ALF Reviews: “Border Song” (Season 1, Episode 17)

Quick note: be sure to check out my awesome new banner on the ALF review archive page. Super fan Dylan Savageau did the art for me. And by that I mean he’s super and also a fan, not that he’s a super fan of mine. In fact I don’t even think he likes me.

I think we should all take a moment to give thanks for a few things. For starters, after this episode I will only have to review seven more in season one. Rumor has it that season two sees an improvement in quality, and that would certainly be welcome. It’s also where I started watching as a kid, I think, so that should be interesting.

Secondly, let’s all give thanks that the Kate Sr. trilogy is over. Technically it was over last week, but since she appeared in some clips I wasn’t quite comfortable enough to assume she was gone. But now that I’ve seen “Border Song,” I can safely say she won’t be bothering us for a while. (20 minutes, anyway…but I’ll take what I can get.)

And finally, let’s express some very deep gratitude for the return of the One Good Writer. Yes, I was starting to wonder if I’d hallucinated him, because it feels like it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to compliment this show on a genuinely good line or gag. “Border Song,” however, hits the ground running as far as that goes.

It opens with ALF and Kate in the kitchen, and ALF tells her to add “manure” to her grocery list. She asks him why, and he says, “So you won’t forget it.”

That’s funny enough, but they actually build upon it for a second good joke: Kate asks him more directly why he needs manure, and he replies that it’s for his carrots. She says, “Use butter, like everyone else.”

God, I’ve missed you, OGW. Of course (does this really even need saying at this point?) the rest of “Border Song” isn’t quite up to the silly standard set by the opening scene. It has a few more moments of decency, and after the Kate Sr. trilogy it feels like a positive masterpiece, but this is still ALF. And it’s an episode about the alien befriending a young immigrant. So…you pretty much know it’s all going to come crashing down sooner rather than later.

ALF, "Border Song"

After the opening credits we join Willie, clumsily sounding his way through basic Spanish with the help of a book. He’s on the phone trying to reach a man named Fredo Mancilla, and he identifies himself as working for Social Services.

Wow! So now we finally know where Willie works. We still don’t know quite what his job is, but hey, it’s a start.

I have to admit, though, I was pretty surprised that Willie is a social worker. To be honest, I thought I was playing dumb for a while about what he did for a living. Sure, the show never told us, but I thought it would have been safe to conclude that he was some kind of engineer for the state. That seemed to be suggested by his interest in science and space, his twice-alluded-to crazy inventions, and the fact that he has no social skills whatsoever. But, here we are, watching Willie try to figure out what to do with a lost Mexican child. I have to admit, I did not see that coming.

I’m guessing that this job is meant to redeem Willie a bit for the audience. Instead of being this gawky authoritarian, we’re supposed to reconsider him as an empathetic hero by day, toiling at a low paying job because it allows him to make life a little better for those who need it most.

If he’s in social work, though, in Los Angeles of all places, how is it possible that he doesn’t know any Spanish? You’d think that would be a pretty crucial thing to know in that field. And did nobody at Social Services ever bother to learn Spanish? You’d think at least one of them might know at least a few basic words and phrases, but I guess not, because if that were the case I don’t know why they’d turn this kid over to Willie, who can’t speak a lick of it.

There’s a scene where his secretary or something complains about having to work late because of this kid, but in another bid to soften Willie, the writers have him stand up to her and insist that they stay as long as it takes to help him. That sounds great, right?

Well, it is, as long as you don’t pay attention to what he actually says: “He’s alone, he’s frightened, he doesn’t speak any English, and if I’m going to put him alone on a bus back to Mexico I want to make sure there’s going to be someone there to meet him.”

There’s no laughter. The show doesn’t consider this a dark joke. Willie’s noble goal is to stick a kid on a bus alone with no money, no food, and no knowledge of the language, hoping he gets deported safely and becomes somebody else’s problem. So much for empathy.

ALF, "Border Song"

Brian comes into the kitchen after harvesting ALF’s vegetables, a responsibility which fell to him because ALF is a puppet and can’t leave the seat.

Speaking of which, where’s the midget been? The absence of the One Good Writer was certainly felt, but the midget in the ALF suit has been quietly missing for a while. Come back, midget in the ALF suit!

There’s another good joke here when Kate refers to the brown lumps that ALF grew as looking like really good yams. Lynn corrects her and says they’re eggplants. ALF, annoyed, cries, “They’re corn!”

I like this. As a hobby of the week for ALF, having a vegetable garden is a pretty solid one. It gives him something to do, is something he could believably handle without leaving the property, and it ties into the fact that the Mexican boy’s father was a farmer. It’s not the most graceful way to combine two plots, but at least they are being combined.

It’s also a very Roger kind of thing to get obsessed with, and in fact there was actually an episode of American Dad! that saw Roger operating a plantation in the back yard, with children as his slaves. It’s just a coincidence,* I’m positive, but it’s a pretty fun one.

ALF complains that his veggies won’t grow because Bob Barker keeps digging them up. Bob Barker is the Ochmoneks’ dog, who was given that name simply so that the neighbors could have hilarious misunderstandings about it, such as this one. Eventually they clear it up and establish that it isn’t a world-famous game show host digging up the crops…it’s a Chihuahua.

A Chihuahua. Not that they’re overdoing it on the Mexican stuff, of course. The rest of the episode is very sensitive and careful to avoid stereotyping. That’s especially true of the scene in which the Mexican kid gets everyone drunk on tequila, teaches them how to properly roll burritos, and infects them all with his really lousy work ethic.

ALF, "Border Song"

As crappy as the writing in this exchange is, the scene does have an uncharacteristic degree of life to it. ALF suggests murdering the Chihuahua with a gardening claw, and then when Kate says no he suggests quicksand, and mimes the dog sinking into the ground.

It’s a nice bit of physical comedy and it allows for some of Fusco’s sillier puppeteering skills to come through. I like it. Of course, what it really does is remind me how infrequently we get physical comedy like this.

It’s bizarre, now that I think about it. ALF is a puppet. That should lead to a lot of creative possibilities that you couldn’t do with a human character. But so far we’ve only ever seen ALF doing things a human actor could do. He sits around, plays the piano, knocks shit over…at that point, why even have a puppet?

The ALF set was a legendary hotbed of frustration and stress, and that was largely due to the fact that the show was so complicated to shoot. In order to allow ALF to move around, the set was built with a series of trenches and trap doors, and the actors had to be careful not to fall into one and break their spine as they walked around delivering their own lines. What’s more, if any line was fumbled or a prop failed to function, everything had to be reset and the whole ordeal repeated. Due to this, episodes of ALF took something like ten times as long to shoot as the average sitcom.

But with that taken as a given, it’s even odder that all we ever see ALF do is sit in a chair and spout shitty jokes. If you’re going to put your actors and floor staff through hell, at least make it worth their while. Have them navigating these ridiculous conditions for a purpose…don’t just do it so that a puppet can sit at a table like any other actor could. What a waste of time.

It’s strange. Imagine The Muppets without physical comedy and puppet-only set-pieces. Sure, maybe they’d still be funny, but what would have been the point? Jim Henson didn’t spend a life designing and refining and working with these things so that they could sit around a dinner table…he explored the possibilities of his medium. Fusco, for some reason, resists doing anything with the puppet, and when we get a lively exception in a moment like this, that becomes positively maddening.

ALF, "Border Song"

Anyway, the phone rings, and it’s Willie. He tells ALF to put Kate on, and ALF delivers my favorite joke in the episode: “Hey Kate! I’m the King of France.”

You probably think I’m being sarcastic, but I really do like that. I’m disappointed that they cranked up the fake audience laughter so quickly after ALF delivers the line, because it really should hang there for a few seconds before the joke sets in, but that’s more the fault of the editors than the writers. I like this.

ALF then hangs up on Willie, and Max Wright makes the face you see above at the telephone / his career trajectory.

ALF, "Border Song"

The next scene begins with ALF sitting naked on the couch with Brian, drinking a beer. This was a great show for families, and it helped millions of children worldwide see that there was nothing wrong with the occasional game of Secret Tickles.

Willie comes home and shoos ALF into the kitchen, because he brought the Mexican boy back with him. When the kid walks through the door the fake audience that doesn’t exist is so moved that they vocalize their pity.

What a depressing job it must have been to edit audience reactions into ALF. It was up to you to pretend somebody gave a shit about what was happening on this worthless show.

ALF, "Border Song"

The boy is introduced as Luis Mancilla, and of course there has to be a joke about how fuckable Lynn is. Yes, the ALF writers’ room must have been such a pleasant, welcoming environment.

I also love that in any given screengrab from this show, every character looks miserable. Just putting that out there.

Then there’s this really weird conversation about Lynn’s school photo. She says it makes her look like “the village idiot,” but Kate says it doesn’t, and the whole thing just goes on and out without building to any sort of punchline, so they’re obviously just padding things out at this point. I’ll never get tired of pointing out how much the writers need to reach for something to tell a story about, and then when they have it they can’t think of anything to do with it.

Luis goes to the bathroom and Willie tells the family that he felt so bad for the kid that he had to take him home. So Willie is not only a social worker in LA that doesn’t know any Spanish, but he also doesn’t see anything wrong with taking lost children home without telling anybody. I’m pretty sure ALF is a show about a family of undiagnosed psychopaths.

ALF, "Border Song"

Anyway, because it’s this show, ALF pops up in the kitchen window, spills beer everywhere, and then licks it up.

Oh well. It was nice to hear from the One Good Writer again, however briefly.

That night Luis gets up to flee the Tanner house, instantly making him the most intelligent character this show has ever given us. It’s a little odd, though, that for all his overwhelming compassion toward the boy, Willie not only made him sleep on the couch, but didn’t give him any bed clothes. Poor Luis had to sleep in a buttoned workshirt, jeans, and even his sneakers. Awesome social work, Willie.

Instead of leaving through the door that he’s sleeping literally four feet away from, Luis winds through the house to the back door that he somehow knew was there, and exits through ALF’s vegetable garden.

Of course, since it’s a garden Luis immediately starts toiling in it, because he’s Mexican. Then when he needs some tools he knocks a whole bunch of shit over, because he’s clumsy and Mexican.

ALF, "Border Song"

ALF hears the disturbance and assumes it’s Bob Barker, so he comes out with the intention of beating the small animal to death. Have I mentioned what a fantastic show this was for families?

Luis sees him and is understandably terrified, but ALF calms him down by speaking to him in Spanish. He introduces himself, says that he’s friendly, and explains that he came from space. I assume he’s not worried about disclosing this fact to a stranger because despite it being established in the first episode as top secret information that nobody could be told under any circumstance, Luis is Mexican and nobody will ever care what he says.

ALF then puts Luis to work in his garden, which is how they bond. Obviously.

ALF, "Border Song"

The next day at work Willie is bitching out his secretary again, and then his boss comes in. I spent a lot of time trying to remember where I’ve seen this guy before, and I finally realized he played the doctor on Get a Life. Looking him up on IMDB I see that his name is Earl Boen, and not only has he had an awesome career (and played a shit-ton of doctors), but he voiced LeChuck in the Secret of Monkey Island video games. This guy is officially awesome.

Boen is actually really good here. He doesn’t get to do much, but he hates Willie and delivers his lines without making funny faces for the camera, so by the standards of this show that should qualify him for an Emmy. This might be the first ALF character that I’ve ever wanted to see again.

Anyway, Willie gets in trouble for taking a kid home with him last night without telling anyone. You’d think that would be a major strike against Willie keeping his job since it’s, you know, a pretty heinous crime and everything. But instead he’s just told not to do it again. In the world of ALF, every arm of the government operates on the honor system.

ALF, "Border Song"

Willie comes home that night with news that he’s located Luis’s father. However he’s also uncovered some additional facts: his father lives in Riverside, not Mexico, and he works at a carpet factory. Fredo Mancilla has been worried sick about Luis, who, it is revealed, can speak English perfectly well.

It turns out he just wanted to go back to Mexico so he could have a better life, and it sure is interesting to see that Sean Hannity got his start writing for ALF.

Fortunately the alien is here to solve everything. He tells Luis to go live with his dad and shut the fuck up about wanting to be happier. These sage words inspire the boy, and he agrees to stay in America. He also promises to visit ALF sometime.

I won’t be holding my breath.

ALF, "Border Song"

That was a pretty awful episode, but the final little scene before the credits does end things on a high note. Willie walks in on ALF playing video games, and asks what game it is. When he’s told it’s Space Invaders, he asks, “What do they do? Crash into your garage? Eat all your food? Dig up your yard?” And ALF replies, “You’re in a mood!”

It’s…actually really funny. This episode had a good four or five genuine laughs, which I’m pretty sure doubles the total number of genuine laughs I’ve had all season. Yeah, there’s some other crap in this scene about ALF ruining the gardening tools and the fact that he cultivates earthworms now, but this video game joke — filtering our “idea” of aliens through the eyes of an actual alien — is funny, and there’s even an additional joke about their mindless attack patterns being “exactly why the Martians are extinct.”

There’s potential in this show. There really is. There’s a talented puppeteer, a ripe central premise, good jokes sprinkled here in there, and limitless possibilities.

Instead of leaning on any of those things, though, the show is content to introduce and dispose of new characters weekly, inventing pointless conflicts that fizzle out because that’s easier than writing a real resolution. I’m still not convinced that anyone in the family is a character, and the laziness of the writing staff carries loud and clear through the bored performances of the actors.

ALF is the kind of show that nobody remembers for what it was, but everyone remembers for what they would have liked it to be. From what I’ve heard, season two narrows that gap somewhat. But we’re not out of the woods yet.

—-
* ALF does at one point suggest planting cotton, but I’m sure that wasn’t a deliberate slavery joke.

Three and Thirty-Three

The Muppet Movie

Two years ago, in February, this site was born. 32 years ago, in February, I was born, too. Today is my birthday, and it’s close enough to the site’s anniversary that I think it’s fair to reflect on both at once. This site will be entering its third year in this world. I’ll be entering my thirty-third.

Ace-reader RaikoLives used a phrase in reference to his own comment on a recent article: he said, “That got maudlin quick.” It stuck with me, because it’s something I could say about almost anything I write. I’m hoping that combining some personal perspective with perspective on the website will prevent that from happening. Or, at least, allow it to happen more slowly.

I’ve never actually told anybody the reason I started Noiseless Chatter. I’ve given various explanations that were all true, in a strict sense, but not quite comprehensive. So, here it goes: I needed to.

I’ve always written. I’ll never argue that I’m great at it, but I can say for sure that it’s an essential component of who I am. It keeps me sane. It keeps me grounded. It (perhaps most importantly) keeps me humble. And so when I moved in with my then-girlfriend, and I simply didn’t have an opportunity to write the way — or the kinds of things — I used to, I decided to do this. I figured it would be easy to set up, and I could write things whenever I felt like it. The nature of a blog makes it equally suited to both long-form thought pieces and quick, minor updates, so I figured it was a good way to keep my options open.

That’s also why I didn’t give Noiseless Chatter a specific focus. Books, television, film, music, politics, video games, personal essays…there’s all kinds of stuff here. That wide remit is actually one of the issues I think the site has; folks who find me because they liked something I wrote about a novel would probably get tired of wading for months through other things before I decided to write about another one. Those tuning in for weekly ALF reviews probably wonder why I post so much miscellaneous crap in the interim.

But, I’ll tell you what…while that lack of focus probably results in a much lower “attachment rate” for visitors here, it does mean that the folks that do stick around mean that much more to me. There’s something strangely flattering about it…even though I have no idea — and never have any idea — of what I’ll cover next, people are looking forward to reading it anyway. That means more to me than larger numbers ever would, so thank you.

And, really. I mean that. Thank you.

Because I might have started this site as an outlet to keep myself writing, to keep myself sane, to keep myself me. But that relationship is over. So much about my life has changed. The past two years have been tumultuous, triumphant, and terrifying in turn. But I’m still here, even though I don’t “need” it anymore. Its original purpose has been rendered redundant, but here I am. And here I’ll stay. It’s more than what it was, and it means the world to me that you guys and gals made it that way.

So thank you, to all of you regular commenters, to all of you who rarely comment, and all of you who say nothing but are still there reading my drivel.

I do want to extend particular thanks to a handful of commenters who made these past two years better for me than I can reasonably express. Jeff, RaikoLives, Ridley and Justin always seem to be there no matter what I post, and even if I was writing only for them I’d still feel pretty great about it.

More recently Sarah Portland and Megan have been active, intelligent, welcome presences…the former being a great new person I’ve been fortunate enough to get to know online, and the latter being an old friend that I am very happy to reconnect with.

Also, some special props to mysterious commenter E[X]. I have no clue who he is — or even if he is a he — but he’s said that he’s been following me around the internet for several years now, so if I ever go missing, check his basement first.

The blog’s grown a lot, and only some of that effort is mine. The rest is yours, for discussing, sharing, circulating, supporting. It’s also recently sprouted a few branches: a Facebook page with more frequent, unique updates; a fiction anthology due for release this spring; a Twitter feed I still have no idea what to do with BUT IT IS THERE SO FOLLOW IT.

Noiseless Chatter is getting 200 visitors daily now, and not that long ago I was hovering around 40 on a good day. Google’s awarded it a PageRank of 3, which is not half bad for a sporadically updated blog of meandering bullshit. And I’m seeing more and more unfamiliar names in the comments section as time goes by. It feels great.

And I guess that’s what I want to say to you all: it feels great. 32 is over. I’m happy to see it go. 33 is going to be great, and so is 3.

I started this blog as an aimless dumping ground. Then you guys came along, and I felt obligated to keep it up, even when I wasn’t sure why or what I was doing…when I felt lost in my own life…when I seriously questioned my value as an artist, and as a person. Then everything fell apart…and just knowing there was somebody — or even a few somebodys — out there who cared about anything I did carried me through the hardest time in my life. You helped me simply because you were there. And with some distance, a clear head, and a more realistic perspective on the world around me, I wanted to take the time to say thank you.

Noiseless Chatter wouldn’t be the same without you…but, more to the point, neither would I. Thank you for keeping me sane. You all are jolly good fellows.

Many happy returns.

The Lost Worlds of Power: Submissions Closed!

Super Mario Bros. 2

…aaaand we’re done! The submission period for the Lost Worlds of Power fiction anthology is officially at an end. If you’re reading this and you haven’t submitted your finished piece — or haven’t arranged a deadline extension, as a handful of folks have — you’re too late.

I’d love to keep the submission window open, but the fact is that we have to close it sometime, and this brings us one step closer to actually, you know, having a book you can read.

If you have submitted something and not heard back from me, let me know in the comments below. Be sure to enter an email address you actually check; it won’t be published, but that’s how I’ll get in touch. As of now, I’ve replied to every story I’ve received. If you didn’t get a reply, I didn’t get it, so let me know!

The next step for us is to work our way through the submissions and decide which ones will be included in the final volume. We got a lot more submissions than expected, so while we’re hoping to have definite answers by the end of this month, please be patient. Some of them are quite long and we want to make sure we have the time to give everything respectful consideration. Of course, the ones I’ve read so far are also quite good, so I think it’s safe to say that whatever the final volume looks like, it’s going to be incredible.

The next step for you is simply to stay tuned! Everybody will get a personalized email informing them of whether or not their story has been selected for inclusion, and any announcements will be posted here on Noiseless Chatter as well. So stick around, read about some ALF, and sit tight.

Thank you, as always, for your interest. Everybody. Whether you submitted a story, shared and circulated the information about it, wrote about it on your own website, or even just thought, “Huh. Sounds neat,” and figured you’d just wait and read the final book: thank you.

Again, more info to come as soon as possible. The cover art is looking great so far, and physical copies seem like more or less a sure thing at this point. As always, The Lost Worlds of Power will be available in eBook form for no charge. And from what I’ve read so far, it will absolutely be worth your time.

All the best, and you’ll be hearing from us soon!

ALF Reviews: “Try to Remember” (Season 1, Episode 16)

I…yeah. Episode sixteen is a clip show.

Take a moment to let that sink in. We’re barely halfway through the first season, and already there’s a clip show.

I do understand the value of clips shows. I don’t particularly like them, but I understand why they exist. It’s a relatively fast and inexpensive way to add another episode to the running order, and in the days before complete season DVDs, they were often the only way to re-live favorite moments from years ago.

Personally, I was always disappointed when I made a point of watching a show I enjoyed only to find out that the “all-new episode” was a clip show. Stitching together moments leads to a disjointed viewing experience that dulls the effect of even the best gags, as all of the context is removed. Clip shows try to follow the lead of “Greatest Hits” albums by including all of the things you remember in one convenient package, but in practice they turn out more like bizarre re-edits that grab one verse from this song, the guitar solo from that song over here, the chorus from this other one, and slap them together without any regard for how it actually flows.

The only time that I think clip shows have actually reached their potential is in the case of sketch comedy. There they can manage to pull off the Greatest Hits approach, because each of the skits has its own context that’s largely free from the original episode. Granted, shows like Monty Python’s Flying Circus and Mr. Show took great pains to keep one skit flowing into the next, and that level of artistry and flow undoubtedly suffers when chopped up and resequenced, but it can at least work. Sitcom clip shows don’t, and probably can’t, because things don’t happen in isolation. You’re not watching a stream of jokes…you’re watching a humorous story unfold. Try to separate one from the other and you’re left with nothing at all.

All of that is academic, though, because even though most sitcoms would wait until they have enough material for a clip show before actually making one, ALF dives into that particular well when there are only fifteen episodes from which to draw. Why they didn’t at least wait for the end of the season — especially since the plot of the episode is absolutely appropriate for a season finale — is beyond me.

Or, actually, maybe it’s not. So far ALF has been nothing but laziness incarnate. Lazy plotting, lazy characterization, and now the textbook example of a lazy episode; a shambling Frankenstein’s monster of other things stitched together. We’re approaching the lazy singularity.

Oh, and it’s an hour long. ALF is really spoiling us.

ALF, "Try to Remember"

The central conceit is that ALF loses his memory, and the Tanners have to remind him of who he is. That in itself isn’t a very unique concept for a clip show, but the execution is surprisingly competent. In fact, the original material in “Try to Remember” is probably the best stuff in the entire show since the Jodie episode.

I’ll get to that in a moment, but first I want to go over a few confusing things about “Try to Remember.”

For starters, this clip show actually contains footage otherwise unavailable from previous episodes, since in a handful of cases they chose to include something that was cut from the syndication edits. It’s nothing major — another line here or there, or a scene of Willie and Kate referencing prison movies during his incarceration in “Pennsylvania 6-5000” — but it’s still interesting.

Another strange thing is that this is one of the few episodes (perhaps the only episode) that is available in full-length form. I don’t know if this is because it was never edited for syndication to begin with or what, but there you go. This is the first as-broadcast episode that I’m reviewing.

Right? Well, not quite. While it sounds nice that “Try to Remember” isn’t a syndication edit, it’s also not the original edit. In a version that only aired once, ALF lost his memory because he brought an electric mixer into the bathtub in order to soak in a “whirlpool.” There was a big flash from off camera, the sound of electrocution, and then smoke pouring out of the bathroom.

Subsequent airings, however, have ALF taking a hand-mixer into the tub instead, slipping and hitting his head instead of getting shocked. The most obvious re-shoot is the beginning, obviously, when this all goes down, but there are also a few other lines cut that refer to the incident later on, including the punchline of the entire episode.

While it does make more sense that ALF would lose his memory due to a head injury than electrocution, the re-edit is pretty silly. It was done so that kids wouldn’t be encouraged to take their own electronics into the bath, despite the fact that the episode actually did a pretty good job of outlining exactly why to not do that.

After all, ALF suffered serious injury as a result of doing this, and a few lines that ended up being cut included Willie, Kate and Lynn scolding ALF for being so stupid, as well as questioning why he’d do it to begin with. And if that wasn’t clear enough, ALF himself appears at the end of the episode to speak to the children at home and tell them not to do what he just did. (Needless to say, this was cut from the re-edit as well.)

In the previous episodes we’ve seen ALF wreck the house, diddle the kids, torment the cat, set the kitchen on fire, issue cryptic threats to the president, buy things without permission on somebody else’s credit card, crash a car into the house, grab the wheel while somebody else was driving, and God knows what else that I’ve mercifully forgotten.

In none (literally none) of the above situations was ALF chastised in any serious way for his behavior. He does these nasty, dangerous things without consequence.

“Try to Remember” was the first time ALF actually had to deal with the fallout from his dumbdickassery, as well as the first time the show made a point of telling kids at home not to emulate his bullshit, and that’s what gets cut. I’m…dumbfounded.

ALF, "Try to Remember"

Another very strange thing about this episode is that the opening sequence is different. The theme tune sounds sped up (artificially…not due to a re-record with a faster tempo) and there’s a new shot of ALF reaching into the refrigerator and Kate slapping his hand. There’s also an extended bit at the end with the family getting ready to have their picture taken. You’d think that a faster tempo would suggest that things were removed from the opening sequence rather than added, but I didn’t notice any trims. Maybe a second here and a second there were snipped in order to make room for the new stuff. Either way…it’s odd. I wonder if this will be the intro going forward. I kind of hope not, because the sped up theme tune sounds awful.

What story there is, as I said, is actually handled quite well. ALF losing his memory is nothing to write home about, but what happens after that is not half bad…mainly because he behaves believably. When he hits his head (or zaps himself) in the tub, he’s reading a letter from an insurance company, which causes him to believe that he’s an insurance agent. (Good thing he wasn’t reading The Shining, I guess.)

After that, ALF behaves more or less the way somebody would if they did believe they were somebody totally different from who they’re being told they are. He complains, he fights back, he worries that he’s being kidnapped, and he eventually calls the police to save him from this crazy family that won’t let him leave.

It’s not bad, and honestly it deserved an episode of its own more than just about any story we’ve seen so far, so it’s a bit of a shame that it’s relegated to a clip show.

Anyway, since the rest of the episode is just clips of stuff I’ve already reviewed, I’m going to forgo re-reviewing them and I’ll present instead my own personal highlights of the series so far.

ALF, "A.L.F."

ALF embarks on a quest to bed each of the remaining Tanners while Willie is away on business. (From the episode “Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad.”)

ALF, "Don't It Make Your Brown Eyes Blue?"

Willie moves ALF (and the audience) to tears with an episode-length version of “Candle in the Wind” that he wrote about the destruction of Melmac. (From the episode “Your Song.”)

ALF, "Looking For Lucky"

ALF writes a novel. In real time. (From the special four-hundred-hour-long episode “Paperback Writer.”)

ALF, "Strangers in the Night"

Mr. Ochmonek swaggers triumphantly into the bedroom after blocking up the Tanners’ toilet with an enormous shit. (From the episode “Black Water.”)

ALF, "Pennsylvania 6-5000"

Willie reaches repeatedly into exposed wiring for 22 minutes, which was Paul Fusco’s ironic punishment to Max Wright for requesting more screen time. (From the episode “E-lec-tricity.”)

ALF, "A.L.F."

ALF witnesses a rape. (From the episode “Doctor My Eyes.”)

ALF, "Keepin' the Faith"

The prostitutes arrive and inform Willie that they all had lots of sex but their clients refused to pay them so now he needs to go beat them up. (From the episode “Willie the Pimp.”)

ALF, "Pennsylvania 6-5000"

Brian sits around doing nothing because they were paying this kid for a full day and might as well stick him somewhere. (From the episode “Radio Free Europe.”)

ALF, "Oh, Tannerbaum"

It’s the day before Easter. ALF has hidden all the Christmas trees. (From the episode “Tannermelon in Easter Hay.”)

ALF, "Pennsylvania 6-5000"

Max Wright is arrested for possession of crack cocaine. (From the episode “The Making of ALF.”)

ALF, "Don't It Make Your Brown Eyes Blue?"

After accidentally killing Bruce Springsteen with a pitchfork, ALF must go on tour with the E-Street Band disguised as The Boss to keep the authorities from getting suspicious. (From the episode “Tenth Avenue Freeze Out.”)

ALF, "On the Road Again"

ALF sets himself on fire. Coming to their senses at last, nobody helps him. (From the episode “Burning Down the House.”)

ALF, "Jump"

Willie accidentally joins Al-Qaeda. (From the episode “Sky Pilot.”)

ALF, "Oh, Tannerbaum"

Mr. Ochmonek swaggers triumphantly into the living room after blocking up the Tanners’ septic tank with an enormous shit. (From the episode “Black Water, Part 2.”)

ALF, "Oh, Tannerbaum"

ALF and Willie about to consummate their relationship during a drive-in screening of 9 1/2 Weeks. (From the episode “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.”)

ALF, "I've Got a New Attitude"

While attempting to channel the spirit of Bob Crane, ALF accidentally summons the ghost of a serial killer, and then goes apeshit and kills everyone. (From the episode “Careful With That Axe, Eugene.”)

So, that’s it. ALF gets his memory back at the end (whoops, spoiler) and the back half of the first season can continue to bring us so much joy.

I’ll leave you with this image from a scene cut from the syndicated edit of some episode I can’t place:
ALF, "Try to Remember"

The caption contest for that one is officially open. Make me proud, children.


ADDITIONAL: There’s a video which has been making the rounds recently, and for good reason. It’s very well done for what it is. (Thanks to Sarah Holmes and James Bull for sending it my way.)

But I would like to dispel one unflattering rumor. I do not appear in this video with ALF!
ALF Delta Commercial

I understand the confusion. This woman has served as my stunt double many times. We go way back. But I was not involved in this video. If it were me, I would have tweaked ALF’s nipple or something. If you see ALF with somebody who isn’t tweaking his nipple, you can conclude safely that it isn’t me. Thank you for understanding.

The Lost Worlds of Power Submissions Due Friday! (-ish)

Worlds of Power:  Metal Gear

We’re down to a matter of days, now! So far we’ve had some great submissions, and we expect even more as the deadline approaches.

Since the deadline is Friday the 31st, I’ve decided to keep submissions open until midnight on Sunday, February 2. Closing the submission window right before a nice, meaty weekend of revision time just didn’t feel right, so congratulations…you’ve got yourself another 48 hours to craft one hell of a terrible video game novelization.

Read the rules here, and get to work! If the submissions so far are any indication, you’ll be in great company. And stay tuned here…because we should have lots of news relatively soon, including the grand reveal of our final cover.

As well as info on physical copies. PHYSICAL COPIES? YES I SAID THAT

If you still haven’t started your submission, don’t fret. The Worlds of Power series practically cries out for a half-assed rushjob. Just think about which NES game you’d like to novelize, and then mishandle it as thoroughly as possible.

Updates to come. If you have submitted something to me and have not heard back…then I didn’t get it! I’ve replied to every submission so far to confirm receipt. If you didn’t hear back from me, get in touch! Email, comment below, anything. But let me know, because that means it never made it to me!

Good luck, everyone!