their word choice.

Those are just a couple of examples of how I try to combine my various passions in life, but hopefully it gives you some idea of what I’m talking about here. When things are interesting to me, I try to make them interesting to other people and in this way we all learn something together.

Milon's Secret CastleAnd so we return to Milon’s Secret Castle

Again, you ask me: “So what was it that fascinated you so much about this game? Good God man you can’t honestly be standing here accusing this game of being badly translated! It was made by Hudson Soft for crying out loud and those guys made some pretty darn solid games back in the day before they…you know…”

Well, my grammatically mal-informed friend, I’ll tell you.

I hated the game’s title.

Everything about it was wrong. First of all, calling the castle “Milon’s” is a complete lie. If you actually read the game’s backstory (and really, why wouldn’t you?) you’d see that the castle actually belongs to some stupid princess who’s been captured by an evil wizard or something equally generic.

“So,” you say, “Maybe a better name would have been Milon and the Secret Castle – you know, get that whole Harry Potter-style naming convention going on there.”

And I would say that’s a good idea…except that that, too, is a lie.

Why? Because nothing about the castle is actually a secret! Never mind the fact that we already know where the castle is. Never mind the fact that we already know who it belongs to and who is trapped inside it. Never mind the thousands of monsters living there calling it a home and the evil wizard to whom this castle is not exactly a complete mystery.

No, the biggest problem here is that this castle contains shops – plural – and where there are shops, you are inevitably going to find customers, since secret shops tend not to survive very long in today’s competitive market.

Milon's Secret CastleThey wouldn’t just need customers, either. Those shops are going to need things to sell too, meaning wholesalers and delivery companies, not to mention the countless bureaucrats that would need to know about it. They’d have the health and safety people coming over to check on their fire escapes. They’d have tax auditors writing to them twice a year to make sure all their paperwork was up to date.

They would need to advertise themselves too. There would be billboards and radio ads blitzing the local area. Next to the roadside you’d find great big signs saying things like “Milon’s Not-so Secret Castle Next Left: why not try our new spring shoes!”

In short, this castle that definitely isn’t Milon’s is as much a “secret” as the fucking Tower of London.

Do you see what I mean? Milon’s Secret Castle and Milon and the Castle of Secrets are such diametrically opposed concepts for a video game that I’m honestly flabbergasted the good people at Hudson didn’t notice it long before they decided to plaster it all over their box art. Those poor grammatically misguided fools…

So anyway, I was ranting about this situation to my wife one afternoon (my wife, it should be noted, is an extraordinarily long-suffering woman who has long since learned to put up with my nerdy BS for the sake of her sanity) when I suddenly realised, “Hey, you know what? There’s a story in here somewhere!”

Milon's Secret CastleAnd so, it turned out, there was.

I hope you enjoy it. If nothing else, I hope it’ll teach you something about the importance of using the right words in the right order at the right time and the terrible things that can happen to you (and to Hudson Soft) if you fail to do so.

If, after reading it, you’re interested in checking out more of my stories and random ramblings about the many things that annoy and fascinate me in life, check out my blog at I guarantee there’ll be something there that will either interest or annoy you.

–RJ Burgess

Lost Worlds of Power
Mark your calendars. (And erase all the previous marks I told you to make.) The Lost Worlds of Power will be released as a free ebook download on Thursday, November 27.

It’s been a while. And it will have been worth it. Thank you all for your patience. I may have an additional reward for that patience, since I know this has been frustrating.

Stay tuned.

ALF, "We Are Family"

You might remember in my review for “Tequila” that I said the next episode was one I’ve been looking forward to for a long time, but that was bullshit because I’m an idiot. I have no clue what “We Are Family” is about. The one I was thinking of is “Varsity Blues,” which comes next. I’m kind of disappointed, because I wanted to end the season on some kind of ridiculous nonsense instead of one I’m predisposed to enjoy. WOE IS ME

My confusion actually carries through much of the first scene, because Willie is discussing the very issue I’m looking forward to being addressed in “Varsity Blues”: the fact that ALF muthafuckin bankrupts these idiots.

Granted, the dialogue doesn’t get quite that far, but when an episode opens with Willie chiding ALF for racking up a $300 phone bill…well, that seems like a pretty good ingress to dealing with the larger financial problem. It’s not, though. It’s the opening to an irrelevant episode about Jake. Remember him? He’s like Brian, only he has a personality, character traits, and the writers only have to pay him when he has something to do.

Whatever. We’ll deal with that later. Right now we’re covering the phone bill, which is so high because of all the phone sex ALF has been having with Lynn. Then there’s the matter of additional fees for all the photos of his junk he’s been FedEx-ing to Brian. Really this crap is just killing time until the Ochmoneks come over, which is fine, because I actually like them.

I can’t get over how much Mr. Ochmonek has grown on me as a character. Granted, it might be some form of desperation, like in those old cartoons with two characters starving to death in a lifeboat, and to each other they each look like big turkey legs. I’m dying for something to enjoy consistently, so I start salivating whenever I see Porkchop Ochmonek.

I don’t know. I think he’s funny. They come over to invite the Tanners to Jake’s graduation party, and they’re excited because he finished the eighth grade after only one year. “He’s so smart, it’s scary!” Mr. Ochmonek says, and it’s actually a good line.

Jack LaMotta doesn’t get much to do with Mr. Ochmonek, but he makes his lines count. We then get a nice moment when he asks Willie to répondez s’il vous plaît, which I fucking love because Mr. O — with his master’s degree in Art History — isn’t entirely the uncultured boob he seems to be. He’s got a little more going on beneath the surface, even if he doesn’t realize that himself, and I think that’s great. The fact that he didn’t just say “R.S.V.P.,” or “So are you comin’ or what?” doesn’t quite qualify as a joke. It’s funny, but it’s funny because it’s an unexpected reveal of character.

Starving in a lifeboat or not, I’ll take moments like that anytime.

Also, note that the Ochmoneks are inviting the Tanners to one of their family events. This season alone the Tanners hosted a Halloween party and a wedding without inviting the Ochmoneks, who live right next door and probably have to deal with the noise and all the extra cars. In the review for “Something’s Wrong With Me,” ALF analyst Mark Moore left a comment saying that it was understandable that the Ochmoneks wouldn’t be invited to the wedding, as they really had nothing to do with the couple. Which, unquestionably, is true. And yet, the Tanners have nothing to do with Jake. ALF seems to have a relationship with him, but, obviously, the Ochmoneks don’t know that, and ALF, just as obviously, isn’t invited.

The Ochmoneks are inviting the Tanners because that’s the polite thing to do. These people are happy to invite the Tanners, just for the sake of offering. The Tanners wouldn’t be caught dead wishing the Ochmoneks a merry Christmas, let alone inviting them to one of their social functions.

Remind me. Again. Who the bad neighbors are supposed to be.

ALF, "We Are Family"

After the credits Willie comes into the kitchen, and ALF scolds him, asking him if he ignored the sign on the door. It reads GENIUS AT WORK. Willie then strolls over to ALF and says, “I’m sorry. I didn’t make the connection.”

This is another one of my favorite things about the show: Max Wright being given a laugh line that the editors purposefully withhold laughter from.

It’s an odd kind of bleed from the on-set political conflict, and it’s so easily apparent because the show has a laugh track. When an audience response — and the length of that audience response, and the enthusiasm of that audience response — can be controlled with a dial, it means that whenever an actor delivers a line like this without getting a response, it’s a clear and deliberate “fuck you.”

Max Wright was vocal in his irritation that ALF got all of the best lines for himself, while all Willie got to do was walk back and forth shaking his head. So, here, he gets to crack a joke.

I love moments like these, because they reveal a lot about what working on ALF must have been like. Complain enough, and you’ll be given a laugh line to shut you up. Of course, in the edit they won’t paste any actual laughter after it, which will just make you look like even more of a lame idiot to the viewers at home.

It’s a way to get the actors to clam up on set without anyone at home having to believe there’s somebody else on the show as funny as ALF. I sure wonder why everybody hated working with Paul Fusco.

It’s even expanded upon as Willie tries to get ALF to laugh at his joke, and ALF just shrugs him off and says, “Yeah yeah.” You’re not the star, Willie. You’re lucky we even pay you. Now be quiet and let the people enjoy the puppet.

ALF, "We Are Family"

ALF explains that he’s writing a press release. He’s decided to reveal himself to the world so that he no longer has to be in hiding.

Willie, understandably, craps himself.

He’s upset because ALF seems to have forgotten that the government will scoop him up the moment he dangles his face-phallus in public. It’s hard to blame ALF, though, since the show itself also seems to forget this very often. At this point, I honestly think that the number of characters on this show who have seen ALF is larger than the number of characters who haven’t.

But Willie’s impassioned explanation of ALF’s possible fate at the hands of the Alien Task Force (or, as he calls them, “The Government,” because none of the writers can remember what they called the organization) leads to a clip from the forthcoming Project: ALF.

ALF, "We Are Family"

Man I am not looking forward to Project: ALF.

Anyway, it’s an odd fantasy sequence that goes on a lot longer than I would have expected. I guess the writers had some jokes about ALF being in government custody, but didn’t want to actually write an episode in which that was the case. Which, hey, fine. But I’d much prefer a full-length fantasy episode with ALF awakening from this nightmare at the end.

I know, that’s corny, but at least “title character is captured by show’s villain” would be a fantasy episode that had something to do with ALF‘s premise. So far the ones we’ve gotten have been about Kate running for president and a visit to Gilligan’s Island.

This seems like it should play a bit like a Family Guy cutaway. Get there, tell your joke, get out. Instead, we get a protracted sequence of ALF shocking himself by pushing buttons, making jokes about how he hates celery, and then the introduction of a guest character. Which, again, since this is an irrelevant fantasy inserted into the show because Jake’s graduation party is far from adequate material for a full-length plot, is fucking crazy.

Who cares about the fake scientist who doesn’t even exist in the show’s reality? I have hard enough time caring about most of the characters who do. Why am I spending time with this deformed guy?

ALF, "We Are Family"

Like, he actually is deformed. He’s some guy who’s been in a crapload of horror movies, but in this case, why is ALF fantasizing that he’s going to be captured by a guy who can’t grow hair or teeth? Why that specific detail? What’s even the point of this? Nothing horrific is happening…ALF is just fantasizing some shitty dialogue for him and this imaginary scientist to shoot back and forth.

What the hell is going on?

If I’d gone for a bathroom break and came back to find that the Jake’s Graduation episode had somehow become the ALF’s Vivisection episode, I’d have been a confused little boy.

ALF, "We Are Family"

Actually, I’m no less confused as a big boy. What the fuck is this episode? We’re nearing the halfway point, and I couldn’t tell you. ALF racked up a huge phone bill, so it’s time for Jake to graduate, therefore ALF considers writing a press release about himself, and he daydreams about being held captive in a government testing facility.

This…I don’t know, guys. I feel like I’m having a stroke. Nothing here has any connection to anything else.

At least we’re back in the Tanner kitchen. That will give me a chance to reorient myself. ALF’s at his typewriter, Willie’s in his fishing vest, and…

ALF, "We Are Family"


Now ALF is hosting a talk show.

What the actual what fucking what.

What is this episode? He’s on the old David Letterman set, which makes sense, as at this point in time Letterman was still hosting Late Night on NBC. In case you forgot, that’s ALF‘s network. The fact that Letterman himself doesn’t appear goes a long way toward demonstrating his excellent taste in entertainment.

ALF makes some dumbass jokes about eating cats because he’s ALF and ALF eats cats. Then we…



ALF, "We Are Family"

Willie is dressed like Paul Shaffer, hamming it up while some actual musician in the background wishes he didn’t need the extra income so badly.

The weird thing is that Max Wright does an actual impression of Shaffer, which itself gave me gallstones, yes, but the reason it’s weird is that he thanks ALF for hiring him after firing Shaffer.




If Willie isn’t ALF’s fantasy version of Shaffer — and in fact just replaced a version of Shaffer that already existed in this fantasy — shouldn’t Willie still be Willie?

Why is he talking and dressing and acting like Shaffer?

Why is this on television?

Why is any of this happening?

Happy graduation, Jake! I hope you enjoy this series of disconnected bullshit!

Then ALF introduces Sandy Duncan, who comes out and my fucking Christ this is awful.

ALF, "We Are Family"

So, recap: ALF made too many calls. Jake is graduating from eighth grade. ALF is considering writing a press release. ALF is flayed alive by the government. ALF is hosting Late Night. Got that?

Now Sandy Duncan turns up to promote Valerie’s Family.

Like…actually promote it. They talk about the actual show, including the recent plot development of a major character dying, and it seemed pretty fucking incongruous until I looked it up and saw that, at the time, Valerie’s Family was airing right after ALF.

I remember a lot of old shows used to have an actor, in character, say something like, “And now stay tuned for…!” over the end credits, which was a pretty corny way of implying endorsement, but I can understand it.

I don’t often remember the star of a show popping up in the previous one to plead with someone, anyone, to stick around and watch it.

Valerie’s Family now is barely remembered. When it is, it’s mainly due to the fact that it featured a young Jason Bateman. During its fairly short lifespan it actually went through three title changes. Valerie, Valerie’s Family, and The Hogan Family. I barely remember the show existing, so I guess cramming one of its stars into the second throwaway fantasy sequence of an instantly forgettable episode of ALF somehow failed to launch it into the public consciousness.

Then we get a commercial, and I have to admit, it’s perfectly placed. I certainly can’t guess what happens next.

ALF, "We Are Family"

When we come back, ALF is dressed as who cares. He called a press conference, and the family just sits around bitching about how boned they are.

Instead of, you know, calling the reporters or whatever and saying it was a hoax and they’re very sorry.

Or stabbing ALF to death with a corkscrew.

Willie then comes in with a documentary about a Ugandan orangutan, and puts it in the VCR. I was seriously afraid we’d get another fantasy sequence with the Tanners playing the roles of zoo animals. See what you’ve done to me, “We Are Family”?


ALF, "We Are Family"

Oh good. We actually get to watch it.

This episode is such a stitched together mess, I can’t even believe it. Way back in the second episode, “Strangers in the Night,” I had similar concerns. But, well…it was the second episode. At this point? There’s no excuse.

The narrator of the documentary we’re watching for no fucking reason explains that the orangutan was captured and felt so sad that it died of loneliness.

We actually just watch and hear a clip from a nature documentary. Why is this happening?

When it’s over, the Tanners repeat for us everything we’ve just heard, but at greater length to make sure we understand that ALF is totally like that orangutan, you guys.

What the shit happened to Jake’s graduation party? WHAT THE SHIT HAPPENED TO ANYTHING

Also the Tanners keep pronouncing “orangutan” as “a-rang-a-tang” and I’m starting to understand why Elvis shot his television.

Some reporter shows up, Kate tells him to piss off, and he leaves. Wow. They’re really committed to making sure nothing at all happens in this episode, aren’t they?

ALF then pops up through the plot window and says, sadly, “If Robin Leach calls back, just say ‘ALF who.'” Then the sad music plays and there’s no laughter, so I guess the audience is being asked to weep at a reference to Robin Leach. I can safely say ALF is the only show in history to attempt that.

ALF, "We Are Family"

Willie goes into his bathroom to take a shit, but his shy colon refuses to cooperate while ALF’s eating in the tub. ALF asks Willie how the graduation party was and Willie says fine.


That’s it? It’s over? I thought that was the whole point of this episode. It happened off camera? Why did we even have to hear about it? What function did it play at all? Sure, it told us that Jake is graduating from eighth grade. But, if that’s the case, doesn’t that mean Brian and Lynn are graduating from their respective grades, too?

Why are the Ochmoneks throwing a party for their nephew, but the Tanners don’t give enough of a shit to throw one for either of their own children? WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS EPISODE.

The scene ends, but not before we get the great joke that ALF ate Willie’s soap and as a result filled the tub up with a stream of unstoppable feces.

ALF, "We Are Family"

Kate tells ALF to stop wallowing in his own soapy excrement because she wants to take a bath, and when he comes into the living room everyone yells surprise.



Please. Fucking. God.


It’s a surprise party for ALF.


Jodie is there. And Dr. Dykstra.


Please don’t do this to them. Please. Please don’t put them in this episode. They don’t deserve this. Take me instead.

ALF, "We Are Family"

Kate Sr. and Jake are here too. Everyone’s trying to cheer ALF up by showing him that his world isn’t as limited as he thinks he is, which definitely feels like a resolution to an episode, but not one that saw ALF interviewing Sandy Duncan on Late Night.

This does, however, accomplish something that I like. It shows that ALF has a circle of friends. That’s something I didn’t realize, and which I don’t think the show realized, until this moment.

Usually he encounters these people one by one. Which, of course, is fine. But it contributes to a feeling of isolation that isn’t actually the case. These people can come over and keep him company any time.

It’s also telling that the Tanners didn’t invite the Mexican kid from “Border Song” or the forgotten little girl ALF promised never to forget from the Christmas special. Probably the two people who would most like to see ALF again, and who would actually benefit from having a friend themselves.

But, eh, fuck em. As long as ALF is happy, right?

You may notice something strange about these four guests. Kate Sr., Jake, Dr. Dykstra, and Jodie. One of these things, as they say, is not like the others.

Jodie is the only one who doesn’t know ALF is an alien. So what, exactly, does she think is going on here? As far as she knows, he’s just some short old guy. Isn’t she a little curious as to why they’re all there?

The others know that he’s the last of his species and can’t leave the house. Jodie doesn’t know any of that. Potentially, this could turn into a horrific situation in which a blind woman flees the house into oncoming traffic. But the Tanners didn’t bother to think about that. So fuck her, too.

ALF, "We Are Family"

Surprisingly, the show did think about it, and it leads to the best part of the episode. Jodie makes a joke about ALF’s ratty sweater, and everyone laughs. Then Dr. Dykstra does something very human: he makes awkward conversation with the person he’s stuck sitting next to at the party. Without anything else to say to Kate, he says, “She thinks ALF’s fur is a sweater.”

The look of panic in Kate’s eyes is perfect, and also very human. She pulls him aside and explains that Jodie doesn’t know ALF’s an alien, which you’d think would be a pretty fucking great reason not to invite her to this FEEL BETTER ALIEN party.

Sadly, it doesn’t go any further than this. Dr. Dykstra apologizes for having told Jodie earlier about the time ALF ate a tennis racket because he misunderstood the concept of catgut, and that’s that.

It’s a shame, because there are at least a few great episode ideas in here. The party of ALF’s friends could have fleshed out a nice 30 minutes itself, especially if we got to see some old familiar faces while we’re there. Jodie finding out ALF is an alien should also be a fun — and, let’s face it, inevitable — storyline. Or maybe even when that reporter showed up and Kate shooed him away, he caught a glimpse of ALF through the window, snapped a picture, and now there’s a media circus the Tanners have to deal with.

Any of that is better than watching a nature documentary with fucking Willie.

ALF, "We Are Family"

The Ochmoneks come over looking for Jake, dressed up because they always go dancing on Saturday nights. That’s sweet. When, exactly, is the last time Willie did anything nice for Kate? Or, to be honest, vice versa?

This is why I am willing to believe the Ochmoneks are in love. They have a history. They make each other laugh. They spend time together. Willie and Kate are barely roommates.

ALF hides in the kitchen when the neighbors come over, as usual. Jodie asks why, which is a great question, so Willie knocks her unconscious with a wrench.

The Ochmoneks are hurt because the Tanners had a party without inviting them, but that’s okay, because the episode’s almost over and it’s not like their feelings matter anyway. It turns into a joke about how this is a Tupperware party and the Ochmoneks are cheap. It’s as fitting an ending as anything could possible be for this barely coherent mess of an episode.

I know what you’re thinking. “Did this episode really end before we got to listen to Willie and Kate Sr. perform a duet?”

ALF, "We Are Family"

Don’t worry, brother. The pre-credits tag has you covered. Willie tickles the ivories while Kate Sr. bleats out an abbreviated cover of “The Band Played On.” It’s a well-deserved slap in the nuts for anyone who wasn’t smart enough to change the channel well before we got to this point.

I still have no idea what the fuck I just watched. If any of you can tell me, I’ll be forever in your debt.

One more episode. Then we move on to season three. Which, by all accounts, is worse than season two.

Personally, I don’t know how they could top this.

MELMAC FACTS: On Melmac ALF was considered above-average, though they did grade on a curve. Whatever any of that is supposed to mean. When Melmacians are depressed they eat more (with their “spare stomachs” opening up to accommodate the extra food), and gravitate toward cheap imitation porcelain.

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