Listen: IT IS ME

ALF, "I've Got a New Attitude"

I know I said I wasn’t going to write about ALF anymore, but I wrote this one with my mouth so I think that’s okay!

There’s a group of folks reviewing ALF, as far as I can tell coincidentally, in an episode-by-episode podcast. It’s called ALF is Back…in Pod Form, which is such a good title I plagiarized it three years ago!!!!

No, it’s a coincidence, obviously, and it points to just how infrequent references to ALF are in popular culture. When you need one…man, it’s slim pickings.

Anyway, they’re dissecting the show on their own, and I was asked to participate. I said no, of course. But I accidentally typed “yes,” and here we are.

They’re about halfway through season one, which means they have no idea what they’re in for, the poor, innocent children. I was invited to join their discussion about “I’ve Got a New Attitude,” which, if I remember correctly, was fucking garbage.

You can check out this episode of the podcast here, and if you’re (for some odd reason) looking for continuing ALF coverage to fill the emptiness in your soul, you should like it, subscribe to it, radiogram up it, or however the fuck podcast stuff works.

I’ll be honest…I’m not a huge podcast fan. I don’t understand them. The format is strange to me. And you need to like…talk. And reveal your idiocy. You can’t hide behind text you’ve worried to death.

So I’m probably not the most dynamic guy on Earth, and I apologize in advance for putting you to sleep if you listen to podcasts while operating your forklift.

But, on the bright side, it’s not the Philip J Reed show, and I tried not to step too much on their conversation. (For god’s sake, if you want to know what I think about the episode, I wrote six fucking novels about it.) I did end up talking an awful lot about serial killers, though…so there’s that.

Some of us were made for speaking. I was definitely made for writing. But it was still a lot of fun to participate, and maybe I’ll drop in again. You know…if they don’t all find better things to do with their time.

Breaking News: Podcast to Launch in 2007

These are the days of miracle and wonder.

Some of you may remember my original site, which was located at I’m not hyperlinking that because 1) it hasn’t been there for years and 2) it seems to intermittently become a porn site.

It was…different. Like Noiseless Chatter in some ways, probably, but I was also blogging much more regularly about myself. I’d post writing and some other projects, but it was mainly a livejournal writ large. In short if you weren’t around for it, you didn’t miss much.

There was one feature, though, that came together right at the end of that site’s life, way back in 2007: a podcast.

(That’s a period-appropriate photo of in the header, by the way. Man, I look great when you can’t see me at all.)

Only two episodes were produced, and I lost the files at some point since then. In my mind, they were great. I’d think back on them and genuinely wish I’d kept doing them.

The concept, originally, was to have talented folks “perform” excerpts from novels. This proved pretty difficult for various reasons I would honestly only bore you to list here.

Ultimately, though, I came up with what I feel was a much better evolution of the idea: everyone would perform monologues written by me.

That would help in terms of having a consistent voice and artistic direction, as well as helping me tailor themes to each installment. I also wanted a hand-picked spacey soundtrack, with each monologue performed over either long instrumental passages or unsettling, jolting loops. I wanted comedy as dark as I could write it, which, looking back, was a bit cheap…or would have been, if the material hadn’t been elevated by the absolutely stellar roster of performers I brought together.

I remember wanting a very, very specific atmosphere for these…I wanted to create this little sonic universe for people to inhabit for half an hour at a time. In my mind, in the past, so long ago…I did that.

At least, I assumed I did. The files were gone, and my memory was all I had.

Friend of the website (and the webmaster) Austin Ross happened to have both podcasts after all this time, and he sent them to me today. I’ve uploaded them for your listening enjoyment. (Or…not.)

And, honestly? These have held up pretty damned well. If anything, they’re better and more cohesive than I remember them being. Of course, you might hate them. By all means, hate the hell out of them.

I remember the very last email I got while that site was still in operation; a school girl was asking for permission to perform the “Photographer” monologue I’d written. I don’t remember the context. I don’t know if it was part of larger show or simply as an audition piece. I definitely gave her my blessing. I wish I could have seen it. Being asked that question was easily one of the most flattering moments of my creative life.

These have me thinking about starting it up again properly. I have no idea how frequently I’d produce them, but is there any interest in a podcast that makes you want to kill yourself? LET ME KNOW.

(Seriously, though…let me know what you think.)

And does anyone want these in mp3 format? I can upload those, too. I have no idea what podcasts are.

Podcast #1: LOVE


  • “Julia” – Medeski, Martin, Scofield and Wood / Fund Raising – James Lawless
  • “Assassination of the Sun” – The Flaming Lips
  • “Amnesia” – David Byrne / Overpopulation – Andrew Edmark
  • “Something for Rockets” – The Benevento Russo Duo / To Kiss a Girl Like That – James Bleeker
  • “Wot’s…Uh the Deal?” – Pink Floyd / Entrapment – Philip J Reed

All monologues written by Philip J Reed with improvisation by their respective performers.

Podcast #2: DEATH


  • “I Know It’s True But I’m Sorry to Say” – Violent Femmes / John Lennon – Austin Ross
  • “Albert” – Phish / Never Told My Mother I Loved Her – Philip J Reed
  • “It’s a Bit of a Pain” – Faust
  • “Song For Guy” – Elton John / Choking – Jonathan Capps
  • “Golden Hours” – Brian Eno / Photographer – April Cowgill

All monologues written by Philip J Reed with improvisation by their respective performers.