Noiseless Chatter

Connecting the Dots with Margot Tenenbaum

Well, the holidays have kind of snuck up on me, and because of that (and the fact that I’m traveling) I don’t have a Steve Zissou Saturdays installment ready to go. But I did rewatch The Royal Tenenbaums last night, and I do have something I found really interesting that I hope will make for a decent substitute.

I don’t know how many times I’ve seen The Royal Tenenbaums. It has to be at least 30 times, and yet I’m still finding new things, every single time I watch the film. Usually it ends up being something to do with Richie, Chas or Royal, as I end up paying a little more attention to them than I do to the other characters.

This last time, however, I noticed some brilliantly subtle layering in the development of Margot, and that’s what I wanted to share here.

Each of the Tenenbaum children self-destructs in their own time, and in their own way. For Chas, it comes a year before the start of the film, when his wife is killed in a plane crash. For Richie, his meltdown occurs a good way into his professional tennis career, and then, obviously, he hits another low point after discovering Margot’s past.

Margot’s descent into self-destruction begins much, much earlier in her life. A private investigator even assembles a file documenting her descent, and it begins at age 12, with her buying a pack of cigarettes.

Her smoking — and her secrecy about it — is alluded to throughout the film as a pivotal stage in her self-destruction. The fact that it’s the first entry in her dossier would seem to support that, as would the fact that it’s brought up in the opening narration, also identifying it as beginning when she was 12.

However that in itself seems rather small in the face of the romantic, artistic, sexual and even physical self-destruction that follows. In fact, it’s so small that the significance both the film and the characters attach to it qualifies as a joke in itself.

But while it doesn’t appear in the background file montage, we do get a scene in the opening sequence of Margot one year prior: the night of her eleventh birthday.

Chronologically speaking, this is actually the first sign we get of the unraveling to come. Yet despite what the film frames as the most important moment at the party — Royal insulting the play she stages with her two brothers — there’s something else that suggests very directly the deliberate self destruction to come: the play itself.

Of course, we don’t see much of it. In fact, all we see is the curtain call, with the three Tenenbaum children on stage, in costume.

Afterward, during Royal’s dismissal of the play — and his adopted daughter — we see that it was Margot who played the zebra. In the curtain call, and again here when she stands up, we see bullet holes and fake blood on the costume. One of these wounds is directly over the heart — Margot’s heart — which implies strongly that the shooting was fatal.

Margot literally cast herself in her own play as the figure that gets destroyed. But so what, right? As Royal points out — callously — it’s just a bunch of kids in animal costumes. It can’t be worth reading any more deeply into that. Perhaps Margot cast herself as the zebra because it had the most important lines, or was the central character, or to best showcase her talent in front of her family on her birthday.

But, no. Not quite.

Earlier in the opening sequence we see Margot at a typewriter, working on a script. And what’s that on her wallpaper?

The zebras are all around her. Throughout the film we can see them from almost every angle in her room; it’s Margot’s symbol. The zebras surround her and watch over her while she writes, while she reads the works of other successful playwrights, while she dreams, and while she does anything at all. The door to her room is always closed, with many locks and KEEP OUT signs, suggesting that she spends as much time in there, alone, as she possibly can. The zebras are always there.

Therefore it’s impossible that she associates the zebras with either of her brothers, or either of her parents, or with Eli, or with Pagoda, or with anybody else in the world. She is likely, however, to have internalized their presence, and for them to have worked their way into her writing, whether consciously or not.

By writing the zebra as a tragic figure, and then by literally climbing into that role herself, she’s foreshadowed her entire path of self-destruction. She assassinated her own image of the night of her eleventh birthday, and played the role herself.

Royal denouncing her artistic efforts? Buying that pack of cigarettes? No, those weren’t triggers. They were simply manifestations of an unspoken desire to self-destruct that had been part of Margot Tenenbaum all along.

The film makes no overt reference to this. It’s one of many carefully placed breadcrumb trails that Wes Anderson trusts us enough to figure out for ourselves.

I’m still figuring them out, and none of them make me feel like I’m reaching. Everything was always right there, ready to be noticed, and if it took me 30 viewings to find them, that’s okay. Anderson’s films are patient. They wait for you. And when you finally get there, they welcome you home.

Speaking of which, in the image I used to open this article I notice that Margot’s listening to Between the Buttons, which is the Rolling Stones album she puts on when Richie comes home from the hospital later in the film.

Oh, and Royal being the only one to criticize her play here is subverted nicely by the fact that he’s the only one who enjoys her new play at the end of the film. So many layers, so many details, so many connections and mirrors and echoes.

My lord I love this movie.

ALF Reviews: “Don’t It Make Your Brown Eyes Blue?” (Season 1, Episode 8)

So, this is it. This is the episode I’ve been warned about by multiple people. (Two is a multiple.) It’s not one of the episodes I remember from its original run, but I guess it’s something that’s stuck with a few others. Honestly, I’m not surprised. It’s definitely memorable for one reason, at least.

The more episodes of ALF I review, the more I wonder if I even saw season one when it first aired. I’m sure I caught at least a few of them in reruns, but I’m starting to think I didn’t join the ALF party until the second season. That’s got the first episode I remember seeing for sure, and man I can’t wait to get to that one.

Anyway…this is a bad episode. Not that that really needs to be said at this point, but just in case you thought I’d end up loving this…nope. It’s fucking bad.

It’s even worse than it would have been otherwise simply because it’s the third episode in a row(!) about ALF dealing with his affections for someone. He sure does rebound quickly, doesn’t he? Last week it was his ex-girlfriend Rhonda that he never dated, and the week before that it was Jodie. Remember Jodie? ALF sure as hell doesn’t. Fuck you, Jodie! You depressed blind nobody!

This week it’s Lynn. Which totally isn’t creepy at all. It starts immediately when Lynn hangs up the phone and announces that Scott Maynard wants to put his band equipment in her garage. “Band equipment” is a pretty obvious euphemism for his penis, but I’m not quite sure which of Lynn’s holes is being referred to as her “garage.” I guess I’ll just make a point of watching carefully.

ALF gets jealous and presses her about whether or not she finds Scott more attractive than him. The family just sits there listening to this, I guess, because, hey, it’s just an alien that lives in their laundry room making it very clear that he’d like to fuck their daughter after they go to bed. No biggie.

Scott is coming over in fifteen minutes, which means Lynn has to cancel her “date” with ALF to redecorate his room. Since they live together and it’s not like either of them do anything with their miserable lives I don’t know why they couldn’t just postpone it until tomorrow, or even later that night, but ALF’s pretty heartbroken. I know I complained about having three episodes in a row with similar plots, but I’m okay with it because each of them focuses around ALF’s increasing sadness, and at this rate the season finale will be about him slitting his wrists over the bathroom sink.

The credits come up and I see that this episode was written by Jerry Stahl. Now, I can’t say anything about this personally, but Stahl is the one that several commenters here have identified as the most likely candidate for my One Good Writer theory. Apparently he wrote a book called Permanent Midnight about his experiences writing for television, and it was later made into a movie. I haven’t read or watched either, but I’m willing to defer to folks who have. Stahl’s later credits certainly suggest he was capable of a lot more than writing for a slutty puppet.

Of course, the fact that Stahl is the credited writer for this episode doesn’t necessarily mean much. It’ll be interesting to see if this one bears a stronger stamp of the One Good Writer than the other ones do, but ultimately it’s pretty moot. The way these shows tend to work is that, yes, there is a credited writer (or sometimes more), but it’s actually “written” by a full staff of people. Who they decide to credit will vary from show to show, but usually it’s the person who pitched the initial idea (whether or not the final product is anything like what he or she envisioned), or the person who took the time to organize everyone’s contributions into a final script (whether or not he or she pitched any ideas that made it into the episode). So, it’s a little confusing. If this episode is great, that doesn’t necessarily reflect on Stahl. Likewise, if this episode is lousy, that doesn’t necessarily mean he wasn’t the most talented one in the room. It just means he got stuck typing up everyone else’s bullshit.

I’ll spoil it for you: he got stuck typing up everyone else’s bullshit.

Scott arrives, and Lynn was right! He’s a total babe. Hunka hunka! Just get a load of that sweater. If that doesn’t scream “teenage rock musician,” I don’t know what does.

There is actually a decently funny moment when he says that his band is no longer The G-Men, because they found out some other band already had that name. Then he holds up a bass drum that reads DOORS. It’s actually an alright moment, but Scott doesn’t get any characterization beyond this. I thought maybe his schtick would be that he’s a bonehead or something, but I don’t even know what his schtick is. His only joke in the entire episode is holding up that drum, so I guess the writers didn’t give him one. It’s a shame, because this is the kind of joke that would work better if they carried it a little further and let it give us some insight into who he is.

Whatever. I’ll take what I can get. While I’d rather this joke serve as some character work, I need to just accept the fact that he’s not a character; he’s a sweater with some meat stuffed inside of it. I’ll just be happy the show got a relatively appreciative “hm” out of me.

Actually this scene isn’t so bad, probably because Lynn’s acting works so much better in this context. She’s nervous around Scott, so, while I’m sure it wasn’t intentional, her “too careful” enunciation of her lines works very well. Of course she’d make a point of speaking deliberately…she’s worried about making a fool out of herself in front of the guy she likes. She fidgets with his instruments, too, and it’s kind of a nice moment.

But then the show remembers it’s about ALF, so ALF starts poking his head into shot in the presumable hopes of seeing Scott take Lynn’s shirt off.

She keeps trying to wave him away and she shouts “No!” when Scott asks her out, but really she’s talking to ALF, only she can’t say that, so she makes up an excuse about swatting a locust and Jesus Christ did this scene fall apart.

ALF gives up on seeing teenaged nip and ropes Brian into helping him decorate his room instead. He has the boy paste wallpaper all over the windows, and Kate comes in and gets upset.

Which, hey, good for her. ALF has proven week after week that he doesn’t misunderstand any human concepts at all, which means that he must be wallpapering their windows just to be a dick.

ALF asks Kate for advice on women, but he does so in such a way that she thinks he has a crush on her. Her response is that women love poetry, so ALF starts writing a poem.

I’m not blaming ALF here, but I’m curious where this cliche came from. You always hear advice like this on sitcoms, but when in the whole of human history did any little boy impress the girl he liked by writing her a poem? More likely he’d just be exposing his feelings in the most clumsy and inexpert way possible, and he’d be providing her with physical evidence of his awkward advances that she can show her friends on the bus ride home and then they all laughed at me. :(

ALF tries setting his poem to music, and Willie walks in on him. Willie says, “AAAALF,” and ALF replies, “WHAAAAT.” I don’t think I’m looking too deeply into this to see it as a dig at Max Wright’s line delivery, and it’s kind of funny that the poor guy was asked to be the butt of a joke about how shitty an actor he is.

There’s another dig at Max Wright immediately afterward…or, at least, I think there is. He asks ALF if he can see his poem, and then he reads it out loud. “Take a look at me / and tell me what you see. / Just another pretty face?” Then Willie looks at ALF’s hideous visage and says, “…very amusing!”

It’s obviously a joke, but the fake audience doesn’t laugh its fake laughter, which has to be a deliberate choice. Maybe Wright complained about not getting any funny lines, so Fusco and crew gave him one to shut him up and then just twisted the knife later by not pasting any laughter after it.

Willie then tries to turn the poem into a song, and the entire history of popular music was just a prelude to this moment, when it’s all revealed to be just one long, elaborate joke on mankind.

ALF tries to make himself vomit, and it’s the only time I’ve felt anything like empathy with him.

It’s really bad, but…well, that’s okay. Because the point is that Willie’s really bad.

But just you wait, friends. Because this doesn’t compare to the mountain of shit that’s yet to come…and that one’s unintentional.

Brian is sleeping, ALF is setting his awful poetry to awful music, and Lynn is getting digitally violated by Scott at a drive-in, which means Willie and Kate have the house to themselves. Kate makes some romantic overtures toward him, but fortunately Willie doesn’t reciprocate, sparing her from a night of sluggish, oily fucking.

The phone rings, and it’s Mrs. Ochmonek. Wait, isn’t she dead? If she’s not dead, then why the fuck was ALF praying to her in the last episode? Maybe they aired these two out of sequence. I don’t know. Either way she doesn’t appear in the episode, so maybe she’s calling from beyond the grave to complain about ALF bashing out shitty music in the garage at all hours of the night. It makes sense, actually…I don’t think death could prevent me from complaining about ALF either.

Willie tells Kate about it, and explains that ALF is setting a poem to music. Kate replies by saying that she thinks it’s because ALF has a crush on her.

And there you go, folks. The only time Willie Tanner has ever smiled, and it’s because he’s laughing at his ugly hag of a wife believing that anybody could ever be attracted to her.

Remind me, please, why Kate is with this putz?

Of course, belittling his wife for being horribly undesirable is really just Willie’s idea of foreplay, so Kate leans in seductively, and Willie makes a sex face that will not only get him laid, but also ensures that I never want to get laid again.

In another stroke of luck, though, ALF interrupts their tender moment and they no longer have to pretend to be attracted to each other. He is holding a VHS and explains that it’s a “rock video” that he made for Lynn. This makes Kate leave, because she’s upset, I guess, that ALF doesn’t want to fuck her.

Willie also leaves, upset, I guess, that ALF doesn’t want to fuck his wife.

These concerns seem to override for both of them the fact that they’ve just learned that ALF wants to fuck their daughter.

This is messed up on all kinds of levels, folks. I can’t even bring myself to unpack it. Just make a list of the ways in which this isn’t messed up, because that will be a lot shorter.

Lynn and Scott come home laughing at something we don’t get to hear, because God forbid the writers of ALF have to write a joke.

ALF spies on them through the window and starts shouting insults and threats at the boy to scare him off, because it’s been well established by this point that ALF is the only one who is allowed to insert anything into any members of the Tanner family.

Really, people. This show. It’s so…ugh.

It’s so gross. When I started doing these reviews I expected to be disappointed by how unfunny it was, and at least mildly embarrassed that I liked it so much as a kid. But I didn’t expect every episode to deteriorate into some kind of alien sex festival.

It’s terrible. The whole time I was watching this I wanted Scott to take Lynn away from whatever the hell was screaming at them from inside the house. Instead, though, he leaves alone, probably to think about what character trait he’d eventually like to pick up for himself.

We’re getting closer, folks. We’re getting closer to that moment.

But first Lynn comes inside to yell at ALF for fucking up her one chance to get date raped by a rock musician. Willie comes out to find out what the hell is going on, but it’s not like it matters because he’d never, under any circumstances, punish the alien.

He pulls up a chair to discuss “the facts of life” with ALF, which means he’s about to have the sex talk with a creature from outer space, while his daughter sits on the other site of the couch observing. I couldn’t imagine a more awkward scene if my life depended on it, and it’s not helped by the fact that there’s a plate between them covered with what looks like a small child’s bones.

ALF ate a kid I guess.

Sure. Why not.

Willie goes to bed because he just taught the creature that’s currently lusting after his teenaged daughter how to have sex, so his work here is done.

ALF reveals to Lynn that he made a rock video for her and SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE BONES

She wants to see it, but he refuses to show her. She recites to him the moral of tonight’s episode, which is that you should never feel ashamed about videotaping yourself singing about the sex you’d like to have with an underaged girl of a different species. He takes the lesson to heart, and I hope all of you will, too.

ALF asks Lynn to turn the VCR on, because the midget had the day off and the puppet can’t leave the couch.

The video starts and it’s just a slow zoom on the drum kit, and I’m sure Scott won’t mind that ALF scraped off the DOORS thing and replaced it with a sticker bearing his name and his clearly alien face, because seriously fuck trying to hide the fact that an alien lives here anymore. Just fuck it all forever.

And then…

And then.

Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen.

And then.

Yup.

This happened.

ALF filmed himself singing his song to Lynn, cutting between different takes of him, I guess, at different instruments and wearing clothes meant to evoke famous rock stars. In one shot he’s dressed like Bruce Springsteen* and in another he’s dressed like Elton John, who’s very well known for getting all the girls.

It’s really bad. Really, really bad.

And it only gets worse.

He’s singing this really shitty song which is probably called “You’re the One That’s Out of This World,” and I feel humiliated just for watching it.

I know it sounds silly, but while I was taking notes and making screengrabs I was genuinely afraid that I would drop dead at my computer, and somebody would find my body and see what I was watching. That was a serious source of concern for me.

I mean, just look at this shit.

Yep, this must be why people remember “Don’t It Make Your Brown Eyes Blue?” as being such a lousy episode. Prior to this it was just bad in a sort of vague, lamely predictable way, but watching a bunch of ALF puppets performing a song about how fuckable Lynn is definitely elevates this to brave new peaks of shitness.

Seriously. Just LOOK AT THIS.

ALF went all out for his music video, rigging up pyrotechnics, fog machines and laser light shows in the garage. And I’m not even going to question how he edited all this shit together. It’s not enough that ALF knows how to play all of these instruments? He also has to have comprehensive knowledge of how to work videography equipment?

I hate this.

I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.

And it KEEPS GOING.

End! Why won’t this end? This is the longest three minutes of my life.

I guess ALF’s supposed to be dressed up like one of the guys from ZZ Top now, but it just looks like he found a shitty Santa Claus costume in the garage.

How long is this fucking video? It’s been nothing but guitar solos for God knows how long. Did they run out of lyrics? Then why not just end this stupid thing? We don’t need to see a puppet pretending to play instruments. It isn’t funny or interesting. It’s just happening and it won’t end and there aren’t any jokes and the music is fucking terrible and these pointless solos are just padding out a sequence that was already pure padding.

Did they think we’d be impressed by ALF’s musicianship or something? He’s not real, you know. He’s a piece of cloth holding a guitar while somebody else’s uninspired rock solo is dubbed over it in post. We get the point after about ten seconds…we don’t need to watch the extended cut.

It’s not over. ALF is playing the saxophone.

Did the writers just harbor secret dreams of being rock stars or something? Is this music video their chance to show off what they’re capable of? If it is, I can see why they ended up writing for ALF.

It’s so out of place. None of the lyrics are even comic. I guess they didn’t want to ruin this beautiful performance with a laugh track, so they left out all attempts at jokes.

I don’t get it. Did they really think this was a good song or something? There’s no other reason to give over the whole final fifth of your episode to it — not to mention the fact that the whole rest of the episode was building up to it — if it’s neither good nor funny.

I can’t understand this. I can’t even comprehend what I’m watching and WHY THE FUCK WON’T IT END

One of the ALF puppets is at a computer while the rest of the ALF puppets noodle around endlessly, and the ALF puppet at the computer watches instruments and music notes come flying out of the computer because holy mother of cockshit how long is this crap

It’s still going. This must have been the easiest episode to write ever. It’s just some horse shit about ALF wanting to fuck Lynn, then there’s one page that says, “ALF dicks around on guitar until the credits roll.”

Done. Another masterpiece in the can.

My Christ is this painful. I actually never want to listen to music again. I need to avoid triggering memories of this at all costs, because I don’t think I could live through it a second time.

It does finally end, though, and Lynn tells ALF that she really appreciates the nonsensical bullshit she just watched that was mainly just ALF fucking with Scott’s instruments and barely about her at all, but she’d rather be sexually violated by boys of her own age and genus.

ALF is cool with this, probably because he knows he can do whatever he wants to her while she’s asleep and there will never be any consequence to his actions.

Then the music video plays again under the end credits because it’s been almost a full fucking minute since we saw it last and boy howdy do the ALF writers hate you.

This was probably the worst episode yet. Analyze it yourself in the comments, because I refuse to think about it any more than I already have.

Fuck you, ALF.

—–
* When I was a kid I actually had an ALF puppet that was dressed as Bruce Springsteen. I guess that comes from this episode, but it could just be a coincidence since they also made ones where he was dressed as a chef and a gynecologist and shit like that. In addition I had a stuffed Jodie doll that I kept locked in a box where nobody would ever think about it.

Travelin’ Man

I just wanted to take a moment to let you know that as of tomorrow, I’ll be off to the motherland for a week or so. I do have some stuff scheduled to go up in my absence, so obviously keep refreshing this page every half hour, like you agreed to do when you came here in the first place. Things won’t go quiet when I’m gone…I just won’t be around.

Of course I won’t be checking my email regularly (it’s a vacation, yo), so if you do need to reach me, be aware that I probably won’t be responding quickly. Also, I won’t be monitoring the site as closely as usual, so try not to start any fights or leave too many comments about your cheap, home-made Viagara. The community here is a great one, so I don’t expect any problems…but even so, play nicely.

The ALF reviews will continue uninterrupted, as I’m really hoping I can make it through the entire first season without missing a single week. I’ll probably take a short break at that point, but my goal is to actually see something through for the first time in my miserable life. It’ll be fun!

Also, did you notice the new ALF archive page? You can see all the upcoming episodes, and try to guess what they’re about from their titles. Whatever you guess, you’ll be wrong, because nothing ever happens in this awful show.

This is also a great time to work on your submission for The Lost Worlds of Power! We’ve received seven great ones so far, and you still have about two months before the deadline (Jan 31). Get cracking!

And don’t forget about the First Annual Noiseless Chatter Christmas Party, on December 23. It’ll be a live stream (with cutting edge chat room technology!) of the ALF Christmas special, along with some other goodies. Or maybe I should say baddies! Ha! I kill me.

Finally, buy me stuff because it’s xmas. Or, don’t. It’s definitely up to you, but I made a wishlist so I’mma pimp it God dammit.

See you soon!

2013 Noiseless Chatter Holiday Gift Guide

Hello, and welcome to the first-annual Noiseless Chatter holiday gift guide! The idea here isn’t like most gift guides, being as I can’t personally vouch for every product here, nor have I received any form of payment or exchange for including what you see below.

So what is this? Well, I’ve got a large number of very talented friends, and I wanted to take an opportunity to spotlight their wares specifically. If you still have shopping to do, I hope something below will appeal to you as a potential gift for a loved one. There should be plenty of time to receive any of the below before the holidays.

In order to avoid any appearance of favoritism, I won’t single out any of the products I can vouch for, but I will say that I can vouch for each of these individuals personally. They’re all great people, and if any of the below looks like it would make a good gift for somebody (or yourself), make the seller’s Christmas, too, by buying it through them.

If you are interested in anything below, and would like information regarding shipping and availability, be sure to contact the seller directly!

BOOKS

A Matter of Time: The Unauthorized Back to the Future Lexicon
The Back to the Future films are more or less the gold standard for sci-fi comedies (though Ghostbusters might give them a fair run for their money). Which probably makes this a good gift for somebody on your shopping list, as it’s likely you know at least one major fan. This very thorough book contains information on every character, item and location in the series, and expands far beyond the movies, taking into account the official ride, the video games, the animates series, and more.
Where to Buy: At Amazon here, and you can read more about the book here.

Multiples of Six
Written by a friend of mine (whose name I won’t mention because this is published under a pseudonym and I don’t know if revealing it would make him want to beat me up), this is the first book in a series of three. The first two are available for purchase in both physical and ebook formats, but I’m spotlighting the physical because seriously, guys, don’t kill the industry. Multiples of Six is a familial mystery centered around one man who gradually learns more about his siblings…including one he didn’t know he had. It’s absolutely the type of story that will resonate strongly for a certain type of reader…and if you have that type of reader on your shopping list, give it a shot.
Where to Buy: At Amazon here, but if you’re opposed to shopping with them for any reason there’s a host of other options here.

The Garbage Pod: A Collection of Red Dwarf Fan Writing, 2003 – 2011
The Red Dwarf fan-site Ganymede & Titan (linked in perpetuity in the sidebar here) goes through long periods of relative inactivity, but when it’s actually cranking out articles it’s pretty great. There’s a stellar team of devoted writers that manage to blend genuine enthusiasm with a fair, clinical approach to the show, and this book collects a number of essays (some of them updated since they were published online), and would make a great gift for any fans of the show on your list. Be warned, though…their enthusiasm for the show is eclipsed only by their enthusiasm for creative profanity.
Where to Buy: At Lulu here, where it’s also available as an ebook.

FASHION

Kawaiicore
“Creepy-cute” is their self-selected descriptor, and I’d have to say that’s pretty accurate. Run by probably one of the most talented people I’ve ever met (which, believe me, is saying something) there’s a very unique assortment of rings, earrings, necklaces and more here, and all of it is original to Kawaiicore. I have to recommend the heart-shaped knuckle dusters, because come on now. HEART SHAPED KNUCKLE DUSTERS. It’s not the kind of product that’s going to have universal appeal, but the folks it does appeal to are likely to go bananas over it, and that’s what matters.
Where to Buy: Right here.

BerryPolish
Handmade nail lacquer from two very talented, all around awesome sisters. Their shop only launched in late October, so they only have one style up for sale currently. This will change, though, as they gauge demand for other styles. It’s a tiny endeavor right now, which is why I’m very happy to spotlight it and watch it grow. They were also tossing in those great little monster fingerpuppets with orders placed by Halloween, so there’s every chance you’ll find a special surprise included with your Christmas order as well. (Not a guarantee. I really don’t know.)
Where to Buy: At their etsy store here, and you can help them select future styles at their Facebook page here.

Jules’ Jewels Jewelry
A great artist that I went to high school with. She has an etsy shop, but there’s nothing on display quite yet. However she does work on custom pieces of art and jewelry, and she has samples of her work on display at her Instagram page, which is linked below. Due to the nature of her work you’ll need to contact her ahead of time and discuss prices and details, which might sound a little cumbersome but I can promise you she’s a pleasure to deal with.
Where to Buy: You can request a custom order through her etsy shop here, or browse her work and contact her through Instagram here.

Origami Owl — Olivia Bellano, Independent Designer
Charming, customizable jewelry available through a very good friend of mine. She’s actually running a special deal outside of the main shop, which she asked me to post here. Unfortunately I couldn’t think of a good way to display the image due to the fact that I’m not the designer here, so you’ll have to click this for the details. But if you are looking for a gift (or several) it’s worth checking out. Again, that’s a special deal, so if you’d like to take advantage of it make sure to contact her directly instead of placing the order yourself.
Where to Buy: At Origami Owl here, or contact her directly through Facebook here

DIGITAL GOODS

Kid Tripp
I’ve already tipped my hand a bit on this one, as this isn’t the first time I’m mentioning Kid Tripp on Noiseless Chatter, but go read some reviews of this game. It wouldn’t be fair of me to say lots and lots of nice things about it here, but I do think it’s fine to encourage you to read the other nice things people had to say at the page linked below. It’s a side-scrolling touch-screen game with automatic movement, and it’s difficult. It also has a pretty fantastic soundtrack, and would make a great (and inexpensive) gift for the gamer on your shopping list.
Where to Buy: From the App Store here.

A Brief History of Time Travel
A Kickstarter success story, A Brief History of Time Travel is a six-episode science fiction radio comedy, also available with a making-of documentary and a companion book pdf. It’s a great buy for the comedy fan on your list, or for anyone already used to listening to radio shows, audiobooks or podcasts on their commute. (At least, that’s the only way I ever listen to them.) It’s worth mentioning here that the stuff you can buy digitally is going to be distributed in different ways depending upon where you make your purchase, so if you are shopping for someone else, make sure you keep that in mind during the checkout process so they actually receive it! Of course, you could also be buying this for yourself. And, yeah, you kinda should.
Where to Buy: From the official site here, though there is an option to buy it from iTunes there as well, if you trust that more for whatever reason.

Somos las Bolas
The closest thing to a conflict of interest on this list. This is actually a short film based on a story of mine, but I had nothing to do with making it and I receive no percentage of its profits. (I wasn’t even paid for the rights to the story. I’ll be seeing the director in court.) It’s the live action version of a tale about growing up, falling in love, and lots and lots of Ping-Pong. It also has a really awesome soundtrack that I used to have as a zip file but I can’t find it anymore so the guy should probably send me another one OKAY? If you care, I did do a commentary track for the film after it was finished, and I was pretty strung out on DayQuil when I did. So if you ever wanted to hear me ramble in semi-consciousness about things I barely remember writing, this is the DVD for you.
Where to Buy: At Amazon here. It’s available as a physical DVD, but I listed it here because I don’t have enough for a DVD section, and you can buy it for viewing on demand.

Zombie Simpsons: How the Best Show Ever Became the Broadcasting Undead
An ebook by the team over at Dead Homer Society, which is also linked in my sidebar, and probably always will be. It’s actually available in its entirety at that site for free, but you can buy the official pdf cheaply enough that it may well be worth it for those who want to enjoy it without having to be connected to the internet while being reminded of how much worse The Simpsons is now, and has been for a long time. It’s not as venomous and hate-filled as the main content on that website (though I do mean those things as compliments), and is actually a rather intelligent deconstruction of the show’s trajectory. Worth a buy for anyone on your list who stopped buying the DVDs after season 10.
Where to Buy: At Amazon here.

Jump Leads
More sci-fi comedy in the form of an ongoing webcomic. I could have sworn physical copies were available but I couldn’t seem to find them anywhere anymore so I’m linking to the electronic versions. It focuses on two characters in the Lead Service, fumbling their way through parallel universes, hostile creatures and accidental witchcraft. I’m going to leave it to Ben to show up here and let everyone know where physical copies can be grabbed, if they can indeed still be grabbed, but in the meantime, the electronic versions make a good substitute for anyone who enjoys their graphic novels in digital format.
Where to Buy: At Wowio here.

ALF Reviews: “Help Me, Rhonda” (Season 1, Episode 7)

Toward the beginning of this project, I was speaking with a friend of mine, and I realized something kind of shocking: even though I remember watching ALF every week as a child, owning the toys and presumably enjoying it, I really don’t remember much as an adult about the show.

A few details stuck out, such as the fact that ALF’s real name is Gordon Shumway (a fact I expected to find out in the pilot, but apparently the Tanners didn’t give enough of a shit to ever ask, “Hey, who are you?”). I remembered that he was from Melmac, and that he ate cats. I remember “Ha! I kill me!” And, for whatever reason, I remembered that his favorite song was “Help Me, Rhonda.”

That’s about it. And, granted, I wasn’t very old when ALF was airing and it’s fair that I’d have forgotten a lot. But aside from a few miscellaneous bits of trivia, I didn’t remember anything. It’s actually kind of strange, because as an adult I’ve revisited many things I loved as a child, and I’m usually amazed at how much of it I remember. Whether it’s where the secrets are hidden in Super Mario Bros., the words to all of the songs in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, or pretty much every line in Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, adult Philip ends up feeling like he’s time traveling when he remembers so much so vividly.

With ALF, I remember nothing. At least, not yet. Maybe eventually we’ll get to an episode that will make my mind light up with recognition, but so far it’s just a garbage show that I can’t believe I ever enjoyed. I guess I must have only enjoyed it on a superficial level, because I sure as shit didn’t retain anything about it.

Anyway, I bring this up now because the episode is called “Help Me, Rhonda,” and I was pretty sure it would be about ALF tormenting everyone with the song or something. It’s not, but it’s also not a total lost cause, either. It’s an episode that seems to be trying to tap into the same vein as last week’s “For Your Eyes Only,” but this one feels more within ALF‘s wheelhouse than that episode did, simply because the approach is bungled so thoroughly.

Placing the two episodes side by side is actually quite instructive. In each case the show is trying to soften ALF, and in each case the show is trying to mine very similar territory (loneliness and homesickness). But whereas “For Your Eyes Only” largely succeeded at what it set out to do and seemed to suggest an alternate-universe ALF that wasn’t half bad, “Help Me, Rhonda” fails completely and reminds us of the actual-universe ALF we’re stuck with.

The episode opens with Brian and ALF dropping overt hints that it’s almost Brian’s birthday. We learn here that Brian is turning 7, and that ALF will be 229 in August. Then he and Brian talk about ALF’s experience of turning 229, which they discuss as though it already happened, meaning attention to this particular detail died in the space of a period between two sentences. ALF makes a crappy joke about blowing out the candles being easy, but lighting them being hard because your hand could catch on fire. The audience laughs and since it’s Thanksgiving I guess I’m thankful for the laugh track in this shitty show because otherwise I wouldn’t know that half of this stuff is meant to be a joke.

Kate and Willie ask Brian what decoration he wants on his cake, and this actually does trigger a memory, though not of ALF. I remember when I was about Brian’s age, being asked the same question. I wanted Bambi on my cake, because that had just been re-released in theaters and seeing it was still fresh in my memories. I really liked the movie, but my parents wouldn’t let me have Bambi on the cake, and were actually pretty rude with their explanations of why no son of theirs was going to have a birthday cake with Bambi on it. I guess I shouldn’t be too upset, though, because I’m positive that the lack of Bambi on my 7th birthday cake was the one thing that allowed me to make it through the rest of my life without fucking the anus of every guy I met.

Brian can’t decide what decoration he wants. Word of advice, kid…don’t ask for Bambi.

The pre-credits sequence ends on this harrowing cliffhanger, and, man, I really can’t wait to find out if Brian decides on a dinosaur or a fire engine. ALF really knew how to snare an audience!

After the credits we see ALF in bed, stroking off to a teddy bear in the tumble dryer. But it’s a very sad masturbation, because he knows he’ll never have another birthday with his friends.

This, I do have to say, is a promising start to the episode. In fact, “For Your Eyes Only” got my hopes up that this one might handle its exploration of ALF in a similarly satisfying way. I’m now convinced that “For Your Eyes Only” exists only so that I would lower my guard before “Help Me, Rhonda” punched me in the face.

Willie enters the room in a loosely-knotted robe and I spend the rest of the scene horrified at the prospect of it slipping open. Also, what’s next to ALF on the floor? Was he drinking a beer? I’m okay with this, but as much as the show has alluded to him drinking, we’ve mainly only seen him with soda pop and juice boxes. I just find this to be an interesting detail.

Also interesting is the fact that he vents to Willie about his 228th birthday (they get the detail right this time) being a particularly bad one, because that was the day Melmac exploded.

So, wait. A full year has elapsed since ALF came to Earth? Maybe not, because it’s not ALF’s birthday, but the way they’re talking makes it sound like it’s coming up soon. I get that they might just be trying to link his sadness to Brian’s birthday, which reminds him of the fact that he has his own birthday, and that his last birthday was the day his planet exploded, and his next one will be his first birthday without his friends…but that’s a hell of a train of reasoning. It makes more sense if ALF’s sad because his own birthday is coming up, but we’re only seven episodes in so it can’t have been a full year.

I don’t know. I don’t care. I’m just upset because this episode is making me try to sort out the chronology of ALF. The worst part? It’s not even the last time in the episode I’ll be doing that.

ALF gets wistful over Rhonda, who is presented as his ex-girlfriend, even though ALF then later contradicts that by saying they never went on any dates. Their first date was scheduled for the night of his birthday, but, obviously, the planet exploded and their fateful evening never happened.

He also mentions that just before the planet blew up, he and the rest of the Orbit Guards were called into duty, so, hey, more continuity! If Orbit Guard was the last job he held on Melmac, then he must have been a Phlegm dealer before that. It also suggests, at least potentially, that the nuclear disaster that decimated the planet was a war rather than an accident, if the Orbit Guard was called in.

Of course the Orbit Guard could have been like our own National Guard, which I guess is a lot more likely to be called into duty in the face of an accident than in open conflict. See? I told you this episode wasn’t done making me think about ALF to uncomfortable degrees.

This is off to a good start, though, no? A strong premise, a tender moment, some expansion of the ALF mythology. But don’t worry, we didn’t get two good episodes in a row. Boy howdy did we not get two good episodes in a row…

Willie shows off some serious gams while he tells ALF about Marsha Shankan. It was a girl that Willie was in love with, but she unfortunately moved to Toledo before Willie could embarrass himself thoroughly by asking her out in front of everybody and being so roundly rejected. He’s pretty clearly wallowing in the unresolved affection he had for another girl, which is a pretty fucked up thing to talk about while your wife is sleeping alone in the next room. He also almost refers to Kate as ALF’s mother during the story, which is even more fucked up.

At one point Max Wright says, “By the time I got the nerrrrrrrrvvv–up to ask her out…” and it’s pretty clear he forgot the line and stalled for time. Why does nobody ever ask for a second take on this show? I’ll never get used to just how poorly made this crap is.

ALF dickishly dismisses Willie’s heartache because it’s nothing that affects him personally, but since Willie’s going to lay next to his sleeping wife and jack off to the memory of some girl he knew in the sixth grade, I’d say they’re both on equal dick footing.

ALF then…oh no. Oh, fucking no. A dream sequence.

He dreams he’s back on Melmac, and I think it’s supposed to be a pretty accurate flashback as well as a dream. He’s at a diner or something, and he’s totally nude apart from his Orbit Guard armband. I mention this because the show doesn’t…it’s not a joke or a plot point, it’s just there.

See, this is weird to me, because everybody else in this scene is wearing clothes. I always just figured ALF’s nudity was due to the fact that they didn’t wear clothes on Melmac, and when he came to Earth he didn’t see a need to start. That’s fair. It’s the one thing that allowed me to overlook the fact that the Tanner household just has some naked dude lying spread-eagled on the sofa all day.

But now we see that they did wear clothes on Melmac. Everybody did. It’s just ALF who walked around town all day with his dick swingin’. Was he mentally ill?

ALF’s friend Skip has a few lines here, and the puppetry is really bad. His mouth doesn’t match his words at all, and it’s a great time to remember just how good Fusco’s puppetry is. It’s been the lone, solid highlight of these episodes so far, and putting him next to a puppetteer who had no idea what he was doing really makes me appreciate his talents more. Say what you will about the man himself, and I’ll say what I will about the show, but ALF’s puppetry is impressive.

Skip makes some remarks about how bangin’ their waitress is, and, look! She totally is.

She serves the guys their food, and behind her you can see all the cat dishes on the menu. Commenter E[X] asked a few weeks ago why there were cats on Melmac anyway. Well, this episode doesn’t provide an answer, but I did want to take this moment to say I’m fucked if I know.

ALF awakens screaming to the image of Willie touching him and stroking his chest, which is interesting because that’s precisely the image that I awake screaming from.

Willie shook ALF awake because the freeloading naked fuckhead was shouting and singing. What, at the same time? ALF asks what he was singing, and Willie says it was something by The Beach Boys. The one with Rhonda in the title.

Willie, if you heard the line “Help Me, Rhonda” then you know the name of the song. I don’t know why they didn’t just have him say that. Did they think it would make us feel clever to figure it out on our own? It would be like me saying, “I won’t tell you the name of my favorite Beatles song, but I’ll give you a hint: it has Jude in the title.” You won’t feel clever for figuring that out; you’ll just think I’m a moron.

Sad music comes on as ALF says he wants to go home. Which I guess qualifies as a twist since he’s spent every episode so far specifically not taking any steps toward going anywhere at all.

It’s not enough that ALF gets free room and board and unchecked demolition privileges, he also has Kate rubbing his shoulders. Oh, and Lynn is also stroking his chest. I don’t know; maybe that’s just a Tanner family tradition.

The show actually goes a good job of making ALF look “sick,” even though the puppet doesn’t really change. They muss up his hair, lower his eyelids, and Fusco makes ALF’s movements look tired and sluggish. I swear, that man’s puppetteering is really good. Maybe what he should have done is sign up with Jim Henson’s Creature Shop or something, where he could show off that talent but not be in charge of the production. It’s not that he has no talent…it’s that he shouldn’t have been running the show.

ALF asks Kate to get the dustbuster and for some reason gets pissy that she won’t go out to the garage to get it right now. Lynn goes to get the dustbuster herself in order to defuse the situation, but then something wonderful happens.

Kate comes over, sits on the couch, and tells him — thank you God! — to cut his motherfucking bullshit, and to cut his motherfucking bullshit right motherfucking now. She doesn’t give a flying fuck if he’s sick…he is not to speak to her that way.

Then she threatens, and I am not exaggerating, to punch his heart out.

Please Jesus, let that be the Christmas special.

In a rare instance of this show doing something for a reason, we cut to the garage. Lynn is grabbing the dustbuster, and she notices that Willie and Brian are using their ham radio to ask if anyone who can hear them is from Melmac, because, really, that whole “Nobody can find out an alien lives here” was so six episodes ago.

There’s no joke in this scene, and the camera just awkwardly films Willie and Brian silently passing a tape recorder back and forth. This is so weird. The camera just keeps rolling even though nothing’s happening and nobody’s saying anything. They didn’t bother to write any dialogue? Is this show improvised or something? It’s so bizarre.

We cut back to the living room, where ALF must have reinstated the pecking order because Kate is spoonfeeding him soup.

The first episode seemed to set up the idea that Kate was some cold, heartless, humorless shrew — my dream girl, basically — but I guess she’s really just a battered housewife.

Lynn comes back with the dustbuster and asks if she should clean now, but ALF tells her it would be better to wait until tomorrow. Then why did he get so pissed off that Kate didn’t get the dustbuster a minute ago? It’s not even a joke…and I know it’s not, because they don’t turn on the recording of dead people laughing.

Instead he hands Lynn his Last Will and Testament, which is when we find out his name is Gordon Shumway. Wow, lots of continuity in this one. ALF even suggests that he never mentioned that fact before because he’s embarrassed of it, which is pretty much the first time this nudist dickwheel has ever demonstrated having a sense of shame.

We don’t hear what the will says because the writers didn’t want to think of anything, so they have Willie and Brian interrupt with news that they’ve contacted another survivor from Melmac. I guess that justifies the fact that they spent the past week continuously broadcasting the information that they had a secret alien that lives in their house. That’s me told.

We then…

…no.

No, I won’t continue until you all take a moment to soak in Lynn’s outfit.

A long, long moment. Jesus fuck.

…okay.

So, anyway, Willie managed to contact Skip, which is convenient because it’s one of the few puppets they already had made. Skip offers to stop by and pick up ALF on his way to Andromeda. I don’t know why Skip isn’t there already if that’s where he’s going. What has he been doing this whole time? Orbiting the Earth listening to ham radio operators talking dirty to each other?

ALF asks if Skip can come by next week instead, since it’s Brian’s birthday tomorrow, and on Friday “the transvestites are back on Donahue.” Once again the laughter doesn’t come and it’s really fucking odd…as though the laugh track feels as sickened by ALF’s use of transvestites as a punchline as I do.

But then Skip says that Rhonda is with him, and ALF says, “Forget the transvestites!” Which, I guess, is the punchline, because that’s when the audience laughs. What kind of family show is this? How many kids do you think turned and asked their parents what a transvestite was? And how many of them do you think got anything like an open-minded response?

The next day Brian is sad, because ALF is leaving and his birthday is ruined. ALF tries to comfort him the only way he knows how, by tweaking his boyboobs.

There is some evidence of the One Good Writer here, as ALF asks if he can take Lucky with him. Kate says no, and then ALF replies that they’d better let him out then. Willie opens ALF’s suitcase and the cat hops out.

Honestly, by the end of this show’s run, I bet I could compile a series of clips that might fool someone into thinking ALF was pretty good.

They bring out Brian’s birthday cake and we find out the decoration he finally decided on: he wanted ALF on his cake.

It’s not supposed to be a joke, but I can’t help but laugh because even though we don’t get a clear shot of the cake, it’s pretty clear that they just globbed some brown shit on top, smeared it around a little and called it a day. That’s you, dickhead! Fuck you, ALF!

Everyone says goodbye to ALF and, again, there aren’t any jokes. It’s strange because they’re obviously not going to fool anyone into thinking ALF is leaving. The season isn’t anywhere near over, and even if he did go into space he’d pretty clearly have to come back so that there could be an episode next week.

Willie gives some cockamamie speech about how enriched the family was by having ALF in their lives. To remind you, I’ll recap everything ALF’s done for them so far: destroyed their garage, tormented their neighbor, scared their cat away, made prank calls to the president, and ruined them financially. Cut the shit, Willie. Kick him in the ass and move on with your life.

Actually, last week he didn’t do anything too bad…he just went on a date with Jodie. Where’s Jodie? Will we ever see her again? I love how that episode ended with him asking her to trust him and that things would work out, then he never thinks about her again and she’s just heartbroken in her apartment forever.

There is a good moment though when Kate wishes ALF luck, and he asks if that’s all she has to say to him. Then she adds that it’s a long trip, so if he has to use the bathroom now would be a good time. It’s especially funny because of ALF’s face after she says this:

I know I’m supposed to hate you, Kate. I know. But I just can’t.

Brian says, “I love you” to ALF, and ALF replies “Yeah, me too,” because he’s an asshole.

ALF then looks upward and says, “Goodbye, Mrs. Ochmonek, wherever you are.” Did she die? What the fuck is this? She had the entire second episode to herself, then they killed her off camera? What the hell is going on with this show?

Later that night the family is all gathered in the living room, sad. Brian is at the window so I guess ALF is just standing naked in the yard waiting for Skip to come. Great. The Tanners really do not give a shit about keeping this whole alien thing under wraps, do they?

And why are they not outside with him? I know he sucks and all, but even I would be standing out there just for the chance to see a UFO. These guys just hang out around the coffee table like it’s nothing.

It’s also strange that the birthday cake is sitting there, untouched. I mean, it’s fine if they’re too sad to eat it or something, but why are they carrying it with them from room to room?

ALF comes in to give Brian his birthday present, which are some fuzzy dice that the ALF crew dyed green. That’s so alien!

Willie then tells ALF to get back on the roof, and I feel like an idiot for assuming he was in the yard. Of course this show would stick the naked alien on the roof for the entire town to see. Of fucking course. My mistake. I’m such a dope.

Willie says that he’d better hurry because Skip will be there in 30 seconds, which is pretty ridiculously precise. If I told you I’d meet you at a restaurant at 7 o’clock, and you looked at your watch to see that it was 6:59:30, would you think, “Okay, he’ll be here in 30 seconds?” Of course not. You’d just think I’d be there soon. This show comes off like it was somehow written by people who’ve never interacted with human beings.

It turns out ALF is stalling for time because he’d rather stay with the Tanners than go wherever Skip and Rhonda are going, presumably because that might require him to get a job or respect other people’s privacy.

Willie, unbelievably, sees this as touching. He also does not grab ALF by the throat and throw him outside, to his great discredit.

The family all turns to watch a strobe light switch on and off outside, which I guess is meant to represent Skip and Rhonda porkin’ off into the night.

That’s the end of that, though we do get a short scene of Kate and ALF eating the birthday cake, which is a bit strange since nobody else in the family — including the birthday boy — are around. Kate says she’s starting to warm up to ALF, and then ALF walks over to the couch and starts demanding she does all kinds of shit for him and what a hilarious end to the episode that is.

I don’t know. This one was really bad, and I’m a little confused by why we never saw Rhonda. With a very small rewrite they could have just turned the waitress into Rhonda instead of having her be this separate character that doesn’t do anything but get sexually harassed by ALF’s grabassing friends. Which raises the question for me now of what the point of that flashback was at all.

Seriously, I thought it was going to have something to do with Rhonda, and I guess it kind of does because ALF’s friend’s are dicking around with him about his crush on her, but that’s it. We don’t learn anything about her, despite the fact that ALF is still madly in love with her, apparently, and we don’t even see her. We hear her voice on the ham radio for about two lines, and then that’s the end of that. Wouldn’t the episode have worked just as well if it was Skip alone offering to give ALF a ride? Why bother setting up a love interest just to do literally nothing with her?

And that was a flashback of Melmac’s final night in existence. Isn’t it a little strange that it has nothing to do with the fact that, I dunno, it fuckin’ exploded a few hours later? What a bizarre thing to do. It would be like making a movie about a guy who knows the full truth about the JFK assassination, and he spends all this time talking about how he was there and saw everything, and then finally when we get a flashback to November 22, 1963 it’s the wrong time of day so we just see him having brunch with some assholes he went to school with. What would be the point?

I don’t know. I never will know. But I’ve already invested way too much thought into this episode so I’m done. This review is over.

Oh, and goodbye Mrs. Ochmonek. Wherever you are.

MELMAC FACTS: Ruth the Two-Headed Nurse was the Vanna White of Melmac. (And the Betty White.) Melmac exploded in August. 425 degrees is normal body temperature for someone from Melmac. I’d question why ALF then doesn’t cook everything he touches but I promised myself this review was over so FUCK IT THIS REVIEW IS OVER.