ALF Reviews: “The Boy Next Door” (season 2, episode 13)

Who is Brian Tanner?

I asked a similar question about Willie a few weeks back, and you can probably guess why: that was an episode that, at long last, made a sincere effort to answer it.

This time I’m asking it about Brian. Not because the episode’s going to answer it, but because as of this episode, Brian Tanner is dead.

This stretch of three episodes has had me worried for a while. “Hail to the Chief” was terrible, but not as bad as I had feared. I think the reason is I don’t hate it so much is that it managed to be extremely bland and forgettable. The “Kate dreams of ALF being president” thing was no less stupid than I expected, but the episode as a whole is pretty easy to overlook, which is the nicest thing I can say about it. (In all honesty, though, I’m still glad to say it.)

Then we had “ALF’s Special Christmas.” Which I’d rather not talk about ever again.

Now it’s “The Boy Next Door,” which actually has a lot more going for it than I expected it to have. It’s still, however, problematic, and kind of sad, for the reason I expected: Brian is meeting his replacement.

I’ll come back to that thought, but first we see something kind of nice: a good cold open, with the Tanners having family game night. It’s a great way to get all of these characters together and interacting, which I’m not sure has ever happened before. Even on their road trips, it’s usually one or two Tanners doing something, and everyone else sitting quietly in the background. This, I’m pretty sure, is the first time they’ve resembled anything like a family.

They’re playing charades, and ALF doesn’t understand how it works. While this leads to a funny moment, I was afraid it was also a continuity error. It turns out my memory deceived me, though; while Willie suggested a game of charades in “On the Road Again,” they didn’t actually play it, so this can still qualify as ALF’s first exposure to the game.

The funny moment is that Kate is giving clues and Brian answers, correctly, that the film’s title is The Birds.* ALF, upset, says it’s not fair that Brian got it right, because Kate was giving him signals to help him guess.

It’s a fun moment of naivete, which Willie ruins by saying, “HhhhhALFf, thaat’s hhow…y’ouu plaheyy charaades.”

Whatever. Then it’s ALF’s turn and he indicates that it’s a movie title and then points at himself. Nobody guesses correctly so he reveals that it’s The Man Who Would be King, which is less a punchline than it is a thing ALF says right before the credits.

ALF, "The Boy Next Door"

The episode wastes no time in introducing New Brian.** It’s Jake, Mr. Ochmonek’s nephew, who comes from New York yet still learned his accent from Saturday morning cartoons. The Ochmoneks are letting him stay with them for a while, which once again proves that they’re way nicer than the asshole Tanners.

Okay, granted, the Tanners are letting ALF stay, but I’m pretty sure that’s just because they know if he moves out, they won’t get to be on TV anymore. It’s not a selfless act of hospitality at all.

Jake is going to be staying with the Ochmoneks while his father is away, which will be five years. “Unless he gets time off for good behavior,” clarifies Mr. O, which is both a funny line and a fun way of conveying knowledge to the audience without hitting them over the head with it. That’s a combination so rare on this show that I need to point it out whenever it happens.

ALF, "The Boy Next Door"

Kate and Mrs. Ochmonek go into the kitchen to make some iced tea for everyone, and Mrs. O reveals how happy she is to be a mother. That’s…really cool, actually. I’ve liked Mr. Ochmonek for a while now, but this is the first time Mrs. Ochmonek gets to be a character as well, instead of some vague notion of a busybody. So, yeah, the episode that finally gives up on Brian is actually working to flesh out Mrs. Ochmonek. Take that, Benji Gregory.

In fact, at one point in the kitchen, Mrs. Ochmonek asks Kate what she thinks of Jake. Jake’s said exactly two words by that point, so Kate says he seems quiet. Mrs. Ochmonek replies, “Well, Brian doesn’t say much, but you don’t see me making a stink.”

The equivalency there is important, I think. “The Boy Next Door” knows what it’s doing. It knows that Brian is being rendered redundant, and it’s already come to terms with that. Brian was stillborn in his usefulness to this show, and now the writers are finally admitting it to themselves.

ALF never succeeded in finding anything to do with Brian. In fact, I remember only two attempts: his birthday (which was overshadowed completely by the possibility of ALF’s departure) and the fucking asparagus concert. But, here, with two and a half seasons ahead of it — which is more than the show has behind it — ALF is giving up on him, and serving up his replacement in a special introductory episode.

Jake, admittedly, circumvents a lot of the problems the writers had with Brian. For starters, he lives next door, which means they don’t need to dredge up some pointless thing for him to say every week. If he’s not part of any given story, he simply doesn’t show up.

He also comes equipped with a character trait, which is seven character traits more than Brian ever had. We’ll see this soon enough, but Jake is a troubled youth. Boom. Plotlines aplenty. Cliched plotlines, yes, but it at least means we won’t see Jake dancing and singing in a vegetable costume.

Thirdly, he’s not related to Lynn, which means he can talk about how much he wants to fuck her. That might be why Brian was such a difficult character for the writers; they don’t know what to do with a male unless it’s have him talk a lot about porking the teenage girl.

ALF, "The Boy Next Door"

Mrs. Ochmonek explains to Kate that she’s always wanted children, but, ultimately, they decided not to have kids so that Mr. Ochmonek could get his master’s in art history.

That’s treated as a joke, and rightly so; it’s a good one. It subverts (or is subverted by) everything we’d expect of the uncouth Mr. O. And that’s why it can be funny…we actually do expect things of him. This M.A. in Art History detail can successfully go against his character because he has character to go against.

Also, unlike the mean-spirited bitching the Tanners did about him in “Come Fly With Me,” here it’s a joke for the audience to enjoy. Nobody’s making fun of him…it’s just a detail being revealed that registers as humorous to those of us watching at home. There’s a big difference between the comedy of learning that Mr. O appreciates the fine arts and the comedy of Mr. O being a hideous cripple.

Then there’s a part where Kate finds ALF’s hair in a jug of milk, which I’m not sure why she reached for in the first place since I don’t believe any recipe for iced tea calls for that.

Kate makes a friendly offer to Mrs. Ochmonek that if she has any questions, she knows where to find her. Mrs. O immediately pulls out a piece of paper and asks if Jake’s old enough to date, if he should get an allowance, what a proper bedtime would be, and this is good. Yeah, it’s silly, but it’s silliness that reflects a very human impulse. Mrs. Ochmonek doesn’t just want to be a mother…she wants to be a good mother.

Her eagerness is funny, but it’s also sweet, and it seems like a pretty great inroad for exploring her as a character. I wonder if the rest of the season follows through on this. I doubt it, but what a way to redeem the character.

ALF, "The Boy Next Door"

Jake is a bad boy, which we learn when he puts his feet up on the coffee table. He’s 15, and Lynn talks to him for a while about the fact that they’ll be attending the same school while Brian adjusts to the role he’ll play in every subsequent episode: set dressing.

In last week’s review, ace commenter FelixSH said (among other excellent things), “Brian is not a character but a cipher.” He’s right. Maybe a bit too generous by calling him a cipher, even. He’s just a thing that’s on the stage. I could tell you exactly as much about the character of the sofa as I could tell you about him.

Their inability to find a role for this kid baffles me. Brian’s an eight-year-old boy who lives with a fuckin’ alien. What do you need, a road map?

Brian is growing up, so maybe ALF could help him learn lessons along the way. Or maybe Brian, in a role reversal, could actually help ALF learn lessons. Or they could go on adventures together…even if it’s just the two of them playing in the yard. Or maybe the show could acknowledge that nobody in this family pays attention to anyone else, so ALF and Brian bond over being misfits. Jesus Christ, there’s a thousand things you can do with these two, and that’s before we get into any more general “growing up” plots for Brian alone.

But they’d rather write for a teenager, so they can make more creepy sex jokes. Hooray.

ALF, "The Boy Next Door"

Mr. Ochmonek and Willie go into the bedroom to speak in private, and a couple of funny things happen here. For starters, we see ALF climbing in the window. He looks down and says, “Hold still, Lucky!” Which is funny. But then he follows Willie’s lead in the cold open and steps on the joke by saying, “I’ll be off your back in a minute!” Yes, ALF, we got it.

The other funny thing is that when Willie sees ALF climbing through the window, he quickly slams the door on Mr. Ochmonek, who was following right behind. It’s a very, very simple bit of physical comedy, but it works precisely because it’s not overthought or overplayed.

Willie tells ALF to fuck the fuck off, so ALF hops off of Lucky’s back and drops out of frame. You know, it’s been a while since we’ve seen that cat, but I honestly don’t remember it being five feet tall.

ALF, "The Boy Next Door"

Mr. Ochmonek tells Willie he’s nervous about raising Jake. “He talks back. He disobeys. And I think he stole a bag of peat moss from our living room.” Which is funny…so Willie steps on that joke by asking why he’d have a bag of peat moss in the living room YES WILLIE WE KNOW THAT IS SOMEWHAT OUT OF THE ORDINARY THANK YOU

Willie offers to help with Jake, maybe give him a good talk and straighten him out, and Mr. Ochmonek accepts the offer.

Hey, do you remember how Willie’s a social worker? If so, you have a better memory than ALF, which must have forgotten completely because I can’t imagine a more natural place to mention that detail.

His professional experience doing exactly what he says he’s going to do goes unmentioned. I wonder if they’re ever going to mention it again, or if “Willie abducts a Mexican kid” was really the only plotline they could think to spin out of it.

ALF, "The Boy Next Door"

Then we’re treated to some really odd, almost aggressive anti-flirtation between Jake and Lynn, culminating with him asking her to jump out of a cake for him.

She refuses, but the look on her face makes her seem bizarrely flattered, so thank you, ALF, for making it all too easy to believe that she’d enjoy getting plowed by an obnoxious 15-year-old that she just met.

Speaking of cake, Willie invites Jake over for some after dinner, and when we see it, damn is it some shitty looking cake.

ALF, "The Boy Next Door"

I’m not surprised Jake doesn’t show up for this. I wouldn’t either. It looks like one of those filthy chunks of ice you find stuck to the underside of your car.

ALF wants it though, so he pounds the table and chants, “Cake, cake, cake.” I’m not really annoyed by this, because it’s pretty much the kind of childlike behavior I wish he demonstrated more. Later, during the conversation about Jake, he “sneakily” pulls the tablecloth so that the cake moves closer to him. Which is cute.

…but why, exactly, is he here at all? They’re waiting for Jake. Shouldn’t he be in hiding? I guess he could shuffle off to another room when Jake shows up, but then why invite him to the table at all if he’s not going to be given the cake and isn’t allowed to meet the company?

Whatever. The punchline is that Jake isn’t coming, so Kate gives ALF the cake and ALF drools or something. The episode already gave up on Brian, and from this point on it’s given up on itself.

ALF, "The Boy Next Door"

That night Jake sneaks into Willie’s shed and steals his telescope. I don’t know why that’s what he decides to take, but he makes a bee-line for it, so I assume he already has a buyer. God knows this kid’s not going to turn out to be an astronomy buff.

Jake then has to hide, because ALF comes into the shed. And this — this — is a golden opportunity.

No joke. Usually when night falls, we cut to the next morning. This is done for reasons of keeping the plots — such as they are — scooting along, but it means we never get much of a sense of what ALF does all night. This is a perfect chance to make us laugh, because it’s something we’ve been passively expecting for a year and a half.

What sort of silliness does ALF get up to when the humans are asleep? I can’t believe we’re finally going to find out!

All we find out, though, is that the writers don’t know the answer to that question either.

ALF, "The Boy Next Door"

ALF sings “Billie Jean.” He dances for a while. Then he calls a guy in Scotland and tells Star Trek jokes to him. The Scottish guy responds by playing “Papa Don’t Preach” on the bagpipes.

What the actual fuck is going on here.

Did they actually, finally, naturally get the chance to flesh out some previously-unexplored aspect of their main cocksucking character, and choose to pave over it with nonsense filler?

Jesus God, this show. It’s like it doesn’t even want to exist.

ALF, "The Boy Next Door"

Jake sees ALF and drops the telescope. I’d list all of the characters who’ve seen ALF, but at this point I think it would be quicker to list the people on this show who have not seen ALF. That whole secrecy aspect of the show sure went out the window fast.

ALF makes Jake repair the telescope. I have no clue how this kid is going to repair shattered glass, but evidently he accomplishes it by sitting on the steps for a while while ALF tells him literally everything about himself. Through the magic of editing, it’s as good as new!

Jake says that his dad taught him to fix things. Including shattered glass, I guess. Ugh. It’s not like he broke a vase or a trophy or something he could glue back together. A telescope is a delicate scientific instrument. You can’t just drop one so hard that it breaks and then “fix” it by hand.

Who knows. Maybe it’s not fixed, and Jake and ALF just both realized at the same time that neither of them give a shit about Willie’s feelings anyway.

ALF, "The Boy Next Door"

Later that night, ALF remembers that he has a whole new child to molest, so he spies on Jake through the window. This is when we are made privy to the horrific extent of the boy’s juvenile delinquency: he crumples up some sheets of blank paper and throws them around.

Mrs. Ochmonek comes in and reveals that the vase contained somebody’s ashes, which makes ALF laugh. And, you know, that is kind of shitty. It also works against the main point of the episode, which is that ALF proves that Jake is actually a really good kid.

No, he’s not. Dumping out somebody’s ashes and showing no remorse is not the work of a good kid. And laughing uproariously at this behavior is not the work of someone in any place to judge a kid’s goodness.

Whatever. ALF signals to Jake that he wants to finger his rectum, so Jake gets rid of Mrs. O by saying her husband wants to fuck her. She trots off, dripping with horn. Man, remember those couple of minutes earlier on when she was actually some kind of character? Those were some heady times.

ALF, "The Boy Next Door"

ALF gives Jake a bunch of shit to fix. Mrs. Ochmonek hears him talking to somebody, and he calls to her that it’s just the TV.

ALF, to keep up the illusion, shouts, “Live from New York! It’s Saturday night!” And, man, I am absolutely positive Paul Fusco masturbated himself raw at the idea that ALF would even be considered for hosting Saturday Night Live.

The next day Willie is ignoring his daughter talk about her upcoming birthday*** because he’d rather read some unidentified textbook. This guy is a truly legendary social worker.

Speaking of which, I guess he gave up on straightening Jake out after the rude punk decided not to join them for smashed up crap cake. Troubled youth or not, you only get one shot with Willie Tanner.

ALF, "The Boy Next Door"

Mr. Ochmonek then brings Jake over, because he found a bunch of Willie’s shit in the kid’s room.

ALF reaches through the plot window and hits Willie in the back of the head with a thrown dinner roll. Nobody questions this, including Mr. Ochmonek who saw it happen.

Willie goes into the kitchen where ALF reveals that he gave that crap to Jake to fix, and then they agree that their new friend Jake is one outrageous dude, and totally in their face. Then Willie returns to the living room and apologizes because the episode is over.

ALF, "The Boy Next Door"

Lynn pats Jake on the head, and Jake says, “You want me, don’t you?” Brian, meanwhile, has silently drowned in the tub.

The short scene before the credits is pointless. ALF smacks a puzzle piece into place where it doesn’t belong. And…that’s a pretty good metaphor for this episode overall. It was so weird and disjointed, with everything being forced to happen rather than allowed to happen.

I’m pretty disappointed in the introduction of Jake for a few reasons. For one, it really does represent the show giving up on Brian, which is utterly baffling. The fucking kid’s in the opening credits…you can’t even try to do anything with him?

And isn’t it a bit early to be adding Cousin Oliver to the mix? That’s usually a late-game shakeup to try to bring some life back into a show that’s gone stale. ALF is only halfway through its second season, and already they can’t think of anything to do but toss new characters in?

The worst part is that I know they just keep doing it from this point on. Kate has another baby, Jim J. Bullock moves in, Dr. Potato Famine comes to life and rents Willie’s basement…they keep trying in the hopes that, eventually, something they add will make this shit funny.

Oh well. We’ll see where it goes. It could still prove to be a good decision.

Maybe Jake bullies Brian and we’ll squeeze another plot out of that dead kid yet. Or maybe Mrs. Ochmonek gets to work the “new mother” aspect of her character a bit and actually turn into someone worth having on the show. Or maybe Jake cums down the front of Lynn’s sweater and she has to pretend it’s toothpaste.

Whatever happens, the scary trilogy of awful horseshit is over, and we should be back to normal shit levels from now on.

The fact that that thought is actually comforting to me is worrying.

MELMAC FACTS: ALF had a cousin from the south side of Melmac, the baddest part of the planet, Pretty Boy Shumway. If he didn’t like your shoes he’d point and you and go “ee-ee-ee-ee.” Which is actually funnier than it sounds. ALF has had liposuction. Which is not as funny as it sounds. On Melmac they only had one guy who knew how to fix things.

* For those keeping score at home, this is the third overt reference to a Hitchcock film. “Strangers in the Night” was (kind of…) about ALF wanting to watch Psycho, and “Lookin’ Through the Windows” was an episode-long pastiche of Rear Window. The interesting thing? All three are Ochmonek episodes. A coincidence, I’m sure, but now I’m really looking forward to the episode in which Mr. Ochmonek and Wizard Beaver agree to murder each other’s wives.

** Yes, I’m deliberately referencing Family Guy. Yes, I hate me too.

*** We learned in “Hail to the Chief” that Lynn was 18, so I guess this means she’s turning 19? And she’s still in high school? Did she stay back, or is there a way to rectify those details that I’m missing?

23 thoughts on “ALF Reviews: “The Boy Next Door” (season 2, episode 13)”

  1. You’ve mentioned before that the Brian-ALF relationship should really be the cornerstone of this show. I recently watched the first season of Rick and Morty and it’s occurred to me that it is in some ways the show that ALF should have been. The A and B plots of each episode are typically split between some adventure that Rick & Morty go on (space, alternate dimensions, various other sci-fi type plots) and stories involving the rest of the family (which, coincidentally, consists of a loser dad, assertive and sometimes frustrated mom, and teenage daughter). If you’ve seen any Rick & Morty episodes, I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts on it in relation to ALF.

    1. Rick and Morty is THE. SHIT. No question. First season is hilarious and can be touching at times, so I’m pretty keen to see where they take it. I think I still prefer the character building and world of Venture Bros more, but they’ve had more seasons to flesh things out. If Rick and Morty can grow and change as much as VB has… it’ll be amazing. You’re pretty right about it being what ALF could have been. Obviously there is a LOT of things stopping it from happening that way, but “strange alien with access to unimaginable technology and young (possibly retarded?) boy assistant go on crazy ass adventures” sounds so much better than… Well… THIS. The mother in Rick and Morty is played by Sarah Chalke (“the other Becky” from Rosanne and Eliot in Scrubs) and the father is played by Chris Parnell (Cyril Figgis on Archer and the awful, awful Doctor on 30 Rock) and they NAIL the same kind of relationship as Willie and Kate have – pedantic, boring suburban man and his intelligent, fiery, repressed wife – but they do it with so much skill and passion it’s amazing. If ANYONE reading this watches R+M, stick out the first episode and get to the second. It may not “click” at first but the second episode is SO funny, you’ll be hooked.

      I second the vote to get Phil’s thoughts on it. Written by Dan Harmon – of Community fame – it’s SO clever, and well paced. If you get the chance, see it!

    2. One of the reasons the writers might have been reluctant to do this is because it turns it into a ‘show for kids,’ and yes I know kids loved ALF but it was supposed to be a family show, that adults watched too. If it was Brian and ALF’s latest adventure it would come across as something on CBeebies.

  2. LOLed at the thought of Lucky being 5 feet tall. And I loved the EE-EE-EE scene. Didn’t he do something like that to scare Jake so he wouldn’t tell the Ochmonecks?

  3. “Mrs. Ochmonek explains to Kate that she’s always wanted children, but, ultimately, they decided not to have kids so that Mr. Ochmonek could get his master’s in art history.

    That’s treated as a joke, and rightly so; it’s a good one. It subverts (or is subverted by) everything we’d expect of the uncouth Mr. O. And that’s why it can be funny…we actually do expect things of him. This M.A. in Art History detail can successfully go against his character because he has character to go against.”

    It’s a good thing that didn’t end with another lame “art history degrees are worthless” jokes. I had Travelocity up on another tab so I could book my flight to go rabbit-punch you. You are safe for now, sir.

    “I’m not surprised Jake doesn’t show up for this. I wouldn’t either. It looks like one of those filthy chunks of ice you find stuck to the underside of your car.”

    Ow, dude. I choked on a cookie.

    “Did they actually, finally, naturally get the chance to flesh out some previously-unexplored aspect of their main cocksucking character, and choose to pave over it with nonsense filler?”

    I feel like your naive hope that they might do something good but then fail to do so would be cuter if they didn’t actually do something good every now and again to prove that they’re at least half-way competent. I’m pretty sure that the One Good Writer had a compound fracture in one of his legs and was laid-up in the hospital for the writing of the Shit Trifecta.

    “Willie tells ALF to fuck the fuck off, so ALF hops off of Lucky’s back and drops out of frame. You know, it’s been a while since we’ve seen that cat, but I honestly don’t remember it being five feet tall.”

    Look, I found a picture of Lucky!

    “Then Willie returns to the living room and apologizes because the episode is over.”

    “Don’t smile because it’s over. Cry because it happened.” – paraphrased Theodore Geisel

    “’m pretty disappointed in the introduction of Jake for a few reasons. For one, it really does represent the show giving up on Brian, which is utterly baffling. The fucking kid’s in the opening credits…you can’t even try to do anything with him?”

    I think it says a lot that the credits shot of him features shoddy camera work, and a glimpse of the studio, and they never bothered to fix it. They probably saw it, shrugged and said “Meh, it’s just Brian.” We’re talking about the first time that anyone encounters Brian, and the impression left is “We didn’t give enough of a shit to fix this shot or re-shoot it. It’s just this kid, and he never gets any good lines anyway.” I don’t think they gave up on him. I think they hired a kid and realized that, as a character, they weren’t interested in fleshing him out.
    Which is dumb, because as you and many other readers have pointed out, the characters on this show have the potential for more. We know that ALF and Kate have a love-hate relationship, and it seems genuine, but only because Anne Schiedeen gives half a fuck. The relationship between ALF and Willie needs to be deeper, and the one between ALF and Brian should be way more fleshed out, as Casey pointed out. I would order them best to worst like this: Kate-ALF, Willie-ALF (thought not nearly enough on either), Lynn-ALF (we got two Lynn-ALF episodes, and they both ended up in your top picks for decent episodes), and way down below in the mine shaft of relationships, Brian-ALF. This kid lives with a mother-fucking alien, and only gives a quarter of a shit at best. He doesn’t have to portray wide-eyed wonderment all the time, but at least take some interest, FFS.
    It’s pretty much every week now that I read these reviews and think, “I could write this better. Hell, a baboon could write this better.” But the potential is killing me. They have something that COULD be thoughtful and funny at the same time, but they churn out crap instead. THAT is what kills me about this show: it could be good, but isn’t. That I could sit down and bang out some ALF fanfic, rewrite each episode better over the course of a weekend, sucks.

      1. Man, I love that painting. Every time I look at it, I laugh and think, “WTF?” :D

  4. Jake automatically wins because he eventually dates Carla Gugino.
    Carla Gugino was on ALF.

    1. ugh, I hate that fucking wop kid! couldn’t take it anymore so I had to stop watching the 3rd season cause he kept showing up, I got better things to do then watch this spaghetti head.

      1. Jake appeared in 14 whole episodes, I believe. Nick Tortellini, played by character actor of the disreputable types, Dan Hadeya, appeared in only FIVE episodes if Cheers. Jakes jyst under half as many episodes as Liz Sheridan. I Don t think he was a mean kid. Kind of abrasive and a wannebe rebel. He also Reminded me a bit of a Fonzie wannabe. He did bring in more character, but neither Jake nor Brian nor Lynn had that sixth sense connection with the alien like Elliott had with E.T. Even the wheelchair bound boy on Mac and Me developed some of that. I just felt like writing even if it is pointless dribble….

  5. I hope Alf teaches this kid some respect. As it stands, I want to punch him in the face. If the goal was to establish that Willie is a huge enough chode that he’s okay with strange kids talking to his daughter like a street whore, they NAILED IT. Alf would have been eating the kid’s remains off the floor if it were my daughter, but hey…I guess that’s why I’m not a social worker who gets regular job promotions.
    On a side note, I must be watching the cut-down, syndicated versions because I’ve noticed quite a bit of disparity between your Season 2 reviews and the godawful shit I’m watching. It’s only disheartening because whenever you say “I actually liked this part where…,” you’re referencing a part they cut in my version. Almost invariably.
    I’ll go ahead and give you a heads up on something since I’m here. I started watching ALF since reading your reviews (I really wanted to see some of the bad moments for myself; especially Willie’s profound stage presence) and I accidentally started to watch an episode from Season 3. It was called “Tonight, Tonight,” and the experience was pretty much like kicking the lid off the Ark of the Covenant and staring into the resulting Godfire o’ Judgment while masturbating with a handful of broken seashells (which, in all fairness to ALF, is what I usually do when I’m watching TV so I guess I can’t blame the show entirely.)
    I’ve been able to watch every episode thus far, even enjoying many of them on some level. I couldn’t even get through two minutes of this one. Looking forward to seeing how you handle it. Remember…there’s the right way, the wrong way and the Shumway. Ha! I kill me.

  6. This Jake kid looks like a poor man’s Scott Baio. And I’m getting total deja vu as I write this… was there some other Chachiesque character mentioned in another ALF review?

  7. yeah, it never really occurred to me until rewatching these series as an adult that brian really does not do a hell of a lot in this show and there not much to him as a character. so yeah, I admit that jake as more character to him then brian does, even more ironically ALF builds a better relationship with jake then it does with brian in later episodes which is really a shame because for the simplest thing the show to could do to make decent episodes it fails to do so.

  8. fuck I hate jake, fucking wop head. eww. and he had to keep showing up in the third season so I had to stop watching it on dvd and watch something else. fucking wop, fuck off and go eat some fucking pasta you piece of shit! god thanks for ruining it you pasta eater! god go shove it up your ass or something, WOP!
    fuck you!

  9. Yep, you’re definitely sexually frustrated and seeing things that aren’t there, at all. Bless you. But you make excellent points about Brian and his lack of character / something to do. This episode is good and Jake does add something to the show going forward.

  10. I mean drivel. It wouldnt make sense why they dropped the character with the purpose he was supposedly written for. The boy and his alien trope where the boy isnt a flat character. It seems that he went on to do another show, but it didn’t last long. Maybe he decided not to return because he didnt like doing this show enough anyway.

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